Minimalism with Kids: Mission Impossible?

A few weeks ago, I stood in front of our crowded kitchen cabinet, feeling defeated. I gave a loud laugh at the absurdity of it all. There were close to twenty water bottles, each offering the ultimate hydration solution in various shapes and colors, staring back at me. They belonged to us, the parents, or our kids. Most belonged to our kids. We could give in so easily to their requests not long ago. Especially me, their mom.

How did we get here?

Pressed for time, I was searching for my daughter’s favorite unicorn water bottle before leaving for kindergarten. Suddenly, my middle son burst into the kitchen, again asking, yet again, for something in his sweet melting way.

”Mom! Can I get the new Minecraft Creeper plush? Everyone at school has one!”

Our eldest also joined in, half dressed for school, yet displaying his eagerness to not get left behind in this race for goodies.

I sighed, feeling yet again the familiar parental guilt mixed with frustration and impatience at all our kids’ requests. They just wouldn’t stop asking for stuff. I was so tired of it all.

I knew it was a phase; my therapist had mentioned it in one of our last sessions. It triggered me still because I felt envy at all my kids’ possessions and at the same time, it was me buying more things for them. I could feel inside me this fight between my inner child and my mother, who would have probably offered me more as a kid if she could. I was working on my reasoning and behavioral triggers.

“Honey, remember what we talked about? We don’t need to buy everything just because others have it.”

Their faces showed his disappointment, and I felt a pang in my heart.

Every single day I realize that it’s not easy being the parent who says no, especially when society seems to scream “buy, buy, buy” at every turn. We are in this constant quest for balance in our lives together, my husband and I. It’s both terrifying and subduing at the same time, learning to say no while also indulging every now and then.

Terrifying, because saying no can be scary. While I am still working on my self-esteem, I worry about disappointing our children. I don’t want them to feel left out among their peers because they lack certain things, as I did. I also don’t want to be seen as the “mean” parent, even though I know that kids need boundaries and they subconsciously appreciate everything I do and say, even the ‘No’s.

Subduing, because I yearn for that calming feeling when setting boundaries. I want our family to manage to take control of our consumption habits. I imagine it would be so good to feel control over this part of our lives, among all the chaos around us, life with three kids and constantly being bombarded by consumerism.

Too much clutter

Anyway, back to my story, I finally located the elusive unicorn bottle, it was hidden behind a stack of rarely-used travel mugs. Right there, I made the decision that it was time for a change.

Our house had become a repository. All those impulse purchases because they were “cute and useful”. Add to them the well-intentioned gifts.

There was irony in all this. We had so much stuff, yet we constantly felt like we needed more. At the same time, I wanted to be able to breathe, instead of constantly putting away things, or looking for missing items in the hidden cupboards.

Luckily, the coming weekend was free of activities, so we would have time. I announced to our family members that we needed a family decluttering session. The kids weren’t sure what that meant, but they didn’t dwell on it much. This was to be done collectively, as each member of our family had some decisions to make. Have you ever done something like this before?

The great purge

On Saturday morning, after our breakfast of waffles and coffee/ cocoa, before starting any other activity, I gathered everyone. My husband said it was to be a treasure hunt. The kids were initially reluctant and whinny, but soon became interested when I framed it as a challenge.

”Let’s see who can find the most things to donate or sell!” I knew they got competitive, though I was a bit worried about the results.

We sorted through toys and gadgets and talked about when and why we got certain items. We often laughed at some of our more strange purchases. They felt strange now, as we weren’t using them. “Remember when we thought we needed a pineapple slicer? We rarely eat pineapple in the first place, to justify this one,” my husband chuckled, holding up the ridiculous object.

Lessons in letting go

The process was messy and complex. I honestly thought we would never get through with the whole thing. My daughter clung to outgrown baby clothes and insisted on wearing them on the spot. As they were small, she insisted we keep them for their dolls. My son struggled to part with broken toys and at the same time he got interested in selling some of the ones in good shape that he had outgrown.

It was definitely a teachable moment. I tried to explain to our kids that other people who had less would make more use of the things we would give away. That we would finally feel more freedom if there was less clutter in our home. We discussed how much more valuable experiences were than possessions. Because our kids kept talking about our trips and visits to museums or adventure parks more often. Those memories made together were far more precious than objects we kept for various reasons.

Our excitement grew while we stacked the different piles into sacks or boxes. It was not a project for a weekend, that was for sure. We felt that our house was more breathable. We would continue this exercise once a month, and then once every couple of months.

(Finally) embracing minimalism

Our consumption has been changing gradually. We haven’t yet introduced the rule of “one in, one out," we plan to do that soon.

As autumn brings longer nights, we will also bring back to tradition our family game nights. With less impulse shopping, we would have time to work on our budget mindfully.

Last year we started weekend hikes with our kids. Sometimes my husband takes the boys on the famous Blue Trail in Hungary, collecting stamps and amazing experiences along the way. Other times we go all of us together on shorter hikes, suitable also for our three-year-old. Our souvenirs are the photos on our phones and the forest finds we study and collect for our kids’ treasure box: rocks, sticks, pine cones, tree bark, and bug carcasses (yikes, I know!).

The occasional presents

Of course, there are still times when we crave a treat or just feel like buying something special or trendy. Now, we shop more intentionally and we appreciate what we get and the process behind the decision.

When my boys had a performance on the stage for the New School Year, we surprised them with that Minecraft Creeper and Fox Plush they had wanted. They were super happy and their faces showed it all. It was their new favorite sleeping buddy.

Reaching balance slowly

Our kitchen cabinet is now more organized. There is now one single row of water bottles, and we use them all. Life with kids keeps being chaotic, and we love the challenges and constant re-evaluation of our needs versus wants. The wonderful thing is that we can adapt and reset our possessions, and habits and make better and wiser decisions. It’s a learning process.

The important thing is that we are actively choosing our path, instead of blindly following the consumer culture that surrounds us.

We’re teaching our children that happiness doesn’t come from owning the latest gadget or having the most stuff. It’s always the little moments that remain. We go for family picnics, we choose a cozy movie night, or we simply enjoy each other’s company inside or out in nature. Most of the time we take our favorite water bottles with us, and that’s fine too.

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***I originally published this article on Medium