Memories and Life

Bill walked into the bedroom of his small home, slowly making his way to the old dresser that was opposite the bed. A gray lacy cloth covered the top, pictures of he and his wife, children and grandchildren scattered among various keepsakes from a long and happy marriage.

Bill Johnston was a crusty old guy, every line on his face and gray hair on his head well earned. His hands were strong and calloused, showing a lifetime of hard work. He wasn't rich, but his family never wanted for anything.

It had been two months since he watched in numb silence as the woman who was his world was lowered into the ground. His one tragic hope had come true. Helen died before he did. Bill knew that her death would be devastating, but even more devastating was the thought of his wife having to navigate this last season of life alone.

Their wedding picture of forty years ago was at the center. Bill was a tall, strong young man with thick dark hair and the beard that most men in the north sported in the cold months. His black tuxedo was sharp, a gray vest and burgundy tie completing the outfit. Helen was stunning, long black hair flowing over a beautiful dress that was just revealing enough to cause waves of jealousy in the room.

Bill hadn’t been able to open his love’s closet or dresser since she passed. But it was time. Her clothes would go to local shelters to help those in need. Many of her keepsakes had already been asked for by their two daughters and son. Bill’s hands shook as he reached for the dresser, a large plastic bag on the floor at his feet.

Opening the first drawer, the smell of Helen’s perfume and lotions filled the room bringing a flood of memories that were both happy to remember, and painful to relive. He staggered backward, leaning on the bed with tears welling up in his tired brown eyes.

“God, I miss you.” He whispered under his breath. Reaching to the right, Bill’s hand rested on his wife’s Bible. The old Book sat in the same spot for as long as he could remember. It was well worn, nearly every page written on and underlined. Bill’s smallest comfort was the knowledge that they would again be together in the next world.

Taking a deep breath, Bill forced himself to stand and resume the painful task. He filled the plastic bags with clothing drawer by drawer. He would often stop, holding a blouse that would bring back memories of a gathering of family, a quiet dinner or grandchildren laughing as she chased them pretending that she couldn’t keep up. It was hard to smile and cry at the same time.

At the bottom of the last drawer, Bill found a black notebook that he’d never seen before. He rubbed the top of the leather-bound journal, a wave of trepidation filling his mind. They had no secrets from each other, so what was this?

He picked up the notebook slowly, reaching into his pocket for his reading glasses. Leafing through the pages, he found that nearly every one was filled with Helen’s thoughts, joys, worries and dreams. Some pictures, a letter that he had written and a rose petal were folded into the pages.

Jan 14th, 1997

Every day I thank God for the life that He’s given us. I pray for Bill’s health, and his peace of mind. He’s having a hard time figuring out where he’s supposed to be in life and fills that with a bottle. I worry about him every day. Kenny’s surgery went well, and the surgeon is sure that he was able to remove the tumor. He doesn’t think that the cancer spread.

This time a wave of shame filled Bill’s already empty heart. For years, he drank way too much. He didn’t go to bars, didn’t go out and party and was never once disloyal to his wife. But every evening he sat down to a bottle until one sentence that his wife uttered changed all that he did.

“I know that I’m going to outlive you.” Helen told him as they were talking about the future, her eyes looking out the window into the woods outside their home. He knew exactly what she meant, and a cold chill came over him. His then grown children knew that he drank too much, causing him to sit in silence at family gatherings. From that moment, his drinking became coffee, his evenings listening to music while he worked in his small wood shop. He wasn’t going to leave this wonderful lady to face life alone.

Aug 23, 2004

We’ve talked so much about going to Europe, and it was going to happen. But life does what life does. Bill got laid off, and our basement flooded. But I consider it a blessing that we had money saved to take care of things. God is in this.

Watching his job at the auto plant go to Mexico was rough. He’d put in a lot of years, and a lot of blood and sweat. So did everyone that he worked with. They tried to stay in the small Detroit suburb, but there was simply no good work. But Bill could weld a perfect seam with his eyes closed and make a rock into a working motor. They found a good life in a small Wisconsin town not far from their son.

Dec 26, 2016

What an incredible blessing!! Bill got me a biography of George Washington that was printed in 1813, and an old print of Abraham Lincoln from just before he died. The grandkids loved the toys, and especially the cakes and candy. Life is good!!

Helen had two passions in life. She loved books, and she loved their children and grandchildren. The living room was wall to wall bookshelves filled with an eclectic mix of history, fiction, classics and fluff. He hadn’t decided on what to do with the books and memories that filled the shelves.

Jun 16, 2018

We’re going to make it happen!! We’ve dreamed of traveling to Europe, and Bill’s going to be so happy. It took a long time, but I’ve finally saved enough for a month of touring the most beautiful cities. Castles, museums, concerts, food and maybe a little romance. I can’t wait to surprise him!!

That last entry was three days before a trucker who wasn’t paying attention to stop signs took her away. It was instant, taking even the possibility of saying goodbye away from him. He’d envisioned them growing older together, maybe even being there to see their great grandchildren. Gone because of one man’s sleepless night.

Bill looked down into the drawer where he’d removed the black notebook and noticed a small manilla envelope. The front was covered in numbers, counting as money was added. At the very bottom it read, “$20,000!!! We’re going to Europe!!”

Bill slid from the bed onto the floor, his face falling into his hands. He sobbed uncontrollably, visions of he and his wife hand in hand walking through the streets of Florence, Vienna and Paris, kissing next to a fountain in Rome. A dream, her dream, that had been taken from them.

It seemed an eternity that Bill sat there, all emotion finally drained until a cold numbness was all that remained. There was a sadness in what was in the envelope. He sat longer considering what to do with the money that his wife had spent so long saving up. He considered going to Europe, just to honor her last wish. But that would be empty. Every city, every meal and every musical note would only remind him that his best friend wasn’t there.

Bill got up, rubbed the tears from his face and picked up another plastic bag. It was time to begin work on her closet. Opening the doors, the smells brought back another wave of memories.

*****

Bill sat on the deck of the cabin, the warm sun on his face. A small table next to his rocking chair held a cup of coffee and some mint cookies. He gazed out at the distant wood line, taking in the moment. South Carolina was certainly better than Wisconsin in January.

“Chase us, Grandpa!! Chase us!!” Two of Bill’s granddaughters ran up to him, giggling the entire time.

“If I catch you, I’m gonna tickle you.” Bill said, slowly getting up and forming his hands into the shape of tickle claws.

“You can’t catch us!!” little Elly shrieked as the girls started running, laughing and screaming the whole time.

That evening, Bill’s three kids and eight grandkids were gathered in the great room of the cabin. The smells of roast turkey, steamed vegetables and garlic potatoes filled the air. Two boys giggled, staring at their iPad. Other kids were chasing each other, playing hide and go seek.

“Thanks for doing all of this, Dad. But this had to cost a fortune. Flying us all here, renting a cabin, the food…” Bill’s oldest daughter, Evelyn, plopped herself onto the couch next to him.

“It was from your mom.” Bill said softly. “This is a good time to talk.

“Okay, kids, gather round. We’re gonna have a little family time!!” Bill stood up, his booming voice filling the room. Everyone looked at him, not sure what they were supposed to do.

“Come on. Everyone. Grab your drinks and snacks and gather round.” Bill said a little quieter. “Yes, knuckleheads. You have to turn off your tablets and phones. You know that sometimes families actually talk, right?”

It took a few minutes, but everyone finally settled in. Some of the children poked each other and giggled, others sitting sullen when they’d been forced to turn off their iPads. Once everyone was seated, Bill started to speak. It was now a year since Helen left this world.

“Before your mom, your grandma passed, she saved some money to go on a nice vacation.” Bill started, his voice quiet. “Us getting together here is her last gift to us.”

Everyone stopped. They knew the incredible pain that their patriarch went through when Helen died, and even the children became quiet.

“Right now, she’s smiling seeing us all together. Helen has always been Mom, and Grandma to you kids. But there’s a lot that you don’t know about her. So, let me tell you about that amazing lady…”