Mediation with a Narcissist: What You Need to Know Before You Sit at the Table

Dealing with separation or family disputes is tough. But when you’re trying to resolve things through mediation with a narcissist, it can feel like an emotional minefield. Mediation is meant to be collaborative, but narcissists tend to turn everything into a battlefield. So, what do you do when you’re trying to find common ground with someone who’s more interested in control than compromise?

Let’s break it down together — no legalese, no fluff, just a real conversation about what you're up against and how you can take back control of the process.

What Makes Mediation with a Narcissist So Difficult?

A narcissist is not just someone who’s full of themselves or likes to talk about how great they are. We're talking about people who lack empathy, twist the truth, and manipulate situations to suit themselves. Now imagine trying to negotiate parenting arrangements or financial matters with someone like that.

In mediation, both parties are supposed to work together in good faith. But narcissists rarely do that. Instead, they might:

• Deny past agreements
• Interrupt or talk over you
• Shift blame constantly
• Use the process to emotionally wear you down
• Pretend to agree just to back out later

It’s exhausting. And if you’re not emotionally prepared, it’s easy to feel like you’re the one losing control.

Real-World Scenario: The Power Struggle

Let’s say one person wants to resolve custody arrangements fairly. They've done their research, come prepared, and want what’s best for the kids.

The other person? They show up late, deny ever agreeing to anything, and keep throwing around accusations. When things don’t go their way, they get angry or play the victim.

This dynamic isn’t rare — it’s unfortunately common when dealing with a narcissistic co-parent or ex-partner. Mediation, which should be a neutral space, can become a stage for manipulation.

Is Mediation Even Worth It?

You might be thinking, “Why bother?” That’s fair. But here’s the thing — family law mediation in Australia is often a required step before court, especially in parenting matters. And it does have benefits, even when one party is difficult.

Mediation gives you a chance to:

• Document efforts to resolve things reasonably
• Show the court that you’re cooperative and child-focused
• Get agreements in writing — which can later be formalised

Even if the narcissist is being difficult, just participating calmly and consistently can strengthen your case later on.

How to Prepare Emotionally and Legally

You can't control how the other person behaves, but you can control how you show up. Preparation is key — both emotionally and legally.

Here are some practical steps:

1. Know Your Triggers

If you’ve been in a relationship with a narcissist, you probably already know they’ll push your buttons. Write down the things they usually say or do to throw you off. Recognising the pattern helps you stay grounded when it happens.

2. Stick to the Facts

Narcissists love to bait you into emotional reactions. Don’t give them the satisfaction. Keep your statements short, factual, and calm. Bring notes if you need to. Focus on what’s best for the kids or what’s fair — not on proving them wrong.

3. Set Boundaries

You are allowed to request separate sessions (known as shuttle mediation) if being in the same room is too much. Many mediation services across Australia offer this option. Don’t be afraid to ask.

4. Get Legal Advice Beforehand

Speak with a family lawyer experienced in high-conflict personalities. They can help you understand your rights, identify red flags, and even guide how to frame your proposals.

Don’t Expect Closure — Expect Strategy

One of the biggest mistakes people make in mediation with a narcissist is expecting a moment of clarity — that the other person will finally “get it” and cooperate. That rarely happens.

Instead, treat mediation like a strategic step in a bigger legal process. It’s not about getting an apology — it’s about protecting your interests and, if children are involved, prioritising their wellbeing.

What If Mediation Fails?

It’s okay. Not every situation can be resolved in mediation, especially when one party is consistently dishonest or combative. If no agreement is reached, you’ll receive a Section 60I Certificate (in parenting matters), which allows you to proceed to court.

And here’s the important part — the court will take note of your efforts. Showing up and attempting resolution, even in the face of manipulation, counts in your favour.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone

If you're navigating mediation with someone who constantly twists the truth, gaslights you, or turns every conversation into a power play — please know that you're not overreacting. You’re not being too sensitive. You’re trying to deal with a difficult personality while protecting your future or your children's wellbeing.

And that takes strength.

So, if you’re feeling overwhelmed, reach out. Whether it’s a family mediation service, a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse, or a lawyer who gets what you're going through, support is out there. You don’t have to face it alone.