Me and this lockdown...

I'm annoying to myself on a good day. On a bad day, I'm downright unbearable. I've been having a lot of bad days as of late. I'm sure I'm not the only but, as you probably guessed by now, I like talking about myself a lot. I'd like to keep that in mind as I continue on telling you all the issues I have going on with me right now. Here we go...

I live in a 1,300 (roughly) square foot condo with four other people. Yes, they're family. Yes, one is my thirteen year old daughter. Yes, I'm feeling incredibly sorry for myself. I probably should've run away when I had the chance. Someone else's circus would've been calmer. But, alas, I did not do so and now the whole entire universe is basically on lock down and I can't wait until it's lifted and I can escape.

I love my family. I do, really, but with that being said, we've been together everyday for the last month and I really didn't plan on going more out of my mind than I had been already. I seriously didn't think it was possible! Who knew?! This level of insane cannot be made up - if it could be, it would've been done already. I'm not sure at this point if there's any coming back from this. I was doing so well, I got taken off my meds. Now, I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to be put back on. I'm not ashamed in admitting that but I'm also not very proud of myself. I was hoping I could do this...

It's hard for everyone, I get that. I cannot even begin to imagine what my daughter is going through in that gorgeous head of hers. She's a tough cookie; she's handling all of this better than I thought she would. She likes her schedule, her routine. School provides that in a way that only school can. The structure of how ever little detail is laid out is based upon her - what she learns best at what times, in the spaces she learns them best in and with whom. As a special needs child, the school system here where we live has totally gotten her down to a science. I am so grateful. I work for the BOE here and have since well before she was born so pretty much everyone knows her, or me, or the both of us. She's grown up with the teachers she works with, the paraeducators that work with her, they've all watched and are continuing to watch her grow and it's such an amazing thing but I digress. It's because of these incredible people that I, in her mind, and only her mom and where I do exactly the same thing as her helpers at school, I have no idea how to do it with her because, again, I'm just mom. Mom isn't cool or exciting or even the slightest bit interesting. I don't allow her to be silly or relaxed, everything has to be serious. Or at least that's what I've been told. I'm not cool. I don't what I'm doing. I don't know how to do this with her. I feel like I'm failing. I need life to get back to what is was where I could safely send her back to school so I can feel like I'm slacking and she's getting the proper education and striving and not getting upset with me because that's not how her teachers do it or that's not what her friend so and so said and 'Just hush now, mama! That's not right!'

So, anyway. I keep loosing track of what it is that I'm trying to pint out because the universe keeps throwing me off course and I can't seem to get my attention back on track (another thing I worked myself off of medications for that I feel like I need to get myself put back on, DAMN IT!). I suppose I should probably leave now before I start stopping making sense... If any of that last statement made any sense in itself!! HAHAHA!!! There you go. <3