Mastering One Social Expectation Doesn't Mean Your Autistic Loved One Will Suddenly Know Them All

There's a concerning misconception around how autistic people learn neurotypical social skills (and when I say 'neurotypical social skills', I mean just that, as they differ from natural autistic ways of socializing) that I want to address. Traits and behaviors that are considered 'the norm' (and that neurotypical people pick up on simply by being in their environment and around others of their neurotype) are not traits and behaviors that come naturally to autistic folks.

Also, just because your autistic loved one has learned a specific social skill taught through a neurotypical lens, it doesn't mean that all neurotypical social skills have also been picked up in tandem. Furthermore, just because an autistic person has been taught one neurotypical social skill and can successfully mimic said practice in one scenario doesn't mean they'll be able to duplicate it in another—and it's not about intelligence, it's about the fundamental differences between how the NT brain operates versus the autistic brain.

Again, neurotypical social skills are not our default 'language', so when we are taught them, especially if we are not given any background or explanation as to “why” we are expected to perform them, the skills won't transfer to another social situation, even if that social situation is similar to the previous one.

This is often mistaken as purposeful bad manners, skill regression, or, as I mentioned above, lack of intelligence, but none of these are usually the case. You see, without context, neurotypical social rules do not stick with the autistic brain because the autistic brain is highly logical and detail-oriented. Moreover, autistic people are bottom-up thinkers, which means our brains need as much detail as possible to form a complete picture of the information being conveyed to us.

Without that, we are just parroting neurotypical social conventions without actually understanding the purpose of them, which means we will always be inconsistent—because, again, neurotypical social behaviors are not inherent to our neurology.

Let me give you an example:

Johnny (14, autistic/ADHD) has learned that opening the door for Grandma is a sign of respect and helpfulness, so whenever Johnny and his grandmother walk to a door, he pulls it open for her and lets her walk ahead. His parents see this and think, “Oh, the concept of respect has clicked! He understands all of it now. That behavioral training really worked!”

Nope. Johnny's parents are going to be in for a figurative and literal rude awakening when, five minutes later, Grandma—who just had the restaurant door opened for her by Johnny—struggles to take a seat at the table, and their son is on his phone playing a game with absolutely no thought of pulling out a chair for her.

They're going to be even more annoyed when the waiter asks what Johnny would like to order, and he stops playing his game only at that moment to study the menu and decide what he wants when everyone else around him has already decided and ordered.

The entire family is going to be really flummoxed when Johnny's father nudges him in the ribs (enough to startle him but not hurt him) and looks at him with a scowl and says through gritted teeth, "You're being very rude right now, and I don't appreciate it", and Johnny, absolutely baffled and still glowing inwardly with pride about how he remembered to hold the door open for Grandma, is so taken aback by his father's sudden and unexpected response, he jumps up quickly and accidentally knocks into a waitress carrying a tray of drinks in his desperate attempt to escape the sudden and confusing angry energy he's feeling from his dad.

"What happened to Johnny?" They'll say. "We thought he understood neurotypical social skills now. After all, he opened the door for Grandma!"

Yeah, that's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

One social skill is one social skill. One social situation is one social situation.

Remember, we are literal, bottom-up thinkers. If you say, "Open the door for Grandma," we WON'T automatically translate that into, "Elders deserve courtesy and respect, and they may be a bit frail, so opening the door for them is both a way to show that courtesy and respect while also being practical. We should also pull out a chair for them, and, while we're at it, decide what we want to eat when everyone else does so we don't keep them waiting. Those things are considered respectful of other people and their time.”

No. Our brains translate that into, "Open the door for Grandma." That's it.

However, if you explain WHY we should open the door for elders or pay attention during food ordering at a restaurant, we will make the connections, remember the reasoning, and then be more likely to do those things unprompted in the future.

We take what is said to us at face value, and what I'm about to say next is why it is SO CRUCIAL to explain 'why' to an autistic person when teaching them a neurotypical social rule.

Let's say Aunt Bea comes along to the restaurant. Johnny opens the door for Grandma as instructed, but he lets the door slam right in Aunt Bea's shocked face.

Someone might say, "Well, he opened the door for Grandma, but he let the door close right in his aunt's face. What a jerk!"

No. He was so incredibly focused on holding the door for Grandma, that he likely didn't even SEE Aunt Bea coming in from behind.

All he can think is, "I need to get this right. I need to get this right." All other operations and considerations are gone. There is only this one thing, and that is especially true if the person is young, traumatized, and/or undiagnosed while also enduring behavioral training.

We want to get the thing right at all costs because we don't want to have our passionate interests kept from us as punishment if we get it wrong (which is a common tactic in behavioral training).

Also, when we do 'get it right', we're usually pretty happy and proud of ourselves, so being yelled at after that (because our defenses are down at that moment) makes it that much more emotionally triggering and likely to cause what neurotypical people would deem an overreaction.

The Takeaway

Behavioral training is dangerous and traumatizing, so I'd recommend avoiding that altogether. However, learning neurotypical social skills can be beneficial if you understand the way the autistic mind works and can help your loved one understand the 'why' behind those requested behaviors and actions. What comes automatically for you as a neurotypical person doesn't to the autistic person in your life just like the autistic way of communicating and socializing doesn't come naturally to you, either.

I'm not saying that all neurodivergent people are like Johnny here. What I am saying is, context is important, being aware of how literal and bottom-up thinking work is crucial, and doing away with the belief that your autistic loved one is manipulating you because they perform one neurotypical social behavior but don't perform similar social behaviors is paramount to having a healthier, happier, more balanced relationship with the autistic person in your life.

Stop accusing your autistic loved one of being purposefully obtuse or believing that they lack the intelligence necessary to engage in neurotypical social rituals, and start explaining everything from the bottom up with as much context as possible and as much repetition as necessary.

One more thing, don't make socializing as a neurotypical person the goal. That requires masking our natural autistic traits, and that's very harmful to our mental health.

Teaching is one thing, but trying to mold us to fit into something we are not causes lifelong trauma.

Do you need more help understanding how your autistic loved one thinks and experiences the world? I'd be happy to meet with you one-on-one and offer my personalized translation services. Click here to book your private consultation today!