Mary

When people hear my life story from Fostercare to adoption, stealing my identity a couple times, and all the other petty little things you did mom they wonder how I could forgive, love and miss you, yet still call you momat first I would have agreed. I use to get so angry and hurt when Mama Lu wouldsay that I was going to turn out just like you, Mama Mary. (I always had to live my life my way and we were learning together how to be a family. I'm positive I frustrated Susan no end, I frustrated myself too 😏

I use to feel so angry when my adopted mom, Susan would say that to me because I felt that she didn't believe in me and she was reaffirming how hopeless my life was,but she didn't know Mary; none of us truly did. All anyone in the foster homes or after the adoption ever really knew about my life or the people in it before them was what the social worker's sparse notes contained (and there were tons of social workers, a couple states, and lots of moves enabling most of those notes to just get lost along the way). When I was adopted I lost my identity, my family, and even my last name. I died that day in many ways other than just on paper. I started over as if I'd never had a past that July of 1989. It took me a long time to let go of the anger and hurt and to realize there was so much more to Mary. It took me way too long to look past all the emotional garbage and really understand. When I finally did, I finally got to actually know her, to see how absolutely beautiful and amazing a person she truly was in her imperfect way.

I sit here now and I think how absolutely terrified she must have been at 15 to have a baby. She was just a baby herself. It must have been daunting to be 20 and have 5 children. I can only imagine how much it hurt not knowing why her emotions were all over the place, why she couldn't fit in or was so misunderstood, why she couldn't meet everyone's expectations or her own, and how it felt to know that she was always letting people down (herself included), and never getting it right. I know she felt this way from our talks.

It must have been so scary and yet a relief as well to find out she had bipolar. How hard it must have been to accept and struggle with learning how to live with this in a world that doesn't comprehend mental illness and views those who suffer with it as broken, incomplete and taboo, especially over 40 years ago.

When people looked at Mary and her life, they saw the destructive path she'd left in her wake. We tend to focus on the negatives in life, but I want to share and focus on the positives and explain why I am like her and why I am totally ok with it.

Mary was an enigma, but she lived life to the fullest. She was one of those with a fire in her soul, a need to do and see it all. There was no good or bad, sad or happy, hard or easy part of life that she missed out on...every second was lived passionately and explored thoroughly with life experiences from drugs and jail, men and travels to church, family, and trying to reach her dreams. No matter how far she strayed she always found her way back. Mary never gave up on life or following wherever it led her. Norms didn't dictate or restrain her from following wherever her emotions and impulses led her. She had her own strength, her own sense of direction and map of her destination and none of us knew where those came from or where they would take her. We laugh today at some of those stories of her journey and they have become our best memories. We fondly share those moments of Mary insaneness over and over again, but in the midst of their creation it felt like the eye of a tornado, calm around you as the world fell apart while you watched. She loved with her whole being...completely and unconditionally, as thoroughly as a tsunami floods an island, an unwavering outpouring of love overwhelming in its intensity regardless of how detrimental it was to her or whether it was deserved. She never gave up on loving anyone no matter how passionately or often she would let them know she hated them and they would never have to see her again, but it wasn't in her nature to hate or to walk away. As angry and hurt, stubborn, and passionate as she was you could count on her to instantly want to fix it. Mary had no enemies or strangers, everyone loved her and everyone talked to her. We were drawn to her like bees to honey. If she only had a penny and you wanted or needed it you could guarantee she would give it to you. If a wrong number called it became an hour conversation and suddenly they were best friends. No matter how hard life was, how poor, or at rock bottom my mom was she never gave up or gave in...she would always find a way to over come or fight. I am so proud to acknowledge and say I got the best parts of her. I have her big, generous heart, her ability to love so fully, to forgive completely, inability to walk away, her utter loyalty and devotion to her loved ones, her fighting spirit, her resilience, and her determination to keep moving forward/ to keep reaching for the stars. Like her I have moments where I wonder when will I get it right; I feel alone and down, beaten by how absolutely hard the world can be; and like her I choose to focus on the fixing it and moving on, not wallowing in self pity over life's worst parts. When I think of my mom, I think of Amazing Grace and I am comforted with hope. I know I have not lived or loved perfectly and that my life has not exactly been pretty or easy. Mary made my life harder in many ways actually, but those early hardships taught me to survive and how to go on living and overcoming, they taught me resilience and coping, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, to always look forward, and more than anything they gave me the strength to remember to breath even when I wanted to die and my whole existence was crushing me. She gave me the resilience to sit there with my family at my baby girl's funeral when I was broken and lost. She gave me the ability to even when I was completely broken to reach out and hold onto my other kids, to not let go of life and to never let go of her or Meredith. She gave me the understanding that my kids were from birth and always will be my anchor and my lifeline. My family grounds me and are my number one most precious priority because I learned the hard way how lost you are without them.

Thank you mama for the blessing of knowing you, loving you, and the chance to travel some of your journey next to you. I love you and you were the very best at being a grandma and being you. Take care of my baby