Mama Hurt Jimmy

Mama Hurt Jimmy

She is wearing polka dot shoes. I look up to Mama and say, “Mama, I like her polka dot shoes.”

Mama says real hard, “Turn away Jimmy.”

“But Mama I like her shoes.”

Mama grabs my hand tightly and turns us away. She walks too fast for me. The sirens get louder. I can see the lights flashing in front of us and I want to see if it’s cops or firefighters. I turn around to look at the sirens, but Mama grabs my face hard and turns me forward. She hurts my cheeks. She never hurt me like this before. The crowd gets louder and a tear builds up in my eye. I don’t turn around to see why they scream. I can’t have Mama hurt me again. A tear rolls down my cheek but I can’t let Mama see me cry. Mama picks me up and keeps me facing forward. It was cops and firefighters; they both were there for the girl with the polka dot shoes.

Mama carries me all the way to the truck. I feel her hand’s shaking and when I say “Mama I can walk the rest of the way” she still doesn’t put me down. She lets me down at the end of the truck and I walk to the passenger door and jump in. She drives us home. Mama is quiet most of the ride.

We live far away from the rest of town. The buildings go away and everything turns into long, big, yellow grass. The mountains are far away, they’re dark blue little triangles against the grey sky. Then you go down the road with the blue mailbox. That’s our road. It’s a bouncy road and at the end of it you see our home. Well I guess it’s Grandma’s home, but Grandma died just after I was born and gave it to Mama. It’s a blue house, and the paint on it is like the paint on the truck. It’s just all tearing off. Mama parks in front of the house. I unbuckle myself and follow her in holding the book I got from the library.

I think our house is nice, but I don’t think Mama does. There’s a lot of pictures on the wall, but only one of them is of Mama and I. The rest are pictures of people I’ve never met before. Mama says they’re her aunts and uncles, and grandma’s aunts and uncles. I once asked her if I would ever get to meet them. She says no. That’s all she says. I don’t ask why because I know Mama don’t like me asking “Why?” so much.

I lay on the couch looking at the new books we picked up from the library. I take my shoes off and put them on the floor next to me. We wear shoes in our house or else the floor will give us splinters. I used to think that everyone had to wear shoes in their house until I went to Jimmy Q’s house. Jimmy Q is just about my best friend ever. When I went over to his house, his mama made me take off my shoes and I thought that was the craziest thing. Jimmy Q won’t be in my class this year since he moved to California.

Aunt Carol lives in California. She says it’s amazing there--that it’s always sunny and there’s all sorts of people. Aunt Carol came to visit this summer and let me tell you, she’s one of the nicest ladies I ever met. Aunt Carol doesn’t have any kids or any family, well except for us, so when she comes, she comes alone. I like Aunt Carol because she lets me ask all the “Why” and “What” questions I want and she gives me real good answers. Well, except for one question.

I asked Mama once before where my Dad was, and Mama told me he’s not here and don’t ask again. I thought that wasn’t a real good answer because I already knew he wasn’t here. When Aunt Carol visited, I figured since she let me ask all the questions I wanted, I should ask her. So I said, “Aunt Carol, where’s my dad at?” and Aunt Carol looked at me with her big ol’ brown eyes and said really snappy-like,“He went out for a pack of smokes and never came back.”

-

This summer I’ve done lots of reading. Probably the only time I didn’t have a book in my hands was when Aunt Carol was here. Mama works nights so during the day, while she’s asleep, it’s just me and the books. Once a week we go to the library and get more books. I’m reading the Chronicles of Narnia right now and let me tell you, this C.S. Lewis guy sure is good.

Last year Ms. Keller said I was reading at an advanced level. It’s too bad Ms. Keller won’t be my teacher anymore. My new teacher’s name is Mrs. Sherman. I hear she can be real tough but I’m not too worried. I’m just real upset Jimmy Q won’t be there anymore. Jimmy Q and I became best friends on the first day of Kindergarten when roll was taken and we both went by Jimmy. Our Kindergarten teacher asked if one of us would be willing to be called James or Jim and we both said no way. So he became Jimmy Q and I was Jimmy H. That’s how it all started.

-

Jimmy Q was sort of a trouble maker; he didn’t do good in school but he didn’t care to do good in school. Ms. Keller once told me Jimmy Q was a classic class clown. He’d put tacks on Ms. Keller’s desk and brought her apples with worms in them. Ms. Keller was mostly a good sport and would just make Jimmy sit outside of the classroom for an hour or two as punishment. Once Jimmy Q and I were throwing a pink eraser back and forth across the classroom. Well, I’m not a good thrower, and I got Ms. Keller right in the back of the head. Ms. Keller was angry all right. She yelled at me and told us to wait outside of the classroom. I sat in the hallway and Jimmy paced back and forth. I was scared. I couldn’t let Jimmy see, though, or he’d think I was a pansy or something. So I just sat there. Jimmy Q didn’t seem to worry at all. He acted like nothing even happened. Then he looked at me. He pushed his bright yellow hair out of his face and said, “What’s the matter with ya Jimmy?”

“Nothing,” I said.

“Looks like something’s wrong.”

“Nothing is.”

“Your mama gonna lick ya or somethin’ if she finds out?”

“I don’t know.”

But I didn’t just say, “I don’t know.” My voice did that thing voices do right before you’re about to cry--that cracky thing that you can’t help. Well that happened and Jimmy Q saw right away I was lying.

“It’ll be OK buddy” Jimmy Q said as he sat next to me.

“I’ve never been in trouble Jimmy. I’m scared. My mom’s gonna be so angry and Ms. Keller is gonna think I’m a bad kid”.

Jimmy was silent and I knew for a fact he must’ve thought that I was soft. I put my head in between my legs and just tried to take deep breaths. Deep breaths always have helped me. I could hear Jimmy stand up; he was still silent. Then I just heard footsteps rushing down the hallway. I looked up and Jimmy Q was running. He turned the corner and that was that. Probably two minutes later Ms. Keller came into the hallway.

“Where’s Jimmy Q?!” Ms Keller asked

I didn’t know how to answer so I just said,“Ms. Keller, Jimmy Q ran away.”

Ms. Keller got really, really upset then; she ran back into the classroom and called the front office. Principal Barber came in and he asked me if I knew where Jimmy had gone. They made an announcement over the intercom, asking Jimmy to come back to the classroom and there’d be no punishment if he did. Principal Barber got the janitor and the secretary to help look all over. After an hour, they called the police and the fire department. After two hours, Jimmy’s mom showed up. She had Jimmy’s baby sister just in a diaper and a t-shirt resting on her hip. After three hours, Jimmy’s dad showed up from work, wearing overalls and covered in black smudges. I realized that neither of them were really worried, they just were angry. After hour four, class got out.

Hour four is when Jimmy Q hollered at a firefighter wandering around on the blacktop. The firefighter was walking by one of the big elm trees near the playground. Jimmy yelled down to him, “Hey you looking for me or something?”

That was the end of the case of the missing Jimmy Q. The firefighters had to bring the fire truck on the black top and use a ladder to get him down. Jimmy got suspended for a week. He was told that if he ever acted up like that again he’d be expelled. The next week when Jimmy came back he was about the most popular kid in school. The older kids came up to him and told him he had some balls, the older girls came up to him and asked him how he got so high up that tree. Jimmy told them,

“I ran out here wondering where I should run next and old Elmy, that’s what she likes to be called (usually he’d tell the story next to the tree and pat the trunk) hollered over to me,

“Jimmy” she says, “you wanna come up here?”

and I says, “Well gosh I’d sure as hell like to, but I can’t reach your branches.”

She says, “Don’t worry sugar I’ll help you with that.”

and so Elmy reached down one of her biggest branches and picked me up straight off the ground. She just kept on lifting me, and lifting me, and then finally I had to tell her to stop.

She said, “Why you wanna stop Jimmy?”

And I said, and I’m being honest with y’all here, “I’m too scared to go any higher, I wanna come down someday.”

Elmy told me “Jimmy I could take you all the way up to the clouds and you could be higher than the birds if you wanted to.” I didn’t want to, so I told her to leave me in the tree and she did.”

Jimmy loved his tall tales and everyone loved Jimmy’s tall tales. The one about Elmy was his best yet. Jimmy swore over and over, it was true. I still don’t know if I believe it or not.

The first day Jimmy was back I asked him, “What kind of fun things did you do while you were gone?”

“I watched cartoons almost every morning.”

“Were your parents upset at all?”

“Yeah they were really angry.”

Then without even saying nothing, he pulled up the back of his shirt and along it were purple marks. He said his daddy whooped him good every night after work. If Jimmy started crying he’d get whooped even more, his mama couldn’t stop him, his sissy’s crying couldn’t stop him, and Jimmy couldn’t stop him, it was just Daddy and his belt and nothing would’ve or could’ve ever been stronger than Daddy and his belt. Jimmy Q never got in trouble again after The Case of the Missing Jimmy Q. He was pretty much a perfect student from then on.

-

“I'm getting ready for work now, if you need anything just holler, your noodles are in the pantry just microwave them when you get hungry.'' I finish up the chapter of my book as I hear Mama’s shower start up. I slide on my shoes, grab my noodles out of the pantry, and get cooking. I don’t put the powder in till after the noodles have been in the microwave. Jimmy Q always told me it’s best to put it in before, but I don’t think he knows what he’s talking about, it tastes much better after.

After I finish eating up my bowl of noodles Mama comes out. Mama always look real pretty before work. She does her hair real big and she wears lots of makeup. Tonight she even gots on glitter. Mama is already real pretty but when she goes to work her face looks skinnier and her big green eyes look bigger and greener. She always leaves the house wearing a big coat. “Don’t stay up too late reading, you needa get used to going to sleep early for school.”

I tell her yes and then she leaves.

I don’t like sleeping in my bed when Mama is away. I usually grab a blanket from my room and sleep on the couch. Tonight I feel like sleeping in Mama’s room. I push open her door and it makes the creak that wakes me up every morning. I grab the photo album Mama keeps locked in her nightstand. I wondered about the nightstand for as long as I could remember. Imagining all the things that she could have locked in there. It wasn’t until last school year when Jimmy Q told me to pick it that I decided to break inside. I’d check out a Locksmith book from the library, right in front of Mama and for some reason she didn’t mention anything about it (I found out it’s a Hamsen Lock 4320, an easy one to pick). Sometimes I think she knows we both look at the album.

In it are pictures of her from when she was a little kid. There’s some pictures from when she’s probably about my age standing outside the house, except the paint looks new, the grass is cut, and there’s people in the background. As the pictures go on into the future Mama gets older. She smiles less in the older pictures. There’s poems and stories written on napkins and scrap paper in the album next to photos of Mama with other teenagers. There’s less picture of Mama with Grandma towards the end of the album. It’s somewhere in high school that the pictures with Aunt Carol don’t come up as much too. Just people I’ve never met. I’ve looked through this album so many times I know what picture will come after each. It’s after the one with Mama and Aunt Carol sitting on a beach that I first appear in the album. It’s Mama’s Graduation Day. She's wearing the black night gown costume you wear and her belly is big because I’m inside of it. She has a couple pictures from that day. One with Aunt Carol, one with other girls, one with Grandma in a wheelchair, and one with a tall Black man. His smile is big like mine, his curls look like mine, his skin looks like mine, and his arm is rested over Mama’s shoulder. I don’t like looking at this picture too long. Then the hospital pictures start. Mama in the hospital smiling holding me as a baby, then Grandma in the hospital bed smiling with Mama and Aunt Carol hugging her on both sides, there’s one with a lady I’ve never seen before in the hospital smiling big while Mama holds her hand. This is usually the end of the album, just a bunch of empty pages ready to be filled with pictures. I flip over to the next one and I see it. A picture from this summer, it’s me and Aunt Carol at The Last Jedi. My arms are wrapped around her waist and she’s wearing her floral dress with sunglasses. It’s the first new picture in the album since I’ve looked at it. I close the album and relock the night stand. I lay in bed for a while, not able to fall asleep. The first day of school is in two days, I’m excited. I start planning out who could be my best friend this year and I think I finally decided who would be the perfect match, Lenny Beason.

-

The bus always took thirty minutes to pick us up after school. Some kids wanted to get home more than anything after school. I never minded the wait though. Jimmy Q lived right across the street from the school and I spent those extra thirty minutes playing with my bud. It was a real nice spring day and we were out running in the field, he was Darth Vader and I was Luke Skywalker. We each had our sticks, swinging them at each other, when Jimmy Q stopped. He said, “What’s Lenny Beason doing over there.” Lenny was sitting on the curb. He wasn’t a bus rider so it was strange that he wasn’t picked up yet. Before I knew it, Jimmy was running over to Lenny.

“Hey Lenny what you doing over here all by yourself?”

“Just waiting for my grandma to pick me up.” Lenny said

“You always wait this long for your grandma?”

“Sometimes, when she’s too busy.”

“How about instead of waiting here on the curb you come play with Jimmy H and me? ”

Lenny’s face stretched cheek from cheek when Jimmy Q asked him to come play. After that, anytime Lenny’s grandma forgot to pick him up, he’d be right there on the grass playing next to us. Lenny didn’t have a lot of friends. He had glasses that were too big for his freckled face and he was the biggest know-it-all ever. I think he was real grateful to be spending time with me and Jimmy.

There was just one time where Lenny Beason ever rubbed me the wrong way. It’s one of the first times Lenny was playing with us. He came up to me and said with his know-it-all voice, “My grandma said I shouldn’t be playing with you, because your Mama isn’t a good person.”

Right after he said that the bus pulled up and I had to leave and I spent that whole bus ride trying to figure out what he meant. My Mama always seemed to be a good person. All she ever did was work, read, and take care of me. I don’t see a lot of bad in any of those things. When the bus pulled up in front of our blue mailbox I ran down the road to ask Mama what Lenny meant. I flung open the screen door and rushed in to Mama sitting on the couch reading.

“Mama today I was playing with Lenny Beason and he told me that his Grandma doesn’t want him playing with me because she says that you’re a bad person.” Mama got up and walked back and forth and said some words that’d I get in trouble for saying and then she pulled me close.

“Look Jimmy, what we’re doing here is different. People are always going to be looking at us and saying that we’re wrong or bad, but there is no wrong or bad OK? There’s just getting by and that’s what we’re doing, we’re just getting by. Do you understand?”

I nodded my head yes, I knew we were different, we lived by ourselves far away, I didn’t have a daddy or a grandma or brothers or sisters, we didn’t have a TV, Mama was a lot younger than all the other kid’s moms, and I didn’t really look like Mama (while all the other kids looked sort of like their Mama’s). I always knew we were different. I just didn’t know other people thought we were wrong.

Mama hugged me. “You’re mine and I’m yours, everything else doesn’t matter as long as you know we got each other.”

“And Aunt Carol,” I’d say.

“Yes and your Aunt Carol.”

She kissed me on top of my head and let me go. Mama sat back on the couch and I headed to my room to start my homework. I was opening the door when Mama called out to me, “ Jimmy. If Lenny Beason ever says anything about me or you again you make sure to sock him right in his face.”

“Yes Mama.” I’d say and I closed the door.

The next day when Lenny came to play with me and Jimmy. I made sure to sock him right in his fat face, he didn’t say anything about Mama but I figured I had to make up for what he said the day before. He socked me back and then I socked him and soon we were both socking each other, while Jimmy Q was laughing hard as he could. Eventually my lip started bleeding and then Jimmy Q said, “All right that’s enough let’s go play something else.”

Lenny and I both said “OK.”

Then Jimmy Q said, “But first you two have to shake hands.”

“Why?” said Lenny.

“Cuz, that’s what you do after a fight.”

“What if I don’t wanna?” Lenny asked.

“Then you keep fightin’.”

My lip was already bleeding and I was afraid if I kept getting hit I’d start crying so I held out my hand to Lenny and Lenny shook it. Lenny and I have been nice to each other ever since. I reckon other than his grandma not liking my mama, Lenny and I could be real good friends.

-

I don’t know why Jimmy Q laughed so much when Lenny and I were punching each other. Jimmy sometimes laughed at simple things. He’d laugh at the squirrels sitting in the trees looking down at us while we played at recess. He never laughed when kids would make jokes in class or when people actually did something funny. I think back to all those little things he laughed at and I can’t figure out why, me and Lenny’s fight was just as funny to him as a squirrel sitting in a tree looking down at us. I could hear his laugh though, just echoing through, I fell asleep hearing his laugh.

-

I wake up to Mama shaking me, “Good morning Jimmy, I got some exciting news for you.” I sit up and rub the morning dust out my eyes.

“What is it Mama?”

“How’d you like to go buy some new clothes?”

“Really!”

“Yes sir, I figured you needed some new ones for the first day of school. Now go wash your face and get dressed and we’ll head on into town.”

On the drive in I notice the sun is especially high. I figure I slept in a lot longer than I thought, which means I stayed up a lot longer than I thought. There’s only one clothes store in town and that’s Susie’s. I’d been to Susie’s once before this past summer with Aunt Carol and Mama. Aunt Carol wanted to buy Mama some new clothes and I spent that whole day being pushed in the cart. Then we went to a diner across the street and I got a cheeseburger with fries and overall it was a pretty good day. I have a feeling today is going to be another good day.

We pull into the parking lot and we go into the store, straight to the kids section. We pick out some new shirts, a new pair of shoes, and I even get my own pair of sunglasses, yes sir the day is turning out pretty good. Mama wants to go to the woman's clothes to look for some new dresses and as we walk down the aisle, I see her.

She is standing at the checkout counter and I really can’t believe my eyes, it really is going to be a good day.

I holler from across the store “Mrs. Q!”

All the eyes in the store turn to me quickly but I don’t care because if Mrs. Q. is here that means Jimmy Q can’t be far away. I rush over to her.

“Mrs. Q. what’re you doing here? I thought y’all moved to California. Hey is Jimmy ‘round here too?” Mrs. Q. doesn’t respond; she looks at me like I’m a ghost.

“Mrs. Q?” She takes a step back. I can’t tell if she is angry at me for asking. Mrs. Q’s mouth begins to open up a little and her eyes become shiny.

“Mrs. Q. is Jimmy here?” She takes another step back and before I could even ask again Mama comes and swoops me up.

Mama looks to Mrs. Q “I’m so sorry Patricia.”

Mrs. Q walks out of the store. Mama takes me back to the cart, all the eyes in the store are still on us. “Mama what’s wrong with Mrs. Q?” Mama seems upset. I can’t tell if she is sad or angry. “Uh, not now Jimmy, I’ll tell you in the car.” Mama brings our cart to the cash register, she buys my stuff and we leave. Mama never bought a new dress.

I don’t ask Mama anymore questions on the car ride home. She is upset and I don’t know if I did something wrong. I don’t know why Mrs. Q is still here if she is supposed to be in California. I don’t know why Jimmy isn’t with her. I don’t know why everyone in the store was looking at us. Most importantly, I don’t know why Mama is so upset. I know she doesn’t like me asking too many “Why” questions so I stay quiet the whole ride home. I stay quiet when we got to the blue mailbox. I stay quiet when we pull in front of Grandma’s blue home with the tearing paint. Once we get home Mama doesn’t stay quiet, Mama starts crying. For the first time ever my Mama is crying.

I want to make it stop, “I’m sorry for what I did. I didn’t know me talking to Mrs. Q. was gonna make you so upset. I really am sorry. Please don’t cry.”

Mama unbuckles my seatbelt and pulls me over to her and just holds me. Her crying stops, she carries me inside and sits me on the couch. She puts her hands to her face and rubs them over her eyes. She takes a deep breath.

“Jimmy I.. Uh, Son, Jimmy Q isn’t it in California.”

“But you told me that’s where he moved.”

Mama sighs, “ I know, I know Son, I told you that because I didn’t know how to tell you the truth, It seemed unfair to... to tell you the truth.”

“What’s the truth Mama?”

“Son.”

For a second we both stop breathing.

‘Jimmy Q and his Daddy died in a car accident this summer.”

-

Mama keeps talking. She looks like she is trying to sit tall but everything about her gets smaller and smaller. She pulls me in and holds me close against her. I can tell she is asking me something. I just can’t understand what she is asking. We sit like this for a while. I’m not really sure how much time passes by. I don’t know how to feel. I don’t feel sad because I already thought Jimmy Q was gone. I didn’t lose Jimmy Q because he was already lost. He was already gone. I don’t know how to feel.

Mama pulls me back and I can hear her again.

“Are you ok Son?”

I nod my head yes.

“I’m going to take off work tonight ok. You know what I’ll take the next few days off and we can just be together.”

I nod my head yes.

“You can cry if you want to. It’s ok to cry now son.”

I nod my head yes.

“Jimmy, can you talk to me?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Tell me what you’re feeling.”

“I don’t know, I feel something but it’s not sad. I don’t know what it is? I don’t want to cry, I’m not angry, I just feel the same I guess.”

“Do you want me to stay home with you till school starts.”

“Yes please.”

I say yes to her staying home but only because I always want her to stay home. I like having my Mama around.

-

The bus will be here any minute. The rain is pattering outside. It rained a few times when Aunt Carol was here, she’d say, “Summer rains you can never predict them.” I tie my new shoes, double knot them so I don’t mess the laces up. They’re polka dot shoes. I walk out to the kitchen Mama is cooking eggs and bacon. She passes me a plate.

“Are you sure you want to go to school today?”

“Yeah why wouldn’t I want to go to school?”

“Just wanted to make sure.”

“I’ve taken tonight off so we’ll be together again.”

I finish eating and the bus pulls up. Mama kisses me on the cheek as I run out to catch it, the rain bounces off my jacket. I get to class and find my name tag on my desk. The day flies by and I think Mrs. Sherman seems like a pretty nice lady. I play with Lenny Beason at recess. I sit with Lenny and a new boy named Jack at lunch. Before I know it the day is over and I sit out front with the other bus riders waiting for the bus. We huddle under a tree trying to avoid the rain. I see Lenny’s grandma is running late so I ask him if he wants to go over to the field and play for a while. We only can play for a few minutes until his grandma is honking her horn and frowning at us. She probably still doesn’t like us playing together. I see Lenny get in the car and leave. I stay out in the field. The rain feels nice. I close my eyes and just listen to it, coming down, soaking my yellow jacket. I spin slowly in a circle letting the rain trickle off the edges of my fingers. I stop and open my eyes.

-

I see Jimmy Q’s house. I see Mrs. Q’s car pull up. She gets out of the car and goes to the other side, opens the door, and unbuckles a carseat. She picks up Jimmy’s sissy. She places her on the ground and Jimmy’s sissy waddles behind Mrs. Q as they walk into the house. She knows how to walk now.

I think the world broke then. I don’t remember how I fell on the ground, my face in the mud as the rain got heavier and heavier. My eyes got heavier and heavier. My chest got heavier and heavier. I couldn’t breathe. I cried and cried, I screamed and no one could hear me. My face drenched in mud and no one could see me. Jimmy Q was already gone but I guess I didn’t understand that he was gone forever. That now there was a world without a Jimmy Q. That there was a baby who would live forever without her brother. That there was a Mama without her Jimmy. No matter how much I wanted to see him, his sissy wanted to see him, his mama wanted to see him, there was no more Jimmy. If I saved up all my money flew to California, and me, and Mama, and Aunt Carol, knocked on every door, in every city, in all of California, Jimmy Q would never be there. Jimmy Q is gone.

I see Mama’s truck driving on the road. I see her running to me. She picks me up and holds me in the rain as I cry. “I got you,” she says. “And you got me.”