Mama Bear

Life Lessons. What is a good life lesson? I would propose that this is a concept that can only be grasped subjectively, although some may argue there are a few life lessons that are objectively good to have learned. Things like “Respect your elders,” or “Mind your manners” are things we generally expect parents to teach their children. These are what I might be tempted to refer to as Universal Life Lessons.

My mother taught me those, without a doubt. So did my father. In fact, I’d like to take a moment and say thank you to both of them for the way they raised me. I enjoyed the trappings of a fine lifestyle, my mother was a homebody and my dad made enough money for us to live comfortably. Despite that, we were thankful for what we had as kids. I’d like to think we weren’t self-centric, (as far as children go after all narcissism is a huge part of early childhood) and we certainly did everything we could to share our fortune with others. My friends and family to this day don’t believe I’ll ever be able to save money because I was always spending it on other people or giving it to people I thought needed it more than I did.

There’s one thing I know for certain though; I wouldn’t be half the man I am today if it weren’t for my mother. She wasn’t perfect, and she never pretended to be. She has been in therapy for a large portion of my life, and while it was never made to be a big deal, she also never hid the fact from us. She was strong willed, with a quiet temperament. She was never afraid to jump to our defense, and would always apologize when she made mistakes. She was happy to just be at home with her children, baking goodies all the time and making sure we were happy and healthy. Nothing was too good for her little ones. As we got older, she began to worry about us leaving the nest. She became very overprotective during some periods of my life, and we came to a head more than once during my rebellious teenage years. There are very good reasons why her name in my contacts list is “Mama Bear.” I consider myself a lucky man and hope beyond hope that I can continue to make her proud.

However, there were a few life lessons that really stuck with me while I was growing up. It’s difficult to sum these up into one or two sentences because they became so much more than just one memory. These life lessons became substantial parts of my being, and quickly began to tie into new situations and memories. The first memory that sticks out to me however, was very early in my childhood. I had grabbed a candy or chocolate from the shelf in a convenience store, had not told my mother, and we proceeded to leave without paying for it. When my mother discovered the illicit confectionery treat, she immediately marched me back to the store, and ordered me to apologize and return the half-eaten treat.

I remember feeling embarrassed. The blood was pumping to my face, and my shoulders were slumped in defeat. I apologized, and the man at the counter told me not to worry about it and gave me a curt smile. Quickly, I looked to my mother whose stern face very quickly stamped out my hope of this being over with the clerk’s nonchalance. I would have to live down the embarrassment of this moment. Some years later, I remember being in high school, I had walked to Safeway for lunch and was purchasing a sandwich at the deli. The employee there slapped a sticker on it for the price, and told me I could pay for it at the front till. She was busy, and I had a good number of items. Off I went to the tills. A few moments later, in the front parking lot, I realized they hadn’t added my sandwich to the bill. I immediately marched back inside, showed the deli worker my receipt without the sandwich and asked her to ring me up for just that item at the deli counter. She laughed it off, trying to tell me it was fine. I insisted and she eventually humored me. I remember that moment clearly, the awful pit in my stomach upon realizing I hadn’t paid for my sandwich. Honesty and integrity are important cornerstones in my personality today, and while I can’t say for certain that this memory is responsible for that, it is what comes to mind when I think about it. I still feel the tinge of embarrassment when I recall the walk of shame I was forced to make as a child, but I feel all the better for it knowing who I am today.

Thank you for being stern with me, mother. Thank you for expecting more from me than common shoplifting. Thank you for embarrassing me and showing me that it’s okay to be accept your mistakes.

Next memory in line! It was late in my tenth grade year, I was 15 or 16 years old, I can’t rightly remember. On Valentine’s Day, my mother made it a big deal to present to me a VERY LARGE BAG of condoms. She had me trapped in the SUV on the way home, dropped it on my lap and we proceeded to have a long, awkward talk about safe sex and talking openly. At the time, she seemed very calm and put together. It wasn’t until years later that I properly understood how awkward it was for her at the time too. And believe me, it was awkward! Little did she know at the time, I had lost my virginity the year prior and was already practicing safe sex. (I guess she would have at least taken solace in the fact that I wasn’t a stupid kid having unprotected sex. Parenting win, right?)

However, the talk itself is what stuck with me. Her insistence on an “open and honest” conversation, and how much effort she put into making sure I knew she was a safe person to speak to without fear of retribution or embarrassment. She knew exactly what kids got up to in their exploratory years, and she didn’t want me to feel alone drifting through that sea of uncertainty. I’ll be honest, I didn’t speak to her much about it anyway. I did a few times, and of those times I did, I do feel the situation they pertained to could have turned out much worse if I hadn’t. Outside of sexual topics, I now feel like I can speak to my mother about absolutely anything without fear of any reprisal. I also tend to be that person for the people I care about in my life. I would like to believe that my friends know and understand that I’m here for them in any capacity they need, and I do not judge. Open, honest communication is an important piece of any relationship in my life and I don’t intend to change that no matter how many awkward conversations it brings me to. In my experience, awkward conversations aren’t negative, (or at least, they don’t have to be) they are expanding boundaries and lessening the distance between people.

Thank you for being open and honest with me, mother. Thank you for instilling in me the importance of communication without bounds. Thank you for being a safe space for me, and for allowing me to grow in my own way without attempting to ‘form’ me into something I wasn’t.

Last but not least, this is a very recent life lesson I’ve learned from my mother. After all, life lessons don’t miraculously stop at adulthood. The lifelong student doesn’t necessarily need to be enrolled in any school program or formal education. They simply need to be open to learning. I recently experienced a very large number of life-altering situations in a short period of time. I had failed out of school, ended a long-term relationship of 4 years, had moved 4 times in a span of just over 1 year, and found myself in a job that wasn’t conducive to a fragmented life. I had a breakdown and found myself in dire straits emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. I cut back on everything, stripped my life to its bare bones and moved home to reassess myself.

Not once through it all did I question if my parents would be there to support me. I knew they would be. Throughout the last few years of my life, I was adamant on doing everything myself. I wanted to be the guy that pulled himself up by his own bootstraps, I wanted to achieve wondrous accomplishments. I wanted the world in my palm, and wasn’t able to pick myself up when it instead came crumbling down around me. My mother was there immediately to pick me back up, dust my knees off and push me forward again. I didn’t have to ask, but I did. Suddenly, I realized that asking for and accepting help from those around you isn’t a weakness but a strength.

If you have lived your life in such a way that you have good friends surrounding you, good role models to look up to, and life goals to guide you, then you don’t have to be afraid of a little help. The people around me are in my life because they see value in me, and I see value in them. They’re people with good moral compasses, strong ambitions and their own life lessons to impart with others. That’s the importance of community. My life lessons are great. They make me who I am. They’re a piece of me. That doesn’t mean I can stop growing. Life lessons won’t always come from my parents anymore. All the help I give others means nothing if I’m incapable of listening to their wisdom as well.

Thank you for showing me how to accept help, mother. Thank you for being imperfect and showing me how others have helped you. Thank you for allowing me to fall down without judgment and picking me back up without questioning.

Thank you for being my mum. I love you.