Lucky

Lucky. I've heard people say this word without the abilities to hide their jealousy. It's ok though. We've all done it. But lucky isn't a word many would use to describe my childhood.

Dark...sad...painful...criminal...abusive. The list goes on and on, but never lucky. But, I am lucky.

Born to a drug addict and part time to full time prostitute, I'd say my childhood memories are...horrific. Especially in todays world. The things my mother did to my brother, sister and I would have had her splashed all over todays screens like the newest Kardashian headline! She would have been trending!

Kim wears shoes. Kloe doesn't wear shoes. Bruce Jenner has a confession. Abusive mom: Not back then. These days we read or hear about a child being abused or worse and we collectively shake our heads, be sad for the child for a second, then turn the page to another headline. Some resonate longer...but not many. Who needs anything more to be upset about?

Here's a headline: mom gives away her daughter. Keeps, but beats her sons daily, all the while she is an impressively alive drug addict, child abuser and sells herself to men, Not always for money, but mainly to gain their trust and steal whatever she can from them. Money, clothes, guns, jewelry...its truly an artform. She was an artist.

Here is a glimpse. Dear mom drops my brother and I off after school at our apartment. She is going to be out for awhile. She throws me a key and drives off. This happened frequently. Did I mention its pouring rain? We run up the stairs to the dry, now safe but barely furnished apartment. Little break from the heart pounding fear whenever she is around is always welcomed. But, as luck would have it, it's the wrong key. We knock on the adjacent apartment's door. No answer. Too bad. She's a nice older lady who we frequently see around the complex. She looks at us adoringly, but with a familiar hint of sadness in her eyes. Never says a single word to us, but she knows. I know she knows.

We run to the landlords apartment. No answer. But then again, they are friends of hers so maybe not the worst of luck. They like to party too. So they are the last hopes of getting inside while the rain pours down and turns day into night.

So back to the apartment. Try the key again. You're not that smart, so maybe you did the key wrong. Still doesn't open the impenetrable door lock. Your little brother is now soaked and cold. You are too, but you remembered your jacket from school. She's warned him. Money doesn't grow on trees. Take care of your clothes. He will get an ear full when she gets home.

There's an old couch sitting outside of your door, where you and your brother would play for hours when she had a new uncle over. If you put your brother under one of the cushions, you could lay on top of it and he would get warm. This works! She is going to praise you for sure with your quick thinking. Your brother says he is lucky your aren't that big or you would squish him. You both talk for awhile about future dreams. You laugh and imagine when you are both bigger. When you get to make decisions. When she is no longer there. Then you both nod off. Safe again.

Screaming! You wake up because you hear HIS screaming. She's home. She's pissed. Why aren't you two inside and out of sight? You try and explain its the wrong key. This is met by her fist which launches you into the still locked door and you curl into the smallest ball you can. She pulls her keys out and opens the door. You both run to your room as fast as your legs can take you. You just about make it, when you feel her foot connect to your ass and this launches you just a little bit farther than you would have made it running. But the door slams shut and you're safe again. You both dry your eyes and begin to search for your toys. Just sit and be quiet. It will be time to cook dinner soon. It didn't hurt that bad anyways.

Oh. Did I mention I am 9 years old? My brother is 7. We don't look alike. different dads. But he's my little brother. We are in this together. A few years pass and we are now in Arizona. She has family there. We have never met them, but they seem nice. My little brother is going to visit some friends for the weekend. I'm jealous. He gets away for a little while. Good for him. She's gone a lot, so this gives me time to get to know this new family. The mom looks like my mom. I see her with her kids and it becomes clear, she is definitely my moms sister. A week goes by, where's my brother? I'm told he is having such a great time, he's staying a bit longer. Thats cool because the Dad here is super nice and takes me for walks and over to the school to play basketball and stuff. He's a good guy and a REAL Uncle! My aunt is so lucky to have married my Uncle, I wonder if she knows? My mom has the worst taste for men. Why couldn't she have married him? You have to treat Uncles right or they leave and next thing you know, there's a new one. Possibly a worse one. One that hits or yells. She probably knows this already. Probably why he hasn't left...yet.

A month has passed. I'm starting to worry. Did she kill him? Where is he? Who lets a kid just stay at their house this long? I lay awake at night in the bed we shared. I hope he's ok. I wonder who these friends are? No one else seems worried or even mentions his name, so he must be ok. I ask to go visit and just see who these awesome friends are and why I havent came over to play yet. I never meet them. Mom has been gone for awhile too, but she came back tonight. She seems happy. Drunk, but happier than I have seen her. They laugh and play records all night long.

All night long drinking and laughing. Its weird to hear her laugh. They laugh the same. I lay there thinking about Star Wars. She usually has some gum in her purse. Not the sweet stuff you can blow wicked huge bubbles with, but the spicy kind. Years later I realize this gum covered up any smells from your mouth like nothing else!

I find a little black book in her purse while rummaging. I have never seen this book. It's new and hard to open. A little twine holds it closed. There aren't any words in the book, no writing except a date with a number next to it and a huge stack of green $100 dollar bills!

6/12/81 $10,000.00. What does this mean?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN THIS MUCH MONEY! We are rich! Thats where she's been! Working. Things are changing. I can feel it. We are in a house surrounded by family and we have money now. More money than we could ever spend. I cant wait to tell him. He is gonna go crazy! Freaking crazy!

I wake up the very next morning and shuffle to the kitchen. Fruit Loops? We never get Fruit Loops. Real honest to God Fruit Loops. In a box. Not a bag. She looks at me with a smile and eyes the box of love, then glances back to me...this is mine. Go ahead. Get some. The crunchy goodness scrapes the top of my mouth, but I don't care. Its delicious. Mom and her sister are talking. Don't interrupt. Man is he missing out. Wait until I tell him about this!

My mom says she has to leave for awhile, but asks me if its ok that I am going to stay with them while she is gone. Are you kidding me? Of course. Settle down. Try and hide your excitement a little better. Wait. Is he going with you? Are you picking him up on your way. If he's going with you, why cant I? I cannot imagine him being alone with her. I am afraid.

My aunt gets up quietly and leaves us alone at the table, while my mom lights a cigarette, takes a long puff and exhales slowly. See there are things I just don't understand. My little brother is living with a new family now. A better family. She just had to give him to this really nice family were he is gonna be a cowboy. Its better for him and I will understand when I am older. She can't take care of all of us and I know that she loves me the most, because what does she always tell me? She loves me the most. So she had to make a decision.

She packs her bag, gives me a hug and off she goes. She drives off in the old beat up cougar she got from that uncle in California. I sigh as relief floods into my mind and realize that all of this is definitely going to be better. All the years of hurt and hunger have lead me here. My life is going to be better. I mean, how could it be worse?

I see her only one more time when I am 16 years old. It didn't go as I imagine she had planned. See, I am not 9 any more. I wrestle. I lift weights. I've been in more than a few fights. I am angry.

Later in life, I am told what happened to my brother. Amazingly, he lived a few miles away in a small town with his new family. Pre-internet it was a bit harder to search for anything. Let alone a little brother. Things didn't get better for him. The blood that ran through her veins ran through ours too. He didn't get far enough away. He had problems with drugs, anger and other stuff. It sounded like he really had every opportunity to do great things, but just couldn't let go of the past.

Looking back I just have to think how much luck played into all of this. What if she loved him more? I could have been a cowboy.