Lost but Found

A child is supposed to be loved. I also wondered why I wasn’t love by mother. She took care of me, but she didn’t love me.

I wanted to be loved like my siblings. I can see the connection with my siblings verses me. I got old enough to see what was going on. Everytime I got in trouble some way some how I was compared to my father. Was I not loved because I reminded her of my father so much. I soon became angry.

I started hating her more and more. I knew it was wrong to have so much hatred, but I did. Why do I get treated like this. I wanted to leave that house so bad. I always told myself once I leave I’ll never come back. Even tho my mom treated me different from my two siblings they always tryed to stick up for me. They loved me and they knew our mother was wrong.

When I turned 15 I was removed and placed into a foster care. My mother told authorities that I was disrespectful and she didn’t want me living in her home no more. My father didn’t know until the caseworker contacted him. He was furious with my mom. He tryed to get custody of me,but due to his background I was screwed.

Nine months went pass and not one single visitation from my mom. I at least wanted to see my siblings . I was angry that I was stuck in this place until court. I made the best of it.I was also happy because I can notice I was doing better in school;also my teachers noticed it too.

My caseworker came to do her monthly check on me and ask me how was I. I told her I’m fine and handed her my report card. I made honor roll and they are having a ceremony at school. She smiled and said “I’m proud of you”. Than she said “ you know court is coming up and do you think going back home will be a good option.” I stood quiet. Then asked what will happen if I stay? She answered we can put you in the independent living program, meaning you will stay in foster until you are 18.The only one requirement for the program is graduation from high school, and you will receive the benefits they give you. She began to tell me everything. I knew if I went home it was going to be the same thing.

I was also in therapy because I felt abandoned by my mother. It helped a lot. I wanted to feel love from her, the therapist also tried having her to come to a few sessions ,but she said she did need therapy; and that I’m the state’s responsibility.

After two years of being in foster care I was doing so much better. I still struggled letting people in just because I didn’t want to feel disappointment. At least I had something to look forward too. I had just got hired at Indiana Beach for the summer. It showed my caseworker I can save money,and be ready to be on my own next year after I graduated. When summer was over I saved up fifteen hundred dollars. She was so impressed when she came to check on me. She told me that next year once I graduated I was free, and that I can leave. I was happy,but also sad. I made friends and people cared about me. My caseworker watched me grow up. She said “Im proud of you.” I smiled and I said “I wish my mom can be too”.

Finally, the day came I was graduating. I woke up showered and started preparing for the big day. My therapist called the unit and called me down to her office. I lived in a facility it was nice the;the staff was nice. It was a special day and I wanted to enjoy it. I went down to her office and she told me my mother called I told her I didn’t want to speak to her. She said “ok but one day you will have to forgive her”. I told her I will call her after my ceremony. I went back up to my room to get dressed. I decided to wear a white sun dress. I was so in shocked I was about walk across this stage.

I wasn’t going to have any family at my ceremony. I’m pretty sure she told them not to come. She sure knew how to get under my skin. I didn’t want her there any way.The only person I saw was my brother, but he was in the 11th grade. He told me that he wanted to come and he will try. He knows how our mother is. He always will ask how is it be locked inside of a place. I told him at it was ok. My brother told me how everything happened. I needed it for closure so I can move on.

I got to the school and met up with my best friend. She was my family. Since I didn’t go home on passes with my family my caseworker let me get passes to go out as long as her mother was ok with it. So on holidays I spent time with her family. Jackie was pregnant and giving birth next month, so after our ceremony we were going out to eat. We lined up and made our way to the auditorium. I heard someone call my name. I looked around it was my brother. He hugged me and said I got you some flowers. They were yellow roses. I told him to hold them for me. I gave him a hug and went back in line.I was so happy he was there. It like someone finally cared about me.

We got to the auditorium and it was so many people flashing pictures everywhere. I started feeling emotional. I never thought I was going graduate. I was missing so much school I had to go to night school for the classes I didn’t pass. That was the moment I wished my mom was here. Tears started flowing down my face as we were walking to our seats.I started thinking I should have called her. I was also just angry and asking my self why I so care so much. I just wanted her to love me so badly. Why couldn’t she love me? I wasn’t my father. I wiped my eyes and pulled my self together. They started calling names. In my head I was like this is I’m a free woman. Soon they called me. My brother stood and clapped as loud as he could. I felt so relief and excited to be on my own. Getting my diploma was my ticket to leave.

After the ceromony my brother met us in the parking lot and he gave me a card and the flower. I opened the card it said I love you sis ;I hugged him and said our goodbyes. My best friend and I went to Red Lobster. After, we got done eating I called my caseworker to see if it was ok to over her house since her and her mother had background checks on file. She said “yes and that tomorrow she was coming to take me to look at a house”. I was excited. Since Jackie was pregnant she decided to move out with her boyfriend. I was happy her for too, but I knew things were going to start changing fast. I told her let’s just enjoy our last night of being free. We went to the movies that night and decided to go get our nails and feet done when I got back from seeing the house.

The next day I got up got dressed and waited for my caseworker to come pick me up. I told Mrs. Bay, Jackie’s mom that I was going to see a house. She was so happy for me and told me she would buy me what ever I needed to start me off . She said “ I’m proud of you”. I told her I appreciated her for everything she has done for me. Soon after my caseworker was outside. I got in the car and she handed me a card with 50 bucks in it . I told her thank you. We soon arrived at the destination. We walked through a gate and soon we reached a nice little White House with a patio. It was nice. A guy stepped on a porch and he greeted us. He gave us a tour inside. We all came back outside and my caseworker asked , do I like it? I told her yes. The landlord said the rent was 525 month and 200 hundred dollar deposit. I was in shocked I thought it was going be so much more. My caseworker said “it was a good deal”.So she asked the landlord can he give us a week ,and told him my situation.He agreed. She told him the situation and told him the state funding will pay my rent for a whole year and that he needed to sign paper work to get the funds. She went to the car and got the paperwork. I told him that the house was beautiful and he smile. He signed the paper work and we left. I was excited ,my own place; I couldn’t believe it.

I returned to Jackie’s house,but my case worker said “I had to return to the facility by 9 today”. I told her okay and gave her a hug. We went to go get our nails and feet done. We went back to her for the rest of the time. I told her mom about the house and the process. They were excited. Jackie was moving into her boyfriend’s house after she has the baby. He was little older than us. Her mom said “I guess I gotta you girls some new things.” Soon it was time for me to get back. Mrs.Bay dropped me off. I checked in and went to my unit. All the other ladies were excited to see me. I greeted them and went to my room. I had some flowers from Mrs Smith. She was the morning staff. They were daisies.

A few days went pass and I was waiting on my therapist to see me. Her name was Mrs. Shirley. She finally called me down. I came in and we greeted each other. She said she just received my papers from the court. It was my wardship papers. The courts were dismissing their custody of me. I started to cry. I was happy, but sad. Mrs Shirley told me that she believed I will do good on my own. I told her about when I went to go see the house. She said “yes your caseworker is waiting on them to get back to her”. She said “ the longest it will be up til a month of wait but it can be sooner.”

I asked her can I call my mom. She said “you sure”. I said “yes”. She dialed the number and handed the phone to me. I haven’t spoke to my mom at since I been here. After the third ring someone picked up. She said “hello”. I said “ mom it’s me”. She said “hi honey”. I was quiet for minute, she never called me honey. Than she said “ I wanted to see you graduate”. I told her it was no big deal. I wanted to the hang up the phone because she acting like nothing is wrong. I just told her that I finally called just to say that I wanted forgive he for everything. I told her about the house and everything. She was quiet. I told her you never apologize for nothing. I had to go through so much therapy so I can recover from the hurt she caused me. I told her all I ever wanted was your love and ;how can you compare me to my father?I told her you have no idea how you made me feel. After that I just told her I had to go and that I forgave her. I hung up. I got emotional. Mrs Shirley said “ that was the first step of letting go. I signed a paper and headed back to my unit.

Finally, After two weeks of waiting the landlord received his money for the rent, and that I can come get the keys. I was excited. My caseworker told me she will be here Friday to help move my things. I called Jackie and told her. We made plans already for her to stay over. She said my mom is taking us shopping Saturday. She was getting baby things. She was having a girl and was naming her Skylar. I told that was a beautiful name and than I told her I had to go. Friday came I got up super early to get all my things downstairs. This was the last time I was gonna see this place. The ladies hugged me good bye and soon my caseworker was downstairs waiting. I hugged the staff members and they wished me luck. I got downstairs ; I had a lot of clothes. We got everything into her truck. When I got into the truck she handed me an envelope it was a check for 1,000 dollars check from the facility. When I was there they gave us an allowance and whatever you don’t spend they put into a savings account for you ;you get it when you leave. I also had money I saved from working. I had it on a debit card they give you when you receive your pay check. I was responsible for my nipsco bill. I told my caseworker I would look for work next week because I had to find something closer since I would not have transportation no more. She smiled and said “enjoy summer for a bit”. I had enough money to hold me over for a bit. We arrived at house. We got out and walked up the little path where the house was. The landlord was waiting. He and the lease and keys . I sgined it and he gave me the keys and he left. My caseworker told me she will still be doing monthly visits until the state’s was done paying my rent. I told her ok and we walked to get my things; she helped me take everything in. She hugged me and said “ see you next month”. Finally, I didn’t have to ask for permission. I secretly bought a phone so I can still be connected to the “out side world”. I couldn’t have a cell phone I’m the facility, so I hide the phone under my mattress or kept it in my bra. I called Jackie and told her I was in the house. She said “she will be right over”.

Part 2 coming soon!