LOSS TRANSLATED

December 26th, 1996

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe Christmas was the last time I’ll ever see my Bella Baba. She was such a strong woman. She brought our family to this country and I will always have the most wonderful memories from playing at her house. My cousins and I always had the best time. Picnics in the yard. Grapes on the vine. Berries from the garden. Jumping the creek. Running through the corn and swinging from the willow tree. I’m sure they will sell it as soon as we empty it out. How quickly life just stops. I think I will weep in my pillow a little before bed.

December 30th, 1996

Dear Diary,

We should be ready to celebrate the coming of the new year. Instead we just said our final goodbyes. Deda Rodi passed a long time ago. At least now she will get to be with him again. I wish I could hear more of their stories. The story about them finding a hand in a jar still creeps me out. And the story she told about gypsys robbing her always made me laugh, because dad says he thinks she might be telling some tall tales. In a few days we will be going to the house to start going through some things. Dad says I don’t have to go, but I am mature. I can handle this. I’m 14, not a little kid.

January 4th, 1997

Dear Diary,

I tried to help dad today. It was harder than I thought it would be. I held in my tears, but I wasn’t much help. I could tell he understood. He gave me a big empty box and told me to fill it with anything I found interesting. It all seemed interesting today. I think he was just trying to keep me busy. I put some weird stuff in the box. They collected enamel pins and hung them in the room with the freezers. I always thought that was a weird room and it always smells like peppers and freezer burn. I also grabbed a little twig broom from the garage. It’s the one that Sara and Mike and I use to play house with, in the attached room when we were little. A little box with a bird that picks up cigarettes with its beak. Folders of papers. A tea cup. She used to read the leaves when she drank Serbian coffee. It’s gross. So bitter. Seashells from the wall outside. She would get so mad at us when we would pick at them. I wanted to grab this really cool lamp she had. The colors looked like oil puddles. It was too big for the box. I don’t know where I would put it anyway. Mom picked me up, so the box is still in dad’s car. Tomorrow I will get it out and pick through it.

January 5th, 1997

Dear Diary,

I put some of Bella Baba’s treasures on my dresser. The rest I kept in the box and put it in my closet. The papers in the box were boring bills and documents that I had no interest in. I did find a notebook in there, though. Its small and black and the cover is soft and with almost a warmth to it. I don’t know what's in it though. Everything is in Serbian. Mom said we can show it to Dad during the week and he can translate. He’s been busy at the house with Cica this weekend. Even if it’s more boring stuff I think I will keep the notebook. I like the way it feels in my hands.

January 8th, 1997

Dear Diary,

Dad finally had time to look at the notebook. I heard stories about how Deda Rodi was in a working concentration camp back in the war, but it wasn’t really talked about much. I bet families lose a lot of history that way. Well it was a total surprise what we found in that little notebook. A family secret. According to the notebook, when Deda Rodi was in that camp he had met another woman. Before he was sent there, he was already married to Bella Baba and had two grown children. When they were released he asked this woman to come to America with him. She said no. He was heartbroken, but went back to Baba. According to this notebook, he never told her about any of this. It was a secret he was burdened with for the rest of his life. Dad looked shocked. I think he is deciding if he should tell everyone else in the family. Bella Baba and Deda Rodi obviously did come here, with their children following. That’s how dad came here. He was 12. Only 2 years younger than me now. I can’t imagine moving across the world and starting over completely. He didn’t know anybody. What if that other woman had said yes?

Dad would never have come here. He wouldn’t have met mom. I wouldn’t exist. The children I will have someday will also never have existed. I can hardly even wrap my head around it. Who is this other woman? Did Bella Baba ever find this notebook after he passed? So many questions. I found it in the back of a closet and all the papers with it were very old. Dated before Deda Rodi passed away. We will never know though, will we? Because now she’s gone. They are both gone. I hope I can sleep tonight. I have a Geometry test tomorrow. I hate math. When will I even use this in my life. I’m going to be a lawyer. Lawyers don’t do math.

January 10th, 1997

Dear Diary,

We got our tests back today. I got a C. Mom and Dad were not thrilled. I said I would try harder next time. Honestly, I'm just glad I passed. I still can’t stop thinking about that notebook. All the what ifs. I get dizzy even thinking about it. I should just be grateful that things played out the way that they did so I could be here writing this right now.

January 12th, 1997

Dear Diary,

Dad has been busy. Today at dinner he told us that he went back to the house and found a few more things that went along with the notebook. He even got a name of the woman and it looks like he was sending her money. Dad did tell Cica. They have been working on it together. They both feel like they have hit a dead end though. I don’t think I am getting that notebook back.

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June 23rd, 2010

Dear Diary,

Hello again. It’s been a very long time. I’m 28 and a wife and mother now. I helped Mom and Dad move today. In the back of their filing cabinet, Dad found the little black notebook. I remembered that in my own home tucked away in the basement I still had you. It felt necessary to dig you out and reconnect. Times have changed so much since that notebook was originally found. So many resources now with the internet. The whole situation was never really talked about again, but I think I have to at least look into it again. Dad is on the fence. I’ll report back with my findings. Oh by the way, you didn’t become a lawyer and you do use geometry.

July 14th, 2010

Dear Diary,

Miracles do happen! Using an ancestry website, we found his mistress! We also think we found the reason for the money being sent. She had a daughter. Sadly they have both passed away since then, but the daughter had 2 children. They both live in America. I was able to track down an email for the son. I don’t know if it’s even going to work, but I sent a message and now we wait. I’m not sure what I am expecting. I just hope I don’t regret anything or cause anyone any pain.

July 18th, 2010

Dear Diary,

He replied. He is only 3 hours from here. This started half way across the world many years ago, and here the story continues right around the corner. What a trip. We've decided to meet in person….and now possibly only a few hours separate us from the truth. Dad and I leave in just a few days. I think my palms are sweating.

July 21st, 2010

Dear Diary,

We leave tomorrow. I have been talking to the son. He said he has quite the story AND a surprise for us. My anticipation is getting the best of me.

July 25th, 2010

Dear Diary,

We are back and just…Woah…We were right, they did share a daughter. It was the reason she refused his proposal. She was too afraid to come to America with her new discovery. She wasn’t very young and worried the baby wouldn’t make it. We spent the whole time sharing stories and learning their family history. I think we ourselves became family in that moment. The world shrinks and the love grows. Being in the middle of that feels like the universe tying a few loose ends together . We have a lot of years to catch up on. Oh and the surprise…the money he had been sending. She turned them into bonds and they were never spent. I guess they lived a meager life after the war. Our family secret was never a secret on their side of the tree. This envelope with proof of their short lived love, was carried through generations. They kept half of the bonds and they handed us the remainder. When we got back we made a stop...the value of them now is $20,000! We’re not sure what to do with it, but somehow it feels like it needs a way to live on. 20,000 is a large number, but this time I think it's priceless. People are never really gone when you keep telling their story. He loved two women and because of that, two different and beautiful worlds were created.

Bonus… I finally got the notebook back. I was right about its warmth.