Life Without You

A day doesn't go by without me thinking about you. When I was a young girl, I always dreaded getting up early in the morning so I could see you for breakfast. I always hoped that I could miss our visits so I could sleep in on the weekdays. Today, I realized that I was selfish, and I thought that our time was endless.

Now, I think about how you showed your love towards me in various ways repeatedly throughout my days. I remember the times we spent together in your home, and at the farm in the country. We played card games like "Crazy Eights”, and watched movies and television together. You always made sure that I was safe in your care and happy. Also, you put yourself second to all of us throughout the years continuously.

When I grew up, I dedicated my time and energy in my schooling because I wanted our family to be proud and to see that I could make something of myself. However, that took the time that should have been spent with visiting and checking in on you. Your greatest wish was to have visitors and to see your family.

Every time, when you held your grandchildren in your arms you lit up like a shining star. When your first great grandchild was born, you were so eager and excited to hold and talk to him in your arms. It was like seeing a whole new person each time. I should have used more of an effort into coming home and seeing how you were doing. I thought that I didn’t need my family’s support anymore when I moved away from home for schooling.

When you decided that you were no longer needed on Earth, I felt anguish and disbelief that you have left me. The thing that continues to touch my heart is that you rested peacefully with a teddy bear that I gave you for a special occasion. I realized that even though I wasn’t around in the end, you still thought about me. After a year, I still feel that my heart is broken and that only you can fix it. Life without you is numbing and greyish.

While I continue to heal and move on with my life, I want you to know multiple things. I am truly sorry for speaking about you in a negative manner while you were mentally sick. I hope you know that not a second goes by without me thinking that I should have been there more for you. Lastly, I really wish that I was able to hold your hand and to say goodbye to you.

Now, I look up at the stars at night hoping you would shine your brightness through. Many times, I wish that I could still talk to you and ask for your guidance. You will always have a huge part in my heart. I hope you are happy up there with your dog. She was waiting to be with you again. I want you to know that you are truly admired and missed dearly. Someday, I will be seeing you again.

I imagine you smiling down at me, and seeing my life accomplishments. When it is a starry night, I look up at the sky and find the star that shines the brightest. That star reminds me of you, and I feel a calmness that takes over all of my muscles. There are no words that really describe how much I love and miss you. However, I can start by saying... I love you.