Life as a Daughter of Agent Orange, Part 10

Hello once again! I gather I left Part 9 as a type of cliff-hanger since it has been several years since I wrote it. To those who have followed that story, I give my sincerest apologies. I was not in a good mental place to continue my story and I needed time to become okay again. So, nearly four years later, I am in a good place and can continue sharing my story.

When I left off, dad was still in the hospital recovering from having his esophagus removed. I truly wish I could say that was his wake-up call, but that is not my truth to tell. The only truth I can tell is my own and how I survived him coming home from the hospital. It wasn't easy, especially since I was going to school and working part-time. Outside of my mom, younger sister, a good friend, and my mentor, I didn't have a lot of support and it was exhausting. There are many moments I don't recall anymore because I have chosen to take the time to heal so I wouldn't let any of my past bitterness or anger to cloud my story as I feel I already have.

The greatest lesson I've learned in the nearly four years is that I have a wonderful chance to correct my thinking, my reactions, and my feelings so I can work on having the kind of future I envision for myself. Moving out nearly three years ago has changed my entire world. First of all, I'm not around the toxicity that surrounds dad that stems from his exposure to Agent Orange (the mood swings, the snapping, the reactions to chemicals); secondly, being away from that environment has allowed me to detoxify myself in ways I never thought possible; thirdly, I have learned it's okay to set boundaries and not let anyone who is toxic to me personally into my life. One of the hardest things I've had to do is come to the realization and acceptance that my dad may not ever change. I would love to have a positive relationship with my dad, but no matter what I do, dad has to make the choice himself and right now, he's not willing to do that.

Because of the physical distance I now have between my dad and I, it has been easier to respond in an assertive, not aggressive or passive-aggressive, fashion to dad when he tried to "poke the bear". I have been doing the hard work these three years to be a better person and a better daughter with the resources and emotional availability I have. I am able to stand up for myself in a positive fashion and am able to move through triggers from my history with dad much faster than even a year ago. They say time is a great healer; I won't contest that. But I will add that distance is a great healer when combined with time. I feel as though this last part has been kind of all over the place, but that's okay. If I'd written this even a year ago, an eleventh part would have been necessary because I wasn't ready to let go and move forward in my healing. Will I continue to have problems arise with my dad? Of course. But I've been given a great tool kit to move through them to the other side.

I don't regret sharing my story because I had to in order to move through the pain, anger, and bitterness. If I could regret something that was out of my control, I would say I regret that a possible perception of my journey was to lash out against my dad or to air dirty laundry. That was never my intent; my intent was to find a safe way to heal and if I let out some frustration in the meantime, then I had to let it out in order to heal.

Thank you for letting me share my journey with you. I hope in the process of writing my story someone else who has lived through something similar has found they aren't alone and that it is possible to get away and heal.