Letting Go

“What do you mean you found twenty THOUSAND dollars?” I pulled the phone sharply away from my ear as Iris shrieked.

“You know how I like to plant my tomatoes deep so they can establish a strong root system? Well, I was digging, and I was down about a foot and a half when I found this box.” I stared down at the muddy box in my lap, the rusty lid flipped back with the sun shining on the bills like a holy spotlight.

“Damn. Who the hell buries twenty Gs?”

“I don’t know. My neighbors say that the old man who lived here before me was a hoarder. Maybe he didn’t believe in banks either? Depending on when he buried this, it might have been a lot of money back then.” The smell of rust and decaying earth warmed by the sun wafted up as I closed the lid.

“It still is a lot of money, Jenny. What are you going to do with it?”

“I don’t know. I mean… I rent this house. Am I even allowed to keep it?”

“Allowed? Why would you even think that? Finders, keepers, as far as I’m concerned. You could, like, buy a new car or take a trip to Paris or something. It’s cash, so it’s not like anyone is going to know you found it. No one even knew it was there. That guy has been dead for years anyway.”

“But, do you have to pay taxes on found money? You know, like the lottery? And if I were to suddenly spend twenty thousand dollars, don’t you think someone would notice? I don’t need the IRS pounding on my door.”

“Oh my god, you are so weird! Most people would just take that money and buy themselves something nice, or pay bills or something. What if you put it towards your student loans?”

“Right, I’m just gonna drop twenty grand on my federal loans and nothing is going to look fishy.”

“Well if you won’t spend it on yourself, you can give it to me. There’s a diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on,” she said in her I have expensive taste so sue me voice.

I laughed half heartedly as I stood up. “I’m going to go. I need to finish planting the tomatoes before they start to wilt.”

~~~

I picked up the little black notebook on my way back out to the garden. I had started recording planting and harvesting dates a few years ago in an effort to maximize my yield from Colorado’s short gardening season. Did I record this in my gardening journal?

February 10th - Planted tomato seeds in starter pots

April 26th - Transplanted tomatoes into larger pots

May 15th - Transplanted tomatoes outside

May 15th - Unearthed huge sum of money

The truth was I could really use this money. Even though I was working two jobs, I always seemed to be a day late and a dollar short. Or five hundred dollars short. There’s the New American Dream for you. Bust your ass to get by; find a large sum of money buried in the ground and wonder if you’re going to go to hell if you keep it.

If I spent it in small increments, no one would know, right? Just put an extra hundred dollars here, fifty bucks there on various things over a long period of time. I’d watched enough crime movies to know that it’s the spending of money that got thieves caught. You couldn’t buy anything too ostentatious, a big red bullseye on your life.

Not for the first time, I wished I was more like Iris; go with the flow; take what comes; finders keepers losers weepers. Not always living in an existential crisis of right and wrong. Why couldn’t I just turn that part of me off?

“Yoo-hoo!” A short burst of wind welcomed Iris into my backyard. She stepped daintily onto the damp grass and looked around suspiciously, one heeled foot poised to attack some rogue earthworm.

“You just couldn’t stand it could you?” I laughed and brushed the dirt of my hands.

“You are a righteous mess. I don’t know why you do this. You know there are these new fangled things called grocery stores?”

“I like the way the sun smells on my skin. You can’t buy that in a grocery store now can you?”

“You’re an odd-ball,” she said distractedly as she looked around. “The sun doesn’t have a smell. Where is it? Show it to me,” she demanded.

“Right here, but be careful, you might chip a nail if you touch that muddy thing.” Iris rolled her eyes and walked over to the table and gingerly opened the box. She slowly lifted the bundle of cash out as if it were the Baby Jesus.

“Wait, what’s this? Did you see this?” I stepped closer and looked down into the box. A neatly folded piece of paper was nestled under the money. I slowly shook my head.

“I didn’t touch it. I didn’t take the money out.”

“What?! Were you afraid you were going to burst into hell fire flames if you did?” She set the money on the table and unfolded the note.

July 26th, 1964

For Bethany Williams. A child who never lived. I hope you know how much I love you. If there is such a thing as money in the spiritual world, I hope you find this and it helps. A fathers job is to take care of his children, and I don’t know how else to do that now.

Love,

Dad

“Whoa,” I breathed out. “That’s heavy.” After a long silence I said, “So now we’re graverobbers? That doesn’t make this any easier!” Iris was quiet for once and when I looked over at her tears were streaming down her face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” I slipped my arms around her shoulders and pulled her close to me. I rarely saw Iris cry.

“Honey, what is it? You can tell me,” I whispered in her ear.

She took a shaky breath and sat down on the dirty garden bench. Sniffling she said, “I… I didn’t tell you. This happened before we met, and I just try not to think about it.”

I gently rubbed her shoulder as I sat down next to her, “You can tell me anything, you know that.”

“I had an abortion when I was eighteen.” She blurted it out as if she’d been holding a mouthful of rancid milk. “I didn’t tell anyone. Not my parents, not the guy. I went to the clinic by myself and… and just told everyone I had the flu for a week.”

“Oh my god, Iris. I’m so sorry.” My words felt hollow and flat; they hung in the air like half deflated balloons, looking for a home they would never find. What else could I say?

“I try not to think about it,” she repeated.

“Of course,” I murmured. “It is hard to think about something so big.”

“This note... I don’t know, it just brought it all back. A fathers job is to take care of his children. That’s a mother’s job too.” She looked up then with so much anguish that silent tears began to spill from my own eyes. I pulled her closer and gave her a hard squeeze. We sat side by side staring out at the freshly planted tomatoes, spring butterflies dancing through the air. Sometimes the best way to comfort someone is to share the silence with them. Let them know that they aren’t alone while they wrestle their demons.

~~~

“Hey, I have an idea.”

“Hhhmmmm?” The bright smell of fresh veggies filled the kitchen as Irish chopped.

“What if we made an anonymous donation to an organization that counsels women about abortions?” I said quietly. Iris didn’t look at me, the knife poised midway through a cucumber.

“I don’t know.” I turned away to pull the lettuce out of the fridge. “I just thought maybe… it would help? And you know, no one can get mad about donating found money to a good cause, right?” I looked at her sheepishly feeling like I was doing something wrong by not reporting the money; like I was being a bad friend because I wasn’t simply brushing past something so painful. But that’s me, face things head on. No weaving through the bullets of life for me.

Iris looked up and slowly smiled; one of the most genuine displays of emotion that I had ever seen on her face.

“Yeah,” she said, “that is a wonderful idea.” Her smile widened. “You don’t know how much better I feel now that all this is out in the open!”

“I can tell,” I murmured. “And you know, I always suspected you were holding something back. I could sense the sadness in you.”

“Really? I thought I was hiding it well!” A sudden look of panic washed over her face. Like her secret was never a secret at all and she only thought it was.

“Oh you did,” I said quickly. “From most people. But I know you better than most people.” I swatted the towel at her playfully.

“And I know you better than most people. Are you really going to be able to let go of that Catholic guilt, Jenny?”

“Yeah,” I said slowly. “All the pieces have fit themselves together in my logic puzzle. That money has been buried for a long ass time, if little Bethany was going to be able to find it in the spirit world, she would have by now. And I think her dad would approve of what we’ve chosen to do with it. So, yes. The guilt has been banished!”

“Good, it’s about time you let go of your own burdens too, missy.”

We silently pulled the rest of the salad together and walked outside to eat in the sun. The air around me felt lighter somehow; old emotional rugs had been picked up, hauled outside and beaten clean in the spring air.