Lefferts Bound

Lefferts Bound

by M. M. Vasquez

The rain was falling softly over the city that morning – matching my mood. The gloom was thick and heavy, it almost felt as if the weather read my mind and knew better than to let the sunshine through the clouds.

I got on the train not knowing what to expect and decided to sit on the same corner bench, the same spot she and I shared for so many rides. The train was unusually empty for a Tuesdays morning – as if it too knew that I needed to be alone. As I sat down my mind went straight to the last place I wanted to think about. Why does Nana want to see me? Why would she ask me to go back there, knowing how I feel about that house, that place? “It has to be here, Elenita, in her house. I can’t share this news with you anywhere else.”

The memories came flooding back that morning. The smell, pain, fear, all the sorrow and guilt I felt that day – and for years after. I felt them all crashing down on me at once, choking me in that moment. What did she say that last night “I know you will figure out a way to make it Bear. You will make all of our dreams come true” But here I am, four years later and I’m still trying to figure it out. Between my nights at restaurant and mornings teaching at the community center I have no time to think about dreams and aspirations. Would she be proud of me still? Has she forgiven me? Have I forgiven myself?

I felt tears crowding my eyes. I took a long deep breath and decided to look out the window. The train was approaching Grant Avenue, and soon would-be above ground. That’s my favorite part of the train ride you know, when its above ground. I love looking out the window and see the scenery ahead. As a little girl, mom would sit me on her lap and tell me stories about the houses and neighbors as we rode home. Sometimes, I would picture myself in the big houses. I would be running around the big back yard, with my dog chasing after something. I used to live for this train ride. Mom and I in our corner of the train cart – our corner of the world. No matter how crowed the train would get, and believe me, the A train during rush hour gets packed. But mom and I never noticed, it was just us two in that cart. Always daydreaming our time away. There in that train cart, we would dream of all the possibilities. There, home was big and spacious, with trees and bushes lined with flowers in the yard. There, where no noisy neighbors would wake you up in the middle of the night. There, it was safe to sit out after dark, and I could read stories under the stars. Sometimes as we looked into the little windows, we would imagine ourselves in their kitchen cooking, eating as we cooked, and talking about our day. Our days were always happy, and adventure filled in those kitchens. No hunger or fears, only joy and dreams fulfilled.

As the train approached the final stop, I felt dread take hold of me again. I walked down the long stairs, and as I walked past the token booth, I could almost feel her by my side again – holding my hand. Mom always loved this train station. The Lefferts Blvd train stop on the A train. Outside was the intersection of Lefferts Blvd and Liberty Avenue. People always filled the little shops, and cars would be rushing down the road. If I had to describe this area in one word, it would be colorful. Every shop was a different color. Most of the islands are represented here. Walking through this road never felt like you were in the city. Its lively and warm. Our favorite Roti shop was just down the street from the train station, and on Fridays we would always run to catch the last order before the shop closed. Mom always wanted to open a little sweet shop here. “Elenita, I want be a part of its beauty, I want to share my sweets.” She would say.

Our house was just a block away from the station, down Lefferts turning right on 109th Avenue. It has brick face with yellow hanging pots on either sides of the entrance. No plants ever grew in them, just dirt, fitting of the building. But this was the best mom could afford. I didn’t mind as long as I was with her.

I walked past the little gate and up the broken stairs. Nana answered the door almost immediately, as if she was waiting by it with her hand on the door knob.

“Elenita, come have something to eat. I have lunch on the stove.” She said with a smile on her face.

“You shouldn’t be cooking in here, it’s not safe, Nana.” I replied with concern.

“I made your favorite, I think your mom would approve. You know I found her little black book. The one she always carried with her and wrote her recipes in it. Not sure how it survived the fire. I found it under the chair in her bedroom. So I decided to make you soupy rice with chicken, it’s the 3rd recipe in the book. Perfect for this weather! Here use this chair.”

Sitting at the dining table in this house, the house where my mom died in. All these years avoiding this place, I never came back until today. I couldn’t. Just the thought, that fire was my fault. She died in that fire saving me. Always my protector. I wish I could have protected her. I wish I could live that day all over again. I was stupid, the fire should have never happened. She could have lived and be here with me today. Tears crowed my eyes again, but this time I let them fall. Nana wrapped her arms around me.

“I want you to have her book Elenita, this is her inheritance for you.” Her voice interrupted my thoughts. “Without knowing it, she left this book so that you can have the life she always dreamed to give you.” Nana sounded hopeful. “When I found this book, it all made sense to me. Her constant need to keep a record of all her recipes and ideas. You and this little black book were her constant companions. You were the reason, she was writing this book for you. It survived the fire for you. Forgive yourself. The fire, it was an accident, no body’s fault. Your mom would want you to forgive yourself, Elenita. She would want you to take this book and live your dream of having that restaurant. She will be right there by your side through these pages.”

Somehow her words brought life back to me. “I don’t have the money to start a restaurant Nana. No bank will give me all that money. I’m still paying for mom’s funeral cost.”

“I have the money, I spoke to your uncle, and he helped take some money out of my retirement fund. And I think it’s time we sell this house. You need to move on and start over. No sense in holding on to this house any more. Its’ all here, this is my inheritance to you. I want you to have it” She said handing me a folder. In that moment I felt mom sitting next to me, her voice softly in my ear Take the money Bear, you will make all our dreams come true.

I walked out of that old house, the one that took life and joy from me once, and now was returning it. My head full of hope again, for me, for mom. I can’t believe this book survived the fire. A piece of mom was still here with me. Her faithful companion, that now will become mine. And the money! Leave it to Nana to always find a way.

I will make all our dreams come true mom.

I walked down Lefferts and turn onto Liberty. Walked down to the old Roti shop and grabbed some for later. Got back on the train, but this time there is no dread or sorrow. I know exactly want I’m going to do. Mom is gone, but through me and this little black book her dreams will live on. My dreams will come true. I will open that little sweet shop she always wanted, and share with the world some of her beauty.

I sit back in my corner of the train cart. I look out the window. I see the houses, in them I see mom, I see me. But this time it’s not just a dream. This time I know that soon I will have the house, with that yard. And I will run around it chasing things.

The sun is breaking through the clouds now, and just as the train begins to go under I look up at the clouds and I see mom, smiling.