Just Take The Photos

Just take the photos.

I know it sounds goofy and people hate smiling or doing weird stuff on camera, but just take the pictures. I know she's forcing you to wear matching christmas pajamas, but just take the photos.

I know she's asking you to move that Elf On The Shelf for another night and to come up with some crazy thing, but just take the photos. I know you probably look a mess and you are just chilling with your friends, but just take the photos.

I know you are annoyed. I know you want the picture to look just right, or have the right photographer, or the right place and time and all the things. But STOP.

Just take the damn photos.

You see here? This is only one of a few photos I physically have left of times like these. This is before all hell broke loose. It's before my Grandparents died. When they died it's like the magic of Christmas went with them.

They were Christmas.

Because what people tend to forget is Christmas isn't about the damn gifts. It's not about the commercialized breakfast with Santa or the ugly sweater.

It's the people.

That's what this season is about, it's about spending it with YOUR people. The people you love. The people you care about. The people that want you around. And now that I'm grown and older it's just not the same anymore. These photos are the reason I remind myself why it's important to make Christmas an experience for my kids. It's because there's magic in them.

I don't have enough time to individually put each photo here on vocal. But my Grandparents made me believe in Santa so hard. Each year we spent countless hours on perfectly decorating their tree, and seeing all the antique glass ornaments.

They had an old antique train set, and a nativity set dating back to the early 1900's that belonged to my Great Great Grandma. They had the creepiest talking Christmas tree that they would put in their dining room and it would scare the shit out of you when you walked by it. Because it would sing Jingle Bells, and it's eyes lit up.

You'd see the countless amounts of tinsel and fake Christmas snow. You'd see me get my first American Girl Doll named Kit Kittredge that I had been begging for FOREVER.

You'd see my Grandma and I baking cookies, or singing happy birthday to Jesus with a full on birthday cake and a candle. All of this because my Grandma and Grandpa genuinely loved being Grandparents.

They genuinely loved us so much. No matter what happened, they were always there. My parents may have failed me, but they were the safe place I could crash when the world was imploding. And it never mattered how busy I was, in the entire time I had been alive I only ever missed 2 full on Christmas Eve's. Once for bootcamp, and the last christmas before they passed away, because my son was just shy of 3 months old and we didn't want him getting sick.

Even in the Navy I always somehow managed to luck out on requesting Christmas leave, and my ass was ALWAYS home.

When I see these photos, I see actual love. I feel safe like a little kid again.

When I see these photos I am reminded of a simplier time with Jake who was my first boyfriend. We met at a grocery store right after I got out of foster care. And he came to the exact home in these photos and met my Grandpa, and spent time with my family. I genuinely was so in love with him.

Because it wasn't the idea of what he got me- which what he did was more than anything I could've asked for. But it was his TIME. Even though we eventually broke up, we still somehow always managed to find each other through out the years on Christmas just to grab a hot chocolate and catch up.

And to answer your burning question of What did he get you? You're leaving me hanging! He gave me a keyboard, like a piano keyboard. And it wasn't just any keyboard, it was his.

See what many of you will never understand, and I hope you never have to is in the foster care system you loose everything. At 17 years old, imagine police officers coming into your house and force you to put whatever you can take into 3 trash bags. That's it. We thought we would be gone for a couple of weeks or months turned into a permanent removal.

I had taught myself to play piano by ear as a coping mechanism to distract myself from my parents fighting down below, or hearing my dad constantly threatening horrible things to my brother, and flipping couches. So I would play my keyboard to drown out as much noise as I could. I would teach myself songs on youtube by audio and visual. I never formally learned sheet music or saw a teacher, I would just play.

So long story short, Jake heard me mention this off the cuff I guess. And we later left from my Grandparents house, to Jake's apartment. We were supposed to go ice skating, but he said in the funniest way, "I gotta make a quick stop." We go inside and after disappearing down the hallway he came back with his keyboard and said, "I think honestly you need this more than me."

There's countless memories I have associated with Christmas, but I'm grateful for the photos. Because the photos themselves remind me emotionally of the feelings I felt during those times.

With the state of the world it can be easy to just curl up in a ball and say Fuck it what's the point of doing anything. But even though they are gone it's now my job to teach my kids what Christmas is all about and remind them of the same things that I experienced. To keep these traditions alive, because my sons deserve to understand what magic is. And the pictures are apart of this.

Taking the photos helps preserve memories to pass down traditions to the future generations. But it's also the reminders of when you are gone and the legacy and impact you have on someone's life.

It's why I take so many photos. I remember going to each of these 3's funerals. Jake passed away in 2021 due to an asthma attack in his sleep. He was only 30 at the time of his passing. My Grandpa in April 2017 to a undiagnosed Cancer that had spread to his whole body, and passed within 3 weeks of his initial prognosis. And my Grandma who died literally of a broken heart that October 2017.

The job at the end of everything is to collect the photos for the memorials, and I realized especially with Jake's- I was so in the moment, that when it came time to say good bye I barely had any pictures. I realized in those moments that the photos were all I had left of these people who I loved so much.

So now I have become that annoying friend at get togethers, or with my kids that I'm taking pictures CONSTANTLY. Because in the end that's all that's left when your loved one is no longer there are the memories.

So this holiday season, just take the photos. You'll thank me later.

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