Just Breathe

“Just breathe and everything will be okay. This is not the time to burst into tears.”

I took another deep breath before placing my balmy hand on the ice-cold handle of room 0701. I slightly open the door to peek in and The somberness from the room immediately overtakes my body. The smell of used garments mixed with the stale air makes it even harder not to cry. I hear groaning from the room next door and screams from down the hall. The IV in the room continues to beep as it checked my Nana’s vitals. A single tear falls from my left eye. I open the door a little more and the shadow cast from the bed falls over my face. “Perfect. So they won’t see my tears,” I thought before entering the room.

Lying before me, was my precious Nana. To see her lying helpless in bed almost made me drop to my knees. Her frail body was being held up by multiple machines. Her sweet smile was replaced with restlessness. Small beads of sweat caused Her short, dark hair to stick to her forehead. Jaundice turned her usual tanned skin, yellow. Weirdly it gave her a strange glow that made me smile.

“You got to make the best of this, Lee. You got to make her smile.”

I put on my best face and give her the biggest grin. “Hola Chica Bonita! Even after all of this, you’re still glowing!”

My Nana gives me a faint smile and pats the bed, signaling me to sit next to her.

I obey.

“This isn’t fair! Why God?! Why?!”

My internal dialogue begins to show over my face as my Nana closes her eyes again to rest. I can feel that she wants me to just sit there but the anger stirring inside me makes it hard for me to sit still.

I’m in such a trance that I forget my mother was also in the room.

“Well hello to you too”, she says softly in the corner of the room. Her wrinkled clothes and bags under her eyes tell me all I need to know about her meeting with the doctor an hour prior. “They’re giving her 2 weeks to live. We have to decide where she’s going to spend the next 14 days. I’m thinking we bring her back to Texas with us but I have to talk to your aunt first.”

I look up to the cracked, peeling ceiling before responding to the most heartbreaking words I’ve ever heard. My best friend in the whole wide world was dying and I could do nothing about it. I notice a small hole in the corner of the room and I instantly wish I could crawl inside of it.

I take a deep breath and count to three before responding.

“Where would she sleep? My room?”

“Yes… for the time being. Until we can find a bigger place,” she replied, before getting up to stretch.

I glance at my Nana’s frail body, watching her little chest, shallowly move up and down.

“Well. This could be your last chance to spend time with your Nana. Make the best out of it”.

I turn towards my mother with a faint smile. “Well I guess we have a lot to do in 2 weeks”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“She really beat the odds, huh?”

“2 weeks and it’s been almost 2 years! That’s a blessing, right?”

I hear a low, baritone voice speak above my head but it’s hard for me to make out the words.

“You hear me, Lee?”, my brother asked while looking at me confused.

I snap out of my daze and reply “yeah. Truly a blessing.”

After leaving Arkansas, my Nana’s health turned a 180. She was back walking and talking around the house. She planned a trip back to her hometown, Honolulu, and enjoyed a 3-week stay. She loved going out to eat when she had the energy and wholeheartedly enjoyed trying all the good foods in this new town. We had a blast every night, staying up late watching Netflix and eating snacks. Whenever I went to work, She would spend time on her iPad watching movies and engaging in her favorite activity, shopping. She was bossing everyone around and soaking in all the attention from her cancer.

“You know, I have Stage 4 pancreatic cancer.” She would say with a sad face to any stranger willing to listen. “So I’m enjoying every day I can outside because I don’t know if it’ll be my last,” I remember being so irritated by her telling every person we encountered this. but now I fully understood how she felt and felt horrible that I wasn’t understanding. We didn’t know when her last day out would be and today was beginning to look like her last.

“I’m starting to see the animals” my Nana whispered.

We talked about what it would be like to transition a few weeks ago and I knew the time was drawing near when the “hallucinations” began. “It’s okay Nana. Try to go to sleep. I’ll be right here next to you, okay?” My Nana shook her head in a motion letting me know she understood.

“Wow! This is really it. Even an extra year wasn’t enough time to prepare to say goodbye,” I think to myself as I laid my head beside her body. I allow a few tears to shed as I pray a prayer of peace over her body. After asking for a peaceful and pain-free transition, I lift my head and turn towards my brother.

“You know this may be the last time you talk to her, Brody,” I say looking at my brother, teary-eyed.

His brown eyes glistened and said “Yeah.” Before kissing her forehead and walking out of the room.

———————————————————————

“Nooooooooo!!!” I screamed as I popped up from the bed. My forehead was beaded with sweat, my shirt sticking to my back. I was sweating profusely after experiencing what some might call sleep paralysis. My heart was beating twice as fast as its normal rate causing me to close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. I felt as if I was being held down for the past 10 minutes and I was freaked out of my mind. I look around the room. The plugin light next to my Nana’s hospice bed glowed onto her face in such an angelic way. She looked so at peace. Each breath, more shallow and soft than the last.

I roll out of the bed next to hers and drop to my knees. I say a quick prayer before looking at my Nana’s face, maybe for the last time. I kiss her face and whisper, “You know I love you. Always and forever. Nothing can ever stop making me love you.” With her eyes, barely open, she musters up enough energy to look towards me and knod, “Yes”.

———————————————————————

“Mother! Mother!”

“Come feel Nana. I don’t think she’s breathing. I don’t think she’s breathing!”

My mother rushes into the room and immediately feels her neck for a pulse.

Nothing.

She lifts back the blanket and feels for a pulse through her wrist,

Nothing.

Her back is facing me but I could tell my Nana was gone from the way my Mother’s shoulders instantly slumped.

I wanted to scream but it became stuck in my throat.

I began to feel the same way I did the first day she was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer in room 0701.

I became dizzy and wanted to pass out,

Until I heard a voice that said, “Just Breathe”.

I looked at my Nana’s body with confusion. I could still feel her. I could still hear her. What was going on? “Just Breathe, Pud. It’s going to be okay.”

“But how Nana?! How, when you’re not here with me?” I yell out loud.

My mother spins around quickly, “It’s too early for you to be doing all that spirit talk!”

I smile and look at my Nana.

“Okay Nana, I’ll breathe.”, I whispered with a smile before calling my aunt and sharing the bad news.