Jumping Off the Cliff

I tend to stay in awful situations that benefit everyone except me. So, when I decided to get divorced it felt freeing. Don’t get me wrong, it was terrifying like jumping off of a cliff. Yet, liberating in the sense that you know there’s a bungee cord. However, that freedom only lasted during the two days it took me to drive from Texas to Arizona with three small children. I drove there for no other reason than my parents had an extra room and I had nowhere else to go. Coming back to Arizona after seven years felt a little strange but living back at my parents’ house was completely unsettling.

I had a brand new 3500 square foot brick home in Texas. I was the mom you love to hate with the two-point-five kids and a minivan in suburbs. We moved to Allen, Texas because it was a fast-growing city with brand new houses. They were even building a brand-new school within walking distance. Our neighbors were friendly and warned us that come summertime it would feel like,” being inside of an armpit”. However, we weren’t used to the humidity and had no idea what that meant. Still, it was everything I ever wanted for my children. Quite different from the 1500 square foot stucco exterior home that we were now sharing with my parents and two siblings.

Sharing a bedroom with my children made me think of the two-bedroom apartment that the six of us lived in while I was in high school. As the oldest, I was sleeping on the couch with my baby brother. My two sisters slept on the bunk beds in one of the bedrooms while my mother and stepdad had the other room. I was asked to pay rent there too. So, it wasn’t hard to feel like a teenager all over again. Still reliant on someone else to take care of me while being responsible for taking care of others. Once again trying to figure out what my plan was so that I could move out as quickly as possible and finally have my own bed.

To me, Arizona always seemed to be a place filled with people who originated from somewhere else with the desire for a new beginning. I had planned to get a job, get my own place, and become an independent single mom. However, after only hearing back from the local Walmart that was offering seven dollars an hour, I realized it was going to be more difficult than I thought. That wasn’t even going to cover childcare expenses. I had no work experience and plenty of new bills. Bills that used to be taken care of by my ex-husband who had completely cut me off. I didn’t even have the money I needed to get a lawyer.

I was also trying to adjust back to Arizona living. For starters, the infamous Arizona sun will keep you from being parked anywhere for too long for fear of getting into a fight with your car that will undoubtedly result in lacerations and burns to the skin. Then there is the monsoon season from June to September when you can expect humidity, heavy rain, and thunderstorms. The best part of the summer monsoon season is that a giant dust wall known as a haboob will come to visit, like that family member that always shows up once a year bringing nothing but their problems with them. This dust storm quickly sweeps across the valley picking up rocks and debris that could be deadly if you are in its path.

The snowbirds always arrive like clockwork in the winter. You will recognize them by the cars that are moving slower than you are walking. If you are lucky you may even see an oxygen tank conveniently located by the brake. Then there is the sweet smell of Bengay when you enter your local pharmacy expecting a quick in and out errand run. Yet to your surprise there is a party of eight having individual consultations with the Pharmacist just to go into elaborate detail about feet, hip, and hemorrhoid cream. On the bright side, snowbird enthusiasm does remind you to appreciate desert landscapes and attractions such as the saguaro cactus, the pine trees in The Rim, and The Grand Canyon.

What I did not appreciate was the constant nagging from my stepfather. “When are you going to start receiving child support?” he asked while sitting reclined on the sofa and waiting for my mom to bring him his dinner plate. Before I could answer he turned up the TV to better hear the Dallas Cowboys football game. This giant screen old-style tv with the big back was one of two pieces of furniture that he bought. The other was a computer desk to start his at-home computer company. My mother bought the chair for the desk and everything else in the house.

In addition, he only paid three bills: the newspaper, the cable, and the water bill which he quickly brought up. “You know my water bill has increased by eleven dollars in the month that you and your kids have been here”, he said before turning up the television a little more. “You don’t have to worry about it!”, I yelled out. “My husband is coming to get us!” I then ran downstairs and slammed the bedroom door. Not only had I forgotten that I was no longer married, but I also forgot that I wasn’t sixteen.

My now ex-husband, did in fact, come to get us and to my surprise had bedrooms set up for the kids at his new house. He had purchased a home in Laveen which used to be nothing but densely populated farmland. Now it was suddenly a fast-growing residential community. However, the schools were nothing to speak highly of. So, I was told by my ex-husband, “if you care at all about our children’s education you will drive them back and forth to the Kyrene school district in Ahwatukee”. Kyrene was one of the top-ranked school districts in Arizona. However, a thirty-minute to forty-minute drive in traffic every morning and afternoon.

In the evening, I was used as an emotional punching bag. “Do you ever do anything other than sitting on the couch and watch TV all day? He asked while checking through the mail. “I cleaned the house before picking up the kids, helped them with their homework, and dinner is on the stove. Is there something you need?” I asked.

“I don’t need anything from you. I can take care of myself. I am the only one who takes care of me.”

“Then why did you ask me to come here?”

“Why did I ask you to come here? Whether you believe it or not I love you and you make me happy.”

“If I make you happy then why are you so mean to me?”

“I work all day to take care of you and these kids. How is that mean?”

“You constantly belittle me and put me down. You just told me that I do nothing all day but sit on the couch and watch TV which is a lie.”

“I shouldn’t have to come home and argue with you after slaving all day to keep a roof over your head.”

“Okay”, I said softly before walking upstairs and into our bedroom.

There I opened my laptop, plugged in my headphones, and retreated into my sanctuary of music. The first song that played was Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. The chorus played:

“Reaching for something in the distance

So close you can almost taste it

Release your inhibitions

Feel the rain on your skin

No one else can feel it for you

Only you can let it in

No one else, no one else

Can speak the words on your lips

Drench yourself in words unspoken

Live your life with arms wide open

Today is where your book begins

The rest is still unwritten”

Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. I knew what was going to sound crazy to everyone around me. I would be judged, criticized, and look at as selfish. What kind of mom does that? What kind of women does that? Still, I knew that it was time to take care of myself.

“Why are you crying? What do you want? Asked my ex-husband upon entering the bedroom.

“To live in my own place with my kids away from you”, I boldly answered wiping the tears from my face.

“How do you plan to do that? You don’t have a job and you don’t know how to do anything.”

“I know.”

“And it’s not like you can take them back to your mom’s house.”

“I know.”

“So, then what’s your big plan?”

“I’m going to leave the kids here with you. I’ll see them every weekend and then after I get myself together, I’ll take them full time.”

I moved back in with my parents and decided to go back to school. I started off taking classes at Mesa Community College then transferred to ASU. In the meantime, my ex-husband got engaged and bought a dog named Midnight. They then found a house that accommodated their five combined children and moved to Ahwatukee. However, after they broke up, my ex-husband decided that I should have the kids and Midnight. So, he bought a townhouse in Tempe, Arizona for the five of us to live in until I finished my master’s degree.