It was all a dream

if you told me 20 years ago this is what my life would be like, I would think you’re crazy.

Ever since I was 6 years old I dreamed of being a mom. At 6 years old, I could tell you what my kids names were going to be, what kind of mother I was going to be, the kind of husband i wanted to marry and the life I just knew I was going to live. I talked about kids so much, my mother would yell

“YOU’RE A CHILD YOURSELF, YOU SHOULD NOT BE TALKING ABOUT HAVING KIDS”!

But I couldn’t help it, being a mother is the only thing I knew I wanted to be. If you asked me what kind of job I wanted when i grow up, I would tell you “being a mom”. I’d ask for realistic baby dolls & save any money I got from birthdays & Christmas’s, Just so i could run to the baby store & buy real baby clothes for my fake babies. As I got older I would make up beautiful stories of the kind of life my future family & I would live. The kind of husband I would marry, the kind of father he would be.

Fast forward 20 years later, I have two amazing, beautiful, smart, crazy boys & a husband that I know loves me with all his heart. And you would say to yourself that I got what I always dreamed of. And I would tell you “not quite”.

See, I always thought I’d be a mom that never had to yell, a mom that didn’t feel stressed out, an adventurous mom, a mom who had a husband who 100% helped her out or simply just a happy mom

Instead I am a mom who yells sometimes, I’m a mom who’s sad sometimes, a mom who wishes things were different. I quickly realized the life I thought I’d have at 6 or 16, Was all just a dream.

Now I don’t want you to think I have such a sad life, because I don’t, I love my kids with my whole heart, I’d die if anything ever happened to them. And for my husband, I would say in some ways I got pretty lucky.

So you’re probably asking yourself “what’s the problem”. And I would tell you “it simply just isn’t the dream life I though I’d be living”

Although me and my husband see eye to eye in a lot of things, we picture life differently, while I want to live life spontaneously, going on camping trips, renting an RV and road tripping the world, taking hikes, swimming in the river, living on a farm raising animals. My husband sees life, laid back, watching movies. Don’t get me wrong I don’t expect to do something and be somewhere 24/7. I love to just relax and watch a good movie myself. But that’s not the dream I had for me & my kids.

Sometimes I just feel trapped, we live in a small 2 bedroom apartment, my husband is a loan specialist and well me… I’m doing what I dreamed of when I was a kid. Well besides being a mom… I’m a preschool teacher, working my way up to kindergarten teacher. Life as a preschool teacher & a toddler mom can be pretty stressful. Working with crying kids & coming home to crying kids, cooking and cleaning, doing laundry, all while trying to entertain my boys & struggling to get back Into shape, because let’s face it, two kids back to back really put a toll on my body. It definitely can be stressful, and sometimes I feel like I’m doing it alone. And at times I get really sad and I think about young me and the life I thought I would have and I think to myself

Maybe it really was just all a dream.