It's all hard to believe.

I'm almost 39, a mother of 4, a grandmother of 3 and have been widowed for just over 3 yrs. When I tell most people my story they are in shock and ask how are you still going, I always tell them I didn't know quitting was an option. You do what you have to do an move forward.

My Husband Cliff was my soul mate. We fell in love young and spent 13 amazing years together before drugs and infidelity tore our world apart. He became addicted to meth and we lost everything, our home, cars and even his job eventually. We moved 800 miles away to where his dad lived to get a fresh start. That's where he meet her.... After just 3 months in this new place my life as I knew it was over. The day before mothers day I discovered he was cheating on me. I ended up moving myself and my kids back home and leaving him there.

The next 4 years of my life were insane! During this time I learned to be a Solo parent, I don't call myself a single parent cause I wasn't. I also became a grandmother. My family went through so many ups and downs trying to figure out our new situation. After almost 4 years apart my husband and I had never divorced, we signed the papers 6 months after separating but neither of us would file them. We still loved each other no matter what the situation was.

In January of 2017 we started talking about trying to make things work between us again. Little did we know that in 3 months he would be gone.... The biggest issue was he had been with the same woman (will call her H) he had cheated with the whole time and they had a child that was 1 1/2. He wanted to come home to us but also didn't want to abandon his other son. We spent 3 months talking and trying to figure out a way to make everything work. Everything was starting to look like it would come together, until the night of his 33rd birthday.

I will never know all the details of what happened that night only that the love of my life was taken from me. What I do know is that there was supposed to be a birthday party at their home for Cliff. H showed up late and drunk as usual. A huge fight broke out and everyone left the home. As my Mother-in-law and her husband were leaving they saw the H punch Cliff in the face. My MIL went to break up the fight and H attached her, slammed her head into a table causing her to need 18 stitches. So for some reason instead of calling the cops there my MIL left and went home to call.

A few minutes after they left everything changed forever.... During the argument H took a knife out of the dishwasher and stabbed Cliff in his back on the left side with a large kitchen knife. She did this in front of 4 children, 3 hers 1 they had together. These babies were only 9, 6, 4 and 1 1/2. She then washed the knife off and threw it in the brush behind their home while the 9 year old boy took the cell phone out of Cliffs pock to call 911 and he lay dying on the floor.

Unfortunately after multiple surgery's to try to save him Cliff injures were to severe and died the next day. The way I found out my husband was dead was by a Facebook post 1 hour after he died. No one thought to call his wife and kids to let us know what was going on. We could have at least made it there in time to say good bye.

I am a little over 3 years out and still struggle everyday knowing I will never see him again. My kids are now 10, 12, 18 and 21. Everyday something happens that I want to share with their dad and I can't. I struggle with knowing the moment that will come in the future that he should be here for.

After a year of court I finally agreed to a plea deal to have H locket up for 25 yrs with no parole. I was given and opportunity to read a statement at her sentencing and this is it.

This is the statement I read in court.

My name is Jesica . I am the widow of Clifford and mother of his 4 children, Jonathan, Trai, Angela, and Tess. Cliff and I were together for almost 13 years. Cliff was a great husband and an amazing loving father. Cliff loved his children and loved spending time with them, playing games with the boys, coaching their basketball and soccer teams, going on mission trips and camping trips. Playing tea party with his girls. He loved his children more than his own life. Clifford had the biggest hugs and the most infectious smile. On March 27, 2017 his life was taken from us all by the careless actions of H. On this day I lost my soul mate.

H, you took Cliff away from his family not once but twice. 5 years ago, you knowing and willing seduced a married man. You took a husband and a father away from his family. I was left to deal with the devastated hearts of my children. Despite him leaving I was still in love with him and always will be. You kept him away from his children for 4 years and now you have taken him away permanently.

Unfortunately, I found out about Cliffs murder on line after it happened, I found out on Facebook an hour after Cliff died. Thinking it must be some horrible joke I called his phone, when his mom answered in tears I knew my worst fears were true. My knees buckled and I hit the ground. It felt like my world was collapsing around me. Every inch of my being screamed out in pain. I felt like my heart had been ripped right out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe it hurt so bad. I sat outside on the ground weeping for what felt like hours. Then it hit me I have to tell my babies. I gathered myself and sat my children down for the most heart wrenching conversations a parent can have with a child. I can’t even begin to describe the pain I felt watching a 6 & 8-year-old girl, and 14 & 17-year-old boy find out they will never see their father again. That night was the first of many sleepless nights to come, sitting up with a little head laying in my lap begging for their daddy to come back. Asking why over and over again.

The day after finding out about Cliff’s murder I packed the children up and headed to Florida. Being that I am Cliffs wife I had to handle and pay for all the funeral arrangements. I wanted my children to have the opportunity to say goodbye. Having to tell my kids their father was dead was hard enough, but watching those poor babies say goodbye to their dad is something I never wish upon anyone. Seeing the man, I loved more the anything laying there lifeless was a huge breaking point for me mentally, physically and emotionally. I truly believe a person can never 100% recover from that. All I can think is the last memory my children will ever have of their father is him lying in a box.

Trai and Jonathan will grow up without the guidance and support of their father, they won’t have their dad standing beside them on their wedding day. My sweet girls Angela and Tess will grow up without a dad to play games with, to threaten their first boyfriend when he picks them up for a date, and they won’t have their daddy to walk them down the aisle.

I don’t think I will ever understand what was going through your mind that day and why you felt you had to right to take Cliff away from us. All I can tell you is I am a Christian and God tells us we are to forgive our enemies, I try every day but I’m not there yet and honestly, I don’t know if I will ever be, but I do try. It is not my job to judge you, God will take care of that when the day comes.

H, you need to know that you didn’t just take away a husband and father, you took a son, son-in-law, brother, brother-in-law, and uncle form our family. Cliff was so much to our family. My niece tells me all the time she didn’t just loose her Uncle Cliff, she lost her best friend.

When I was first informed of the plea deal I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. 25 years that’s just not enough time! How do I tell my kids the person who murdered their dad will be walking free and back with her family in 25 years? There are 2 reasons I reluctantly agreed. One being the fact that I don’t want to put my children through a long messy trial, we need closure. The main reason I agreed was not the amount of time that you would get because as I already said 25 years is not long enough, no I agreed because you finally have to admit what you did. In front of God and all you must admit to killing Cliff and to me that’s the biggest reward I could ask for!

You may walk out of that prison after 25 yr but what you did will never go away. For the rest of your life you will have to live with the fact that you took another human being life, you took a husband and father away from his family. You may walk out of there but you will never truly be free from what you did.