Is this your first?

It’s not even been 24 hours since the birth of my son. I shuffle down the corridor, holding my stomach as I imagine the horror of my c-section stitches busting open. I can’t carry anything, not even my newborn baby. So his dad and my sister are there to help. As I exit the postnatal ward after being coerced to leave my bed prematurely, I pass by a midwife who was with me during my labour. She congratulates me and then continues to comment with what I can only assume is some sort of sick joke. “I’ll see you again soon,” she says. I’m so shocked I almost drop to the floor! I tell her that I won’t be doing that again, but she laughs and says, “They all say that, but you’ll be back here in a year I guarantee it!” I can’t help but feel instantly upset by her comment. I guess it’s because I feel like she’s generalising me and I’ve never been one to want to be put into a societal box. I didn’t respond, but at that moment I’m completely unaware of how many more times I would hear comments like this for weeks, months and possibly years to come.

Can we talk about the pressures put on mums after having one child, to have another? I never realised how much this was a thing but it is. I think it’s safe to say that there is already this huge stigma around asking a woman who has no children when they’ll be having kids. Therefore, why isn’t this the same approach with a woman who’s already had one child? Is there this automatic assumption that once you’ve had one, you’re pretty much destined to have another?

I feel like I was late to the party with having a child as it wasn’t something I had originally wanted for myself. Not everyone wants kids right? And that’s okay! But then I started working in a school back in 2019, and I just absolutely loved working with children. I remember always feeling quite attached to my assigned 1-to-1 child and felt sad when it was time to move on. It was only then that I started to get that slight tingle in my ovaries which made me rethink about having a little one for myself. I grew to love the idea of having a mini-me. One I wouldn’t have to say goodbye to and one that I could keep for myself!

So it was decided, 2022 was the year I was going to try for a baby! I had no idea how fertile I was, especially at my age. Then came the dread. I hadn’t thought this far ahead. What if I couldn’t get pregnant? What if it took me years? I didn’t feel like I had the years to spare (although I did, it’s just societal pressures telling me that I didn’t!) But then by some beautiful miracle, I fell pregnant, in March 2022. I had COVID for the 2nd time when I found out, so I was pretty ill at the time. I don’t think this helped, along with other stressful factors. The pregnancy resulted in a loss and was acknowledged as an ectopic pregnancy. I couldn’t believe it.

I knew I wasn’t ready to try again. I needed time to mourn the loss of the baby that could’ve been. However, I ended up falling pregnant 4 months after my ectopic, but I didn’t feel ready yet, mentally or emotionally.

My pregnancy was not smooth sailing, throwing in placenta placement issues, gestational diabetes, pelvic pain and group strep B. It felt like nature was against me again. It was a battle. And it felt like a lonely one.

After a traumatic birth, my little boy was born. The love I felt for this tiny human was indescribable, but alongside this overwhelming joy came my postpartum journey. Medical neglect, lack of care and a long journey ahead to recovering and healing my mind and body.

So when people continue to make assumptions and are then shocked when I tell them that I am one and done, they don’t see what’s going on beneath the surface. They don’t see the fear of experiencing another loss, the fear of another difficult pregnancy, or the fear of another traumatic and unpredictable birth experience.

If they did, they wouldn’t assume.

Of course, no one knows what the future holds, the universe could have different plans for me, however, the decision to have a second child is never going to be something for others to decide.

#oneanddone #mylifemychoice #parenting