Is there happily ever after?

Between how to make the child listen to us and what else to cook tonight, there comes a time when we also need to worry about our inner state of well-being. That's why I'm telling you right from the start that what you're about to read is philosophy sprinkled with introspection and inner reflection, so if you're not in the right mood, better say no.

Do not force where intuition does not call you, read if you feel like doing it.

I think I've mentioned somewhere, around here, that I was and still am fascinated by everything that means a couple's relationship, how two people find themselves in this big world, why some relationships work and others don't, why the first loves don't look, or do they look?, why some cheat, why others don't.

Why, why, why?

I've been building my own stories of princes and princesses who never marry, who are constantly searching for each other and find themselves in love letters and poems since I was a child. I grew up in a family where my father constantly confessed to my mother that he loved her, and still does today, and yet, as a child, I didn't understand, if he loved her, why he did things that I didn't consider love.

What does it mean to love?

Love, poor love, uplifting love, has undergone so many declinations and definitions that even today, I honestly don't know if anyone can explain it as a valid universal truth.

What I know for sure is that love is often, most of the time, too often, confused with sex.

And today, more than ever, the joy of being understood, accepted as you are, the confidence that you are listened to and that there is a person on the other side that you can feel from miles away has been replaced by action.

Feeling versus doing.

When the fire consumes everything in its path, acting on impulse, all that remains in the end is tears and sadness.

When the fire burns weighted, controlled by emotion, listening to intuition, the end is a balance between action and feeling.

Fulfillment.

Are we to believe, then, that those couples we see growing old together have reached this level of balance? That no one deceived anyone, that they always looked at each other, that they always spoke the same language, that one left in favor of the other just before the creation of a crisis, that the voice was always soft and the trash taken away?

Of course not.

Balance in a couple takes an enormous, enormous amount of work, energy, time, and the will to make things work. That is why the vast majority separate. I'm not judging, just observing.

Why is it so hard to find the person with whom you can achieve balance and feel fulfilled?

I was talking, a long time ago, with a friend about the relationship he had with his girlfriend at the time. And he was telling me that he wasn't happy that he didn't feel butterflies in his stomach.

And I asked him:

- Is it still possible at this age, referring to the fact that he was past his first youth, to still feel butterflies in the stomach?

Did not answer. But the question stuck in my mind to this day.

Butterflies in the stomach is a state of emotion that you have for a certain period, often short, in relation to a person. But it passes like any ice cream pleasure after eating the same kind for a month. Nothing inspires you anymore, you are no longer drawn to the same taste over and over again.

And then what do you do, break up?

If you feel he is your person, I say no. Because a person is an accumulation of energy, which is never lost, it just needs to be activated.

Balance is not just physical, gut-level emotion, that he looks good, that he has a nice smile, that he has long hair or blue eyes.

Emotion also exists on an intellectual level, when you feel that you speak the same language as the person in front of you, that you understand the same music or book in the same way, that you are attracted to the same things on a cerebral level.

Emotion also exists on an emotional level, when you cry and are held, when you feel good and laugh with you, when you are accepted with all your emotions, as a whole. Without condemning you, without judging you, without leaving to another because you are hysterical.

And fourth, emotion exists at the social level. When it has a roof over the house, when it is not financially dependent on anyone, when it provides stability and security.

There are 4 energies at the level of each of us and each one has its role in our development as an individual, but also in a relationship as a couple and finally, with everyone around us.

A person does not just exist physically next to us. But it is an extremely complex whole, and only when we get to activate all these energies in the one next to us, with our inner power, of self-knowledge, can we say that we have a soulmate next to us.

Until then, some dream of a love that does not exist, others go in search of it and never return, others unconsciously hide in the shadow of an illusion of a happy life, behind some obsessions, a constantly unfulfilled need, and there are others who they manage to act constructively, to come out of all this on the surface and to cherish their happiness until deep old age.

How do the latter succeed? you may be wondering. What is the secret, what are the steps to discover our soul mate in this big world? Says the one who traveled 4000 km to find him.

There is no manual, 5 simple steps to happiness, and no magic wand, if we imagine it like Harry Potter's.

The magic lies within us, in the ability to observe the person next to us and identify the need that he satisfies and the need that he does not meet at the level of our expectations.

From here on, the magic of each individual couple lies. There are people who are born with charisma, sensuality, with a level of passion that doesn't have to touch you to feel shivers. They are usually those born under the fire sign: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius, but we do not exclude the others either. They have the ability to satisfy a physical need without any effort, but the rest of the need remains to be verified how we bring them on the path of balance.

My husband is cerebral, he is the one who puts order in the chaos of my life. He satisfies this social need, he always brings me to reality, this is also the reason why we are together and what attracted me to him. What we did from here on, we helped each other to activate the rest of our energies so that we could respond to our other needs at the level of expectations. I've made it clear that when I'm nervous, he needs to hold me. He learned with me to accept that there is this emotion called vulnerability. New to him, now he knows her through my lens. We manage to meet each other's needs not because we were sprinkled with magic dust at birth, but because we work at it every day, communicating our needs clearly and concisely from Me to You.

We are the ones who match the intensity of the needs.

You're probably wondering, what if the man in front of me doesn't change?

The short answer is to ask yourself if you have the time, the patience and the openness of your partner to work on it. Or, if you accept a compromise for the rest of your life, as many couples do for the sake of the children, the family, the mouth of the world.

For me, a partner who does not try to change, because the potential exists in every person on this planet, has no place in my life. Staying in a couple involves work on both sides, and when only one pulls, it leads to exhaustion, and sooner or later, the death of the relationship.

We return, thus, again to love.

What, after all, is that love that gives us butterflies in our stomachs, nourishes us and fulfills us?

The most important man is not the one who loves you, but the one who helps you to love yourself, to know yourself, and then to choose to love him.

* If I had a magic wand, I would make all mothers in the world take at least 5 minutes a day just for themselves, relax and feel good. But because I don't have a magic wand and the chances of getting one are slim, I wrote Mother's Destiny for the 5 minutes of the day that every parent deserves.

** Pandora's box, I imagined this game as a friend that we don't have by our side when we want, when we need, to encourage women to meet more often and vent, to bring a good word as a couple when we think nothing can be done, to smile and remember that we are never alone!