Intimacy is so much more than you may realize

The dictionary defines intimacy as Closeness between people in personal relationships. It's what builds over time as you connect with someone, grow to care about each other, and feel more and more comfortable during your time together. It can include physical or emotional closeness, or even a mix of the two. I take note that the official description does not mention sex but this is what popular society has come to believe.

My husband of 40 years and my lover for 45 passed away one month ago, As I reflect on our years together I realize that the definition the world gives of intimacy is not exactly an accurate one. It is true that sex is a part of it and I enjoyed making love with my spouse. I hear so many wives say that they don't enjoy the sex act with their husbands but others of us are different. I relished every touch, kiss, and caress. I longed for my spouse to express his love for me and working up to that moment was half the fun.

When I first met Michael he had this little thing he would do that remained with us the entire 45 years. He would rub his pointer finger across the inside of my hand which he said was a signal that he was in the mood and desired us to make love. I never heard anyone else speak on this method but my husband assured me that quite a few people used it. Over the decades I would rub the inside of his hand at the most inopportune moments just for the fun of it.

We might be seated side by side at a cookout, a movie theater, a funeral, or a church service. Whenever I did this in a public place no one was aware of it but the two of us. This was something private and intimate between us as a couple and I thought it to be fun. This gesture did not always lead to sex but was just something that I liked to do. There were also times when seated somewhere in a public place we would let our legs touch as an intimate gesture. Most times I moved my leg closer to his but there were occasions when he initiated it.

All of this was private between us and no one else even knew. This was much different from when we were in college and were making out in every corner of a building that we could find. In later years we began holding hands and leaving buildings with our hands clasped. Now that he has passed on each of these gestures has taken on more meaning to me. My husband also purchased us matching outfits and had been doing so since 1977. He would also buy me new clothing items before they became popular with the masses. My point in sharing is so that other couples will begin to appreciate their own personal dynamic.

As he got older my spouse said that when I kissed his neck near his ear it tickled. He would duck his head and try so hard to keep me from doing it that I made it my mission to do so then laugh and say I won this time. I also would give him hickeys which far too many people believe is only for teenagers. This was something that I enjoyed doing with my spouse that was private between us and that I did not read in a book or online. I believe that all couples should do little things for each other that are personal for them, and no one else.

I loved when my husband would twirl his fingers through my hair. He always preferred my hair long and I enjoyed that he did. He loved Kit Kat bars so I kept them on hand for him. When he worked for a local hotel he was allowed to keep items he found that hotel guests did not claim after 30 days. I loved when he would bring me tokens from his job such as wall portraits, chapstick, and even a potted plant. When he needed to walk with a cane I would always hold onto him on the opposite side and people commented that I was so attentive.

Intimacy can be something as simple as lying next to each other on the grass or the beach with your skin touching. It could be sitting side by side on a porch swing with your legs intertwined. Find something that brings you two together in ways that are unique for you and no one else. You can glean from what others share but you must make these moments your own. It is more fun and definitely special when you work something out between yourself and your partner that you both enjoy. It could be just laying your head on your partner's shoulder that brings you comfort. Perhaps it's just a memory from a malt shop, fast food restaurant or kid's birthday party.

I find that in this world there is so much emphasis on how to have the best sex which focuses solely on the act itself. What is missing from that equation is intimacy because you can have sex with anyone or even by yourself. Love and devotion bring something to the table that casual sex can never measure up to. Falling asleep in each other's arms, waking to find your spouse has his or her leg covering yours, or that he or she is holding your hand is an amazing feeling. When you are intimate there are times the foreplay and the afterglow can mean so much more than the big O. I miss my husband and loved him so much but I must go on.