Ignorant People Say Things

Ignorant people say things, people say ignorant things, and ignorance, it would seem, makes experts of us all. One of the greatest lessons my mother ever taught me, with a great deal of persistence and grief, was “not everything that pops into your head needs to pop out of your mouth.” Words matter, how they are said, who they are said to, all matter, and nothing brought home that point more than being blessed with my youngest son, as an autism mom I have heard them all. All too often people find themselves hearing their own words before the realize they have actually said them, often wishing they had tasted them before they said them.

Autism has brought all kinds new challenges to parenting, and very few of them seem to be from learning to work with my son and his sweet way of learning things, working with my son is easy, learning how he learns, adapting to his needs are a first nature, that just came from being a parent. I found that most of them are from listening to, being lectured by, or judged by people who cannot imagine what a single day in the life of a neurodivergent brain is really like, and it seems too often that they lack any real understanding or sympathy to those on the spectrum. I am always learning and adjusting how I work with my son based on what works for him and how he learns, his wonderful brain doesn’t take in sight, sounds, and other sensory stimuli the way neurotypical minds do and therefore everything including reactions are often different, and frankly learning to cope with his needs have made me not only a better mom, but a better person, which is what it should do. When it comes to how other people think or feel about my son and how I parent, the only thing I can control is my reaction, which is not easy by any means, I will be the first to admit I have not always been the best at keeping my reactions to myself.

So many people want to make a mountain out of a mole hill, things that an autism parent has already adjusted to and for, the untrained masses seem to think need handled, different, better, in private……. Among the favorites favorite things spouted in attempts to help, or to cast blame or whatever, include: “He is this way because he is your youngest and you coddle him”, “you shouldn’t let him hold anything he can throw” (which would happen to be EVERYTHING, literally everything you can hold can be thrown), “don’t give him anything that can be spilled”, “it’s a discipline issue”. The list goes on and many of the people casting stones are not a parent at all. Too often I have “overheard”, a person or persons declare, “If I don’t say it my face sure will”, usually after I have asked someone who I include in my support system for help in dealing with certain struggles that come with being an autism parent. I am always amazed at how this was ever considered acceptable.

Not everything is deserving of a response, in fact most of those comments rarely are. The best response is often no response at all. My energy is best spent focusing on all three of my boys and doing my very best to make sure that the most important thing to me is giving them their very best chance at success in their own lives. Their dreams and goals are now my dreams and goals, I want to see them do well, but I will be there when they fail to help them dust off and always try again, or even move on. They are the rocket; my job is to be the fuel. As much as I want to tell other people that it’s not about them or their comfort, I often must remind myself in those moments that it’s not about me either, they can think and do what they want, I am the mom BLESSED with this boy and that is quite literally the only thing that matters. Responding often takes way more energy and doesn’t create any change to people who are close minded. My energy is reserved for things I can effectuate.

There are amazing people out there that do get it, most are perhaps fellow autism moms, and a very rare few, in my experience, are just friends who approach other people with the attitude of understanding and acceptance. A good friend recently stated to me, “If I cannot help then I check my judgement at the door.” It meant a lot to hear someone step up and say that. For a very long while I felt like I was on the defense when it came to my sweet children, but I have nothing to defend, my only job is to raise good and well-informed little people who try their best, and the people I know to be in my support system accept and adjust right along with me. Every autism parent knows beyond a shadow of a doubt who will stand with them and who will land by the wayside.

Always celebrate the amazing things our children do; their victory is our victory. I continually stand amazed as I come to understand how my son sees the world, I know God puts children with just the right parents, but until I had my boys, I did not understand that He also puts parents with just the right children. I had no idea I needed this boy in my life, and now I wouldn’t dream of a day without him. He has never been a burden, he will only ever be a blessing and I am so grateful he is mine, grateful I get to see him grow, grateful I get to change and learn with him, grateful for being able to see both types of people in our lives.

I often still struggle with my words, and not saying what I should when I should, or saying what I shouldn’t when I shouldn’t, but I know all words matter and I don’t need to say everything I think, and I don’t need to listen to everything that gets said.