I miss my mom, but I am happy she isn't suffering

The day that my mom passed away still haunts me; the image of finding her dead on the couch won’t stop playing in my head. She died in her sleep. So, knowing that I feel at ease knowing that she went peacefully. My mother suffered from pulmonary fibrosis. Below is a video that helps explain how this disease works and what my mother went through.

I was my mother’s caregiver, and I have a two-year-old. So I had no time for myself; going out with my husband was rare because I had to make sure my mother had her basic needs such as water, her oxygen levels were good, she was warm, and have food ready for her in case she was hungry.

I am writing this blog because I have mixed emotions; for example, I am happy I have more freedom, but I feel guilty because of the price of losing my mom.

I cried when I had to donate all of my mother’s belongings, like her bed, clothing, and random Knick Knacks. But I am happy because now my daughter can have a room to play in, and my husband can have our own office. Caring for my mom was draining because I wasn’t just caring for my mom; I also had a toddler daughter, so I had to wear many hats. I was everything: the cook, the maid, the chauffeur, the nurse, the therapist, and I was her best friend. Yes, we fought sometimes but then made amends and told jokes about our lives. One of the hard things I tried to do was help feed my mom; she had trouble digesting her food because she would get diarrhea from almost anything; my mom was losing weight so fast;

she got so thin I felt like I wasn’t looking at a human, I was looking at a creature! I would scream in my head, “Where is my mom!?” We would tell the doctor or specialist, but he wasn’t helpful. I can’t say the fuckin doctor’s name because there is an issue with his practice. So, my mom got another specialist, and my mom slowly started to improve, but it wasn’t enough.

I still grieve when I see her pictures or Knick knacks that were once hers. that i chose to keep. I am sad that my best friend died, but in a way, I am happy she isn’t suffering. My licensed therapist explained to me that going through the stages of grieving isn’t always in the order that we hear denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

For me, it’s pretty much depression, anger acceptance, depression, bargaining, depression, denial, bargaining, it varies. Do I ever feel like maybe if I had done something different, my mom would still be around? Probably sometimes when I cry, I look at my mother‘s ashes, and for a split second, I think, well, maybe if I get the ashes put her together, she might come back, but then my conscience kicks in and says it won’t make her come back her time here on earth has been completed. She’s now in the afterlife with my father.

I still cry once in a while. When I look at my mom’s stuff, I talk to my daughter and donate to local thrift stores that help others. I show my daughter the item. I told her the story of why we got it. I started to cry, and my daughter hugged me. When my daughter hugs me, I remember a quote from the film Sonic the Hedgehog 3. Click the link

when the protagonist, Sonic the Hedgehog, is on the moon, looking at the Earth alongside the antihero hedgehog known as Shadow. They are both discussing the pain of losing someone you care deeply about. Even though the pain and sorrow are there, there is something more powerful: the love you have for them, and you always remember the happy times. That’s what helps you get through the pain.