I Miss Him

Today started I can all dayToday started Like a normal day I woke up feeling groggy And went from my cigarette Maybe today with different maybe I want to feel the over well men black abyss maybe I would be happy today these are the Thoughts That Ithink every morning while having my cigarette and coffee Today was different Today Simon had to leave his only going for the night he would be back tomorrow evening that didn't stop the anxiety slowly eating away What if he doesn't want to come back What if I end up On my own I couldn't possibly cope on my own this man is my world my whole universe and I don't know how to do this without him A moped about the house for most of the day feeling myself getting more anxious and agitated snapping at him when there was no need to its not that he wants to go away but he needs to just for the night And a few hours tomorrow he promises I can do this and that he will be back as soon as he can I smile and tell him it's ok I reassure him ill be ok but deep down I'm not sure it's true.

Later in the afternoon I go to work I don't really want to not today I don't want to be anywhere right now I want the world to swallow me whole and take away the pain and worry but of course it doesn't and I push on through the day keeping myself busy not letting myself think about anything other then work.

When it's time to leave its like all the anxiety I had put to the back of my mind hit me at once walking home from work felt as though I was walking through thick tar knowing shortly after I get home he will be leaving I can feel myself so close to crying but today I have to be the strong one he needs me to be the strong person within minutes of entering the house he's at my side hugging me reassuring me that it will all be ok I let him see I'm a little upset but I don't show him the full extent of what I'm feeling it wouldn't be fair not today so I hug him back and say to him and maybe a little to myself ill be ok he tells me he knows I'll be ok and it's just one night that doesn't help not really my mind is swirling with so many scenarios of him not coming back or being unable to come back I feel the panic rising but I keep it down and smile the middle child is laid on the sofa and I no he needs to go to bed but again I don't want to tell him to go as I no once he's in bed Simon will be leaving so I send him to bed telling him I love him just as I do every night.

Shortly after it's the time I've been dreading Simon needs to leave it's almost 9pm he has a long drive ahead of him but I just want him to stay I'm not ready I feel sick and I feel my heart racing but I smile I give him a massive hug and a kiss I tell him to drive safe and that I love him I want to stand at the door and watch him drive away but my heart can't take it so I turn away and go back inside I sit under the window and listen as his car drives away then it hits me all at once like a train I'm alone even though the kids are in the house are in bed I feel so alone the tears I've held back for the most of the day get to much and they come spilling down My cheeks my heart feels heavy and like it could burst out of my chest at any given moment I alow myself 5 minutes of losing control before wiping away the tear and pulling myself together my friend is out the back so I decided to go and sit with them anything to keep my mind busy just to help stop me thinking and it works I alow myself to laugh and forget its as if nothing is different until its dark and late and I'm exhausted it's time to come back in as soon as I enter the house i feel heavy hearted as if something is weighing it down I go about the routine of locking everything up turning out the lights and heading up to our bedroom it feels empty and cold I decide ill sleep on his side tonight so I can smell him on the pillows the bed that normally feels a little small feels huge like I'm lost in it and again I allow myself some time to cry silently so not to wake the boys it's been nearly 3hours and I've still not heard from him my mind is creating so many scenarios as to why but non are the obvious that he's just not arrived yet I feel the panic increasing and start manically checking news sites for any signs of a crash of course there is nothing then finally I get a call it's him he's safe and for just a few second relief floods my system and I relax just for a moment then I remember he's so far away I'm alone and I miss him dearly Iisten to him talking and try to sound ok inside I'm dying my heart hurts I can't find the word that im feeling but I'll try it's like a part of myself is missing its an emptiness but heavy at the same time the tears just keep falling I tell him I love him and say goodnight once I put the phone down a sob escapes I lay wide awake wondering If I'll ever sleep tonight