I Know You Tried

Dear Momma,

I know you tried.

I know you loved us.

I know you had the best intentions.

I know you would never leave me.

I know you would never choose a man over me.

I know we mean the world to you.

I know when we moved in with him, it was because you thought he loved you. I know when you stopped coming to my competitions, it was because you needed to make money. I know when you took me out of baton twirling, it was because it got to be too expensive. I know when you stopped coming to have lunch with me at school, it was because you had to work. I know when you were asleep when I got home from school, it was because you were exhausted. I know you worked all those hours because he refused to get a job. I know you tried.

I know when I found you in the backyard, it was because the pain almost won. I know you never meant to scar me. I know you didn't mean to end my childhood. I know it had just become too much. I know you've kept the promise that I made you make that day. I know you didn't want to leave us. I know you loved us.

I know when I started dating that boy, you told me not to. I also know you put me on birth control because you knew you couldn't stop a teenager from being a teenager. I know you were too busy to notice how badly he was affecting me. I know when all the walls came crashing down, you didn't mean to break my trust. I know you only took his side because it would keep a roof over our head. You only listened to him to keep us safe, right? I know you defended his son to keep the peace. I know you threw the chair because it hurt you to betray me like that. I know you had the best intentions.

I know when we moved out of his house, it was hard on you. I know when we drank all night long, you drank to forget. I know when we drank all night long, I drank for you. I know the money didn't get any better when we moved out. I know our drinking didn't help the money. I know you didn't mean to turn me to alcoholism. I know when you found me in my room that night, covered in blood and incoherent, you blamed yourself. I know you didn't know they would lock you out when you went out for a smoke break. I know you would have visited me while I was getting help if you could have. I know you would never leave me.

I know I wasn't the same when I got out of the hospital. I know the weeks without my income had driven us into a financial hole. I know he was the only person you had while I was gone. I know you needed somewhere to go when we got evicted. I know there was nowhere else for you to go. I know he promised you he would change. I know you only went back to put a roof over your head. You only went back because you needed to, right? You wouldn't choose a man over me, right? I know you would never choose a man over me.

I know you didn't mean to spend less and less time with your granddaughter. I know you didn't expect to become a grandmother. I know you didn't like her father. I know you didn't mean to make me feel isolated. I know you just want to live the life that having children never allowed you to live. You don't resent us, right? You don't wish I had never been born, do you? You love your granddaughter... Don't you? I know you do. I know we mean the world to you.

I know you would never choose a man over me.

I know you would never leave me alone.

I know you had the best intentions.

I know you loved us.

I know you tried.

Knowing all of these things, though, doesn't make the trauma hurt any less.

Sincerely,

Your baby girl.