I have to talk about it

On December 31st, 2020 this day changed my life. My constant person my mother, worked fulltime at the young age of 71, say what she felt and we talk everyday. I wouldn't know what to do if she wasn't in my life. I could honestly say my mother is my friend, I could talk to her about anything. Interrupting my thoughts was the ping from my computer letting me know that the email of my papers to HR was just sent. I had requested a personal leave of absence. I focused my eyes back on the computer screen just to confirm the forms were sent. I feel so scattered right now, my mind is racing and I feel like I am in a dream. Someone please wake me up!

December 30th 2020 my phone rung at exactly 5:06 am, I reached to grab it and on the 3rd ring it hung up. I called back at exactly 5:07 am and there was no answer. It was my mom and this wasn't the first time she called me this early. She called me once that early to look up her jobs phone number because she misplaced it. She has called me accidentally several times, so when she didn't answer when I called her back I thought nothing of it.

After coming back home from walking my youngest son to the bus stop I started getting ready for my job I dreaded going to everyday. I now worked from home since April 2020 due to coronavirus and I guess I should have looked at that as a plus, which I did at first but that high didn't last to long.

My whole 8 hours of work that day was terrible. I had old nasty people I talked to on just about every call. My attitude was so not me, I was impatient, irritable and very short tempered, I hung up on members pretending it was them, which do happen A LOT! 4:30 could not get here fast enough. I could say my behavior was evidence of that time of the month, you know being a woman but it was not. My mother's call earlier that morning was beating on my nerve like a drummer. I had pushed it in the back of my mind and it wasn't happy staying there.

Yes! 4:30 was finally here I had a dull headache and I wanted to go crawl in my bed and sleep until this uneasy feeling went away. What is going on? Why do I feel so disconnected. I pushed those questions also towards the back of my mind. I got dinner ready for my family and made sure everyone was good before retiring to my room. I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed and the voice whispered in my ear " Did you speak with your mom today?" I stood frozen for a brief second which felt like an eternity. All the things that was pushed in the back of mind came bursting through. I looked at my cellphone which was in the bathroom with me, don't judge me! I KNOW I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES THAT!

I looked at my phone and it was 8:49pm my heart started kicking against my chest. I usually talk to my mom about 6:30 or 7. Once she called after 9:30pm because she said she was tired and laid down to take a nap, and it's not like she hasn't missed a day of calling before, well a LONG time ago or I would call her. But my mom always called...always. I rushed getting ready for bed and called my mom cellphone.....it just ranged and ranged and ranged, but that was just one of her cellphones, yes my mom had 2 and was more hipped then me , I have only one. I called her 2nd phone and that also just ranged and ranged and ranged. Now my heart was beating so loud and fast I could hear it outside of my chest.

It was now after 9:00. It's no big deal, I'll just call her tomorrow but before I go to bed let me text my younger sister first " Hey have you talked to mom tonight?" and send. It was now after 10 and my sister hasn't responded back yet. I should've expect that since my sister is an early bird sleeper because she gets up with the birds every morning. I told myself that my mom was fine and I should go to bed and get some sleep since this day was so crappy.

5:00 am my husband alarm goes off and it's time for him to get ready for work. I usually am up with him until he leaves at 5:30. I go and wake up my younger son to get ready for school and after he does I walk him to his bus stop and make my way back home. At 6:18am I checked my phone to see if my sister text me and she did at 3:21am Thursday " No I haven't talked to mom since Tuesday" Prickly hairs are standing at attention on the back of my neck. Fear is slowly drowning me on the inside. That was the last time I talked to mom also.

If my mom didn't talk to me I know she would at least called one of us. I am not liking my gut right now and God NO!!!. I let my sister know I haven't spoken to mom since Tuesday either. Oh no it's not good when we both are panicking. Should I go by there my sister asked before I could respond she said I am going to go by her apartment. Okay well let me know when you get there. Why are you tripping? it is not like it's the first time you guys hadn't talked for a day. True but that was A LONG TIME AGO!

Why won't my inner voice shut the hell up! God please don't take my mom away from me, my life will not be the same without her in it. My mom is my constant thing, we talk everyday about what we did, what we ate, how the boys are and if I did anything else today besides pecking on my computer as she liked to call it. Okay let's focus on the positive...got damn it!! I can't find it nowhere. I text my sister, are to mom's yet? walking up to the door now she replied.

I am going to throw up. I was sitting on the side of my bed, my right leg was was moving so rapidly from side to side and it was knocking against my night stand. Both of my hands was holding up both sides of my face while my fingers drummed on each temple. Tears are streaming down my face as I pray to God about what he whispered in my spirit. No God you can't take my mom please! I can't do this life without her...please!. My sister text, her bedroom and bathroom lights are both on, and I saw her car in the driveway.

That is not good news. It was now 6:36am and my mom is usually leaving to go to work by now. My sister said she has banged on the door several times and no response. Remember I said once she missed calling, when she did my younger sister who is now outside her door had called the police to do a wellness check. Let's just say my mom was not to please to see polices at her door when she was perfectly fine. I am not liking this feeling at all. If she was truly okay then she would've yank open her door while my sister was banging on it and probably slapped the crap out of her to boot.

Maybe I should come back my sister said in about 5 minutes. I could feel her anxiety kicking in, she asked what is you gut telling you right now? Why is she asking me that. I respond I am not on speaking terms with my gut right now or my spirit. It feels like I am in a tug of war and my heart is the battleground. Okay my sister said I understand but I am going to need some coffee to calm my nerves. Again I said let me know when you come back.

Within that five minutes God tried to give me peace of the outcome I would receive. The outcome I deny through pleading tears and prayer. Get dress the voice said, I am usually still in my pajamas while working from home, and yes I walked my son to his bus stop in my pajamas which are more like lounge wear...no judging! I ran to the bathroom and put on a pair of jeans and a pull over hoodie, brushed my natural hair back and put on a headband. I sat back on the side of the bed again God tried to give me peace with an old church song, and it was only the chorus part playing in my head

I'm free praise the lord I'm free, no longer bound, no more chains holding me, my soul is resting what a blessing, praise the Lord hallelujah I'm free..

It soothed me but it didn't change what I wanted. My sister text back that she was back at mom's place. I asked did she see her car still and she said it was gone. I felt a little thump of hope in my chest. If her car is gone then she went to work, but why didn't she answer the door when your sister was banging on it... O M G! I wish the inner voice go catch a sore throat so it could stop talking to me. Why didn't she answer the door? Her lights are still on my sister said. I felt the hysteria bubbling inside us both. You need to come over here with me she said.. I can't do this by myself, I know my husband is here with me but I need you to come now! I don't drive and my husband had left for work already. I had to work this day just for 2 hours from 8:00am-10:00am, since it was New Year's eve and we were closed on the first.

Holding on the hope her car was gone. I know she wanted me there but I was scared and deep down I knew I would be coming that way either way. I told her I get off at 10 but if mom car is gone then she must have went to work and forgot to turn off her lights. She was hesitant and said okay but let me double check if her car is gone since it's starting to get light outside, The panic hummed so loud in my chest that it vibrated through my skin. I started to rock myself back and forth like a rocking chair. This can not be happening, This can not be happening... I just talked to my mom, she can't be gone. Please God let her car not be there please, please, PLEASE GOD!.

Her car is still there my sister stated. What? You didn't just say what I did not want you to say. In this frantic moment my alarm went off, it was 7:40am and time for me to get ready for work. I don't like this feeling I am getting my sister says, neither do I I agreed. She lets me know that on the way back to mom's that she called the police to do a wellness check and she'll let me know when they come, Okay I say in a teary voice. God I can't right now, I just can't right now.

It's to late to call out from work. At my job if you call out less then a hour before your shift start you get 2 point and you only allowed 4 points a year. I got written up for my attendance for two things I got sick with an upper respiratory infection and was out in bed for a whole week, no it was not corona either, I even had a doctor's note but since I worked from home they felt I could've still worked. When my supervisor said "but you were out for a whole week", as if I didn't know that, I said yes and I was in bed. The second was my middle son was going through a bout of depression and was talking suicidal, thank God he is much better, but my focus was on getting him better and I would call out. Because of those two events I was written up for my attendance and I was not to call out until I was out of the negative points and this all happened at the beginning of December.

A job is replaceable, not a Mother or a Son. I sat down at my desk, clocked in at 7:50, pulled up my jabber we use to communicate with the supervisors. I typed what was going on to my supervisor and told her depending on the outcome I will be leaving. She said "oh my goodness sweetie!" okay just let me know. and that was the only easy thing about this day. 8:00 pulsated like a neon light because it was time to take calls and my sister text an said the police is on the way now. First call comes in and she was not pleasant at all, "What do you want and why are you calling me so early in the got damn morning!" click I hung up, I can't do this right now. Tears begin to stream down my face as I sat in after call work, which is a big no no for my company and you'll get written up for that also. I don't care because of what was going on and I wanted to quit anyways.

It sounded like a faint echo in my ear when my sister said the police is here and they have the go ahead to knock down the door. I dare myself and took another call because I didn't want to just sit in suspense waiting on her report back to me. You already know what she will say, just shut up you stupid inner voice, I am not talking to you! This time a man answered the phone, I read my little script, which has become so natural to me that it doesn't so like it. I still had tears stream down my face as the man said he does not want a in home visit and how many times do I have to tell you people this and this time it was the member whom hung up.

Have they gone in yet I text my sister. She replied quickly they just went in, I jabbered my supervisor that the police was just going in to check on my mom, I hope she is okay she jabbered. Me too my heart whispered...