I forgive you!

As I sped out of the driveway seething with anger, I could barely remember where I was going. As I turned down the main highway I pulled over at the 7 Eleven to get a bottle water. Can I ever go visit my brother without us getting into some knock down drag out about his horrible habits. I mean at 35 he is still floundering. He lost another job and asked me to help with rent. I issued a strong rebuke but took care of the rent because my nephew was there as well. For years our parents took care of Chucky and they never made him see the value of being responsible. Now that my parents are well into their 70s they are no longer able to rescue him , so that leaves me. I suppose since I am the older sister with the Doctorate in Psychology, living on a 500 acre estate, with four cars that makes me CHUCKY'S BANK.

I gulped down the water so quick I felt waterlogged. I put the top down and I sailed back to my hideaway. Mom and dad since both well up in age, moved in with me in the guest quarters that connect to the main house. So as usual when I arrived, I gave my report. Dad shook his head , grimaced and went back to reading his bible. My mom sighed and said "when will Chucky grow up". I sarcastically responded, maybe when we start calling him Charles , because its obvious to me that Chucky makes him feel childlike and his actions follow suit. Mom asked , How is my CJ? I said balanced as ever. I really don't see how because his dad is like a live wire. CJ has always been mature and now at 13 he was really coming into that maturity despite the example by Charles aka Chucky. Mom was cooking dinner so I went in to get freshened up before going into the sunroom. We had a ritual of watching the San Antonio Texas sunset while we were eating dinner, drinking coffee or having a class of wine. Dad would usually have his mango rum and juice , he said it was his liquid sleep aid LOL. Despite all that had gone on , the day was ending in relaxation and peace.

I always rose early around 4am to do my daily horse and chicken duties. I didn't have this ranch for looks, I loved animals. They were therapeutic to me. Growing up on a small farm only made me want to have one of my own. After all those years of schooling and accomplishments it was the least I could do , to reward myself. As I was mucking out Elijah's stall, my cell phone rang, it was mom. She was crying and could barely get her words out but I finally understood her, she said Chucky has been in an accident. I closed Elijah's stall and ran up to the main house. I could hear mom talking to dad but dad was on the phone talking to someone else. "What's happened to Chucky?". Cj had called mom to tell her that Chucky didn't come home the night before and he was worried , so he called his best friend Clete. Clete and Chucky were baseball buddies from college. Clete was like the brother Chucky never had and always tried to encourage him to shape up. Clete told CJ that Chucky was in an accident and they were at San Bandera Memorial. He apologized for not calling earlier but they hadn't given him Chucky's belongings from the car and he couldn't recall CJ's or Dads number. San Bandera Memorial was 2hours from Chucky's house so already my boat was sailing into all kinds of reasons why he was so far away from home , on the day when he should be home with CJ. Dad was on the phone with the ER Dr. He told Dad that Chucky had blunt force trauma to his head, a broken pelvis, fractured ankle and two broken arms. He was thrown from his jeep and wasn't wearing a seatbelt. The jeep came to rest on top of him. He was also not conscious when the paramedics arrived. I ran upstairs changed my clothes and my parents got dressed and we started the drive to San Bandera. Mom sobbed most of the way and Dad prayed out loud. I just drove because at this point I wasn't close enough to God to spit out a prayer.

We arrived two in a half hours later and was met by the trauma surgeon who had performed the first of four operations on Chucky. He was in such bad shape they couldn't fix everything at once. As he gave us even more grim news, we began to start accepting reality. Chucky may not make it through this. The surgeon said Chucky had an enlarged heart and was high risk for having a stroke or heart attack on the operating table. He said that it was due to uncontrolled BP. When Chucky lost his last job as a software developer over two years ago, he wasn't able to get insurance. He said he was going to get assistance to get his meds and continue his Drs. visits. I am thinking that probably didn't happen.

We thanked the surgeon for all he was doing and he left to return to Chucky , his second surgery was in 3ominutes. Dad looked and me and Mom and said we need to prepare if he doesn't make it. We can pray but we need to be realistic. He has a lot against him. Dad was always the realist. He was deeply spiritual but a realist. I was just a realist not spiritual. Mom was deeply spiritual but highly optimistic. We were like a potluck with lots of different emotional ingredients. Mom and I agreed with Dad and we sat hoping for the best but prepared for the worst. And at that very moment the worse began unfolding.

We heard over the intercom system CODE BLUE OR4 , CODE BLUE OR4. I had a gut feeling it was Chucky even though I didn't know for sure. We sat hopeful it wasn't but was nervous each time the double doors opened. Another 1hr and 45 minutes passed and the doors slid open. The trauma surgeon came directly toward us and we tried to gauge his expression to no avail. He began with Charles is certainly a fighter. He did code on the table but we revived him. We were able to finish the second operation but we don't want to try to operate anymore until he gets stronger from the cardiac arrest. He will be in ICU for us to monitor his progress and prognosis. You will be able to see him in about 30min. The surgeon warned "he was in and out of consciousness but there were no guarantees if he would say anything when you see him". Mom looked relieved, Dad looked concerned and I was somewhere in between.

As we waited I thought about our last fight. I said some pretty harsh things to Chucky. I was tired of his laziness and I let him have it , until he decided to lash back . We went a round or two until CJ came home and I hugged and kissed my nephew and left . I suppose I was feeling some guilt because I left on bad terms. I always heard you forgive people when they do something wrong. I didn't have a lot of experience in forgiveness because I wasn't like Dad and Mom , I basically had no spiritual awareness but I felt morally good . I resented how Chucky had turned out. He grew up as I did and he chose to make bad turns and it was at that moment those feelings began to gnaw at me.

It was time for us to go see Chucky we could only go two at the time, so mom and dad went first and I was too follow after. We had to limit our visits to 15min. The ICU restricted visitation to help foster a healing environment for the patient. Mom and Dads 15min went quick and they were walking back out of the ICU suite. Dad said he is talking , we told him you were coming in. I said ok and began to walk down the hall into the ICU suite. His room was first on the left. I walked in and he turned his head toward me. He had oxygen and I leaned over and said HEY BUCKETHEAD. He smiled slightly. I said you made it through the first round. With a weak voice he said "Yes I did, I want to tell you something" , my belly got nervous. He continued "I have been a pain and I didn't have to be, I felt so jealous that you had done so much more than me and mom and dad were so proud. I felt my eyes getting teary, he took a breath and continued "You laid into me because you knew I could do more and I want you to forgive me for giving you such a hard time" . I froze as the tears ran down my face, I didn't know how to do the forgiveness thing but I mustered up the strength to say Chucky I love you and I forgive you. I kissed him on the face and I said rest up round two is coming. He mouthed I love you Sis.

I wiped my face as I walked out of the ICU. CJ was coming down the hall with Clete. I think they noticed my wet eyes so they hugged me and didn't say a word. They walked into the ICU suite. I went back out to mom and dad to tell them what happened. Dad said " Sunshine he is clearing his heart and I'm so glad you forgave him because he needed that ". Mom nodded in approval. I was getting hungry so I suggested we walk down to the cafeteria and get food. We stood up to walk down the hall and the intercom blasted CODE BLUE IN ICU2, CODE BLUE ICU2. My heart dropped ICU2 was Chucky's room. Clete and Cj came hurriedly out and said Chucky was apologizing to them , saying he loved them and something happened he started shaking. We all stood outside the main ICU doors we could vaguely see a lot of people in his room . We stood outside for thirty long minutes and it seemed like 3ohrs. Then the door opened and attending Physician came out. He said Mr. and Mrs. Jansen I am sorry Charles went into cardiac arrest again and we couldn't revive him. Mom broke down profusely , dad holding her tighter than I ever seen him do. Clete put his arm around me and CJ and we all just cried. Dad asked the Physician can we go in to see him , he said yes they are clearing out of his room now , give us a few minutes. We all felt deep sorrow and it was the first time we would have live life without Chucky to fuss at or laugh with. We went in after a few minutes and Chucky lay there lifeless but his face showed such peace. We all stood there in silence and then Dad prayed . We filed out of the room after a few minutes , Dad signed the proper papers for the funeral home to pick up Chucky on the way out. Life changed for us all that day.

I use to think Chucky couldn't teach me anything. I was so wrong. That day he taught me what forgiveness was all about. I didn't know he was jealous or even that he felt like he let our parents down. His blunt honesty that day taught me to be more compassionate, even when I didn't understand the actions of people. I looked at forgiveness in a new light and for someone that wasn't that spiritual ,it was huge for me. I wished I had done that earlier but I didn't know how to let go of the negative feelings . It was Chucky that helped me say I FORGIVE YOU and for me it was better late than never.