The Candle Box

It was a drab day but the sun was shining bright. There was no food on my kitchen counters, or people waiting to come inside. The hearse was long gone and the family car had ridden off in the distance three days prior. I sat in silence wondering how would I continue. My best friend was no longer here for girls nights, weekend trips and family gatherings. Who would I call when I was having a bad day? Our Alaskan cruise that was already paid in full would only have one passenger instead of two. I felt so lost and empty.

Olivia was life to me. we met in college and it was like the divine had remarkably drawn us together. We immediately hit it off and the journey began. It lasted through undergrad and grad school. It weathered her marriage and divorce. It lasted past my mother's alzheimer's diagnosis and my fathers sudden death. It was like we were sent to each other to do life in a really big way. We were more than friends, we were sisters from another mother. We would fight for and with each other , but never stay mad. We had unconditional love that was was created in the heavens. I never would have dreamed a trip to get ice cream would have changed our divine connection.

I had just put my new quarter horse Lilly, back into the stable. I heard the beep of the range rover and knew Liv had arrived. I washed my hands and ran to lock up the house and jumped for our Saturday flea market bounce. We would go from flea market to flea market looking for vintage trinkets. As we arrived to the newest flew market in town , that stretched 2miles long, we pulled in and Liv parked. I then said you know it would be great if we had some slushy cream as we shopped. Slushy cream was two streets over and virtually walking distance. So Liv said YES! I will go get the slushy cream while you shop. I hopped out and went into the first vendor . As I combed through all the little what nots I came across a box. The box had a beige lace and silk combo for the outer covering. It had an old lock on it with the old timey key sticking out. The box was not heavy but it had some weight to it. I was so intrigued by the outer covering it almost looked mystical. The box was over 100yrs old and in immaculate condition. I opened the box and found candles and a silver candle holder. I supposed back in those days these boxes were used to house extra candles. People used the candles in addition to oil lamps to light their homes and writers often used the candles at night to write in the quietness of the evening. I never put the box down and I kept shopping. I knew there were certainly more hidden treasures with this vendor.

As I finished in the booth and paid for the box, I then remembered that Liv went to slushy cream. She seemed to be taking a really long time. Slushy cream was only two streets over from the massive flea market. I shot her a text and waited for the mighty ping when the response hit and it never hit. I thought to myself this is kind of strange. So after I purchased few more items at the next vendor, I proceeded to walk the two streets over the slushy cream. I was thinking that maybe it was long line since it was a hot day. As I turned on the second street , I saw an ambulance and fire truck. I saw people gathering outside of the slushy cream. I got a weird feeling in my chest and I didn't like it. I kept moving toward the slushy cream and the closer I got, I asked a lady who looked really concerned what was happening, she said a young lady passed out in the store. I didn't see Liv standing outside and that weird feeling turned into full blown anxiety. I moved closer to the door and I saw the brand new sandals I had bought Liv pointing upwards and paramedics beating her chest. I told one of the other paramedics that it was my friend they were working on , and he began to ask me tons of questions all of which I couldn't answer. I was simply out of sorts. He said they had been working on her for about 15 min and she wasn't breathing. He asked me did she have any conditions and I said no of course not , she is the picture of health. I mean Liv ran 5 miles a day and ate like a rabbit. She always got a good nights sleep and I felt like a slug compared to her. I was in total shock at what I was seeing. I began to pray because at that moment it was all I could think of to do.

Liv came too with a big gasp and immediately they attached a mask to her face lifted her off the floor and whisked her into the ambulance. The manager of the slushy cream handed me her purse and keys. I was so grateful because I then remembered I needed to drive to the hospital. On my way there I called Liv's sister . Her parents were both passed on and Liv and her sister were close. They had a set time to chat each day and it was getting close to that time. As I went through Liv's phone to find her sisters number she called. I was so glad because I couldn't find the number I drew a blank. I answered and Larson said Hey Shayne where's my crazy sister. I said Larson Liv is on her way to the hospital in the ambulance I am following. She passed out in the slushy cream. She said WHAT! I said yes , and the paramedics had to revive her and it took them a while but they did. I said the paramedic asked me did I know of any conditions she had and I had no clue Liv has always been in great health. A dark silence was on the other end. I said Larson are you there she said yes I am Shayne. What hospital are you going to. I said Kippur Memorial, and she said I am leaving now and will be there within the hour. I said ok, but what should I tell the Dr. if they ask about her health ? Larson calmly took a pause and said tell them her sister is coming and will answer any question they have. Keep me posted for all changes. I said ok and we hung up. I got to the hospital and of course I couldn't go in to the emergency suite. I reached in Liv's purse got her insurance card and drivers license and the lady said OH OUR LIV.I was like HUH??? Then another lady came up and said oh no, she looked at me and said I know this is tough but Liv is a fighter , we are rooting for her. By that time I was clueless. These people acted as if they knew Liv. It was like everyone around me knew something I didn't know. They quickly verified her info and gave me her cards and directed me to the waiting room. I had a thousand questions running through my mind

As I sat there I wondered , why didn't Larson say Liv had no issues? Why do the ladies at the hospital know who Liv is personally? Something in me felt out of the loop. About 45 min later Larson walked through the doors and I waved as she was directed by the same two ladies that checked Liv in to the double doors. I knew then there was something hidden. After about 30 min. Larson came through the doors her face beat red. She had been crying and she was visibly upset. I said Larson how is Liv? She said not good, Shayne. I said what is going on the ladies knew her by name that checked her in , has she ever worked here? She said no Shayne, Liv comes her for her chemo treatments! I SAID WHAT CHEMO TREATMENTS! She said Shayne Liv has a brain tumor. This episode is a result of an aneurysm that formed because of the tumor. They have put her on a ventilator to see if she will regain consciousness. I said Larson I had no idea Liv was sick, I can't believe she didn't mention it. She began to cry and said Shayne Liv didn't want you to worry especially since your memaw passed with the brain tumor less than a year prior. She felt she would beat it then tell you. She made me promise not to breath a word unless an emergency happened. My heart sank. I couldn't believe that she had been going through this alone and I had no clue. It was like Liv was living another life outside of her bestie. I felt every emotion there was to feel. I was angry and distraught all at the same time. I didn't question why Larson came twice a month to meet Liv for lunch. I didn't put it together that Larson was meeting Liv for her chemo appts and lunch if she was able afterwards. I didn't make an issue about her tiredness, I thought it was normal aging , I mean we are in our 50s now. I can't believe the person I had been best friends with for over 35yrs was at the brink of death and her journey was one that I wasn't invited on.

They Dr. came in the waiting area to give us an update. He said that Liv currently had very little brain function and that the aneurysm had pooled blood all over her brain. He said it was a waiting game to see if her body could absorb the blood and he could then give a better prognosis. He said she would remain in ICU with limited visitation. So Larson and I proceeded down the corridor to her room . I had never seen so many machines and tubes. Under all that machinery was my best friend and I could no longer contain my emotion. Larson held me and we cried together and then walked to each side of her bed. We both let her know we loved her and we were there for her. That day began a 10day journey to the end.

After 9 days of being in ICU and no brain activity Larson had to make the difficult decision to take Liv off of life support. It tore her heart out but she knew that Liv had requested that if anything happened she didn't want to linger on life support. So she signed the paperwork and I accompanied her to her room to say our last goodbyes before they stopped her machines. One by one the machines went off line , her chest barely rose and fell with her eyes closed. We sang her favorite song, You are my sunshine and just like that her chest was frozen in place. She was gone . My whole life took a turn and for the first time that turn was without Liv.

It was time to prepare for her memorial service and Liv had prepared for all of that. She had planned her own memorial service right under my nose. I still couldn't believe how much I had missed. It was a wonderful service and so many people came out to share condolences with Larson and their extended family. I knew many of Liv's family members so I was right in the mix with them. Over the next few days I helped Larson prepare Liv's condo to be sold. We cleared out her personal belongings and Larson was able to put it on the market. Every day seemed harder but I had to keep going not just for myself but because I knew Liv would not have wanted me to stop living. I left Liv's condo for the very last time and cried all the way home.

Pulling in my driveway that afternoon, I checked the mail and my furry Kachi met me at the door. She was rambunctious as ever and was a happy distraction from my sad disposition. I wanted to use the rest the day , since it was sunny outside to do some gardening. I want to weed out my rose garden and and plant some new marigolds. Liv loved marigolds. She always had to have marigolds around. She called them her sunshine plant. Memories of her never left my mind as dug through the soil , planting and weeding . After some time I went back into the house, got cleaned up and I wanted to light a few candles. I had candles all around the house . In every room all types of fragrances from euclyptus to lavender. As I was lighting the candles I remembered the candle box.

I went into my guest bedroom and grabbed the candle box. Liv never got to see it but I knew she would have loved it. I figured I would light a few of the candles in her memory as I journaled. I noticed the box was not in the place I had put it and that was really strange. It was now on the bedside nightstand and it was opened. I thought that was strange. I knew that Larson had come by to stay with me while we got Liv's house ready and she was in that room . I thought to myself she may have just been intrigued with the box and looked into it. I grabbed the box and took it to the living room and began to open it and select which candle I would burn . I chose the pink one the , Liv's favorite color. I lit the candle and placed it in the holder and I clumsily hit the box with me knee as I sat down and it toppled over. I was so hoping I didn't break any of the candles. When I picked up the box the candles were dumped out and on top of it was a little black book.

The book looked like a worn journal but it didn't have a lock on it so I opened it . I read the first page and almost dropped the book. The first page read...LIV'S CANCER JOURNEY-ONE DAY AT A TIME. I was flabbergasted. How did the journal get in the box? I suppose maybe Larson was reading it and forgotten to get it when she left. Then I thought again but it was at the bottom of the box not the top. It was all weird to me but I sat down to read it. There were 67pages in the worn book. Each day Liv wrote how she felt. The treatment days were marked with a red marker at the top labeled T-DAY. She wrote ever single detail. There were even details of our flea market Saturdays and how we laughed at everything. She had good days and bad but most were good. I couldn't put the little black book down. I read non-stop until I reached page 44. The top of the page read PROTECTING SHAYNE. Liv wrote how telling me about her diagnosis would make an emotional wreck. She felt she needed to protect my emotional health. She wrote how I had such a hard time with my grandmothers death and I did. Mentally I could not function for about three months. Liv was with me the entire time and literally brought life back to me . She spoke warmly of our years of friendship and how I was there with her during her volatile divorce from Gary. He tried to literally destroy her but in the end she was triumphant. She spoke about how she would depend more on Larson and not share her diagnosis with me. She ended page 44 with This is best for me and Shayne.

I could no longer hold back the tears. I sobbed uncontrollably. I didn't know whether to be angry or grateful. I just felt like I could have been a help. Then I thought to myself, Liv has always made wise decisions and this is no different. I actually don't have a memory of her being sick or taking treatment. All my memories were of a life long friendship. It was the way she wanted me to remember her. I continued to read the journal I had more pages to go and by now I had to finish it.

At about page 60 Liv begins to talk about how she feels different. She talks about her symptoms and memory loss and how she has all these reminders on her phone. She felt like the tumor was not reacting well to the chemo drug she was taking. She wrote about being really tired and dizzy. She ended page 60 with no matter when my time comes I have lived a full life. I have had a great friend in Shayne and the support of my sister Larson. I have nothing to complain about and I am grateful. I read the last seven pages of all the things she was grateful for. The little black book turned from a day to day events journal to a gratitude journal. Everything she was grateful for was written on those pages. It was a remarkable uplift after a somber page 60.

I kept her little black book in my candle box . When Larson phoned me the next day just to check on me I mentioned it to her. She admitted she had read the entire book and left it for me. She said she knew I would find in the candle box because I love candles and I would eventually go through the box. I thanked her for doing so. It gave me a glimpse of her last 67days. I didn't feel on the outside of her illness anymore , I felt very connected to her process. It opened me up to gratitude journaling and each day when I journal I leave a space for things I was grateful for in that day. Liv did so much for me in life, but that little black book did just as much after her death.