How to Survive a Relationship Without Throwing a Dish (Or Your Dignity)

Let’s cut the rom-com crap right now.

Love isn't about kissing in the rain or whispering sweet nothings under fairy lights. It’s about surviving your partner's snoring, mysterious mood swings, and refusal to acknowledge that the toilet roll goes over, not under.

If you’re currently in a relationship, thinking about one, or just recovering from your last “situationship” with a guy who claimed he was emotionally available but still followed his ex’s mom on Instagram—this is for you.

Here’s how to navigate love in the real world… and keep your sanity, your snacks, and your sarcasm intact.

Step 1: Don’t Believe the Bio

You meet on an app. He says he’s 6’2.

She says she’s "easy-going."

They both lied.

Before you know it, you're on a date with someone whose personality is 90% dog pics and 10% emotionally repressed sarcasm. You split a bottle of wine, swap awkward stories, and BAM—you’re bonded over mutual trauma and a shared hatred for slow walkers.

Is it love?

Is it gas?

Hard to say. But you're in.

Step 2: Embrace the Honeymoon Delusion

Everything they do is adorable. Even the way they sneeze like a dying squirrel.

You develop pet names like “snuggle puff” and “sexy gremlin.” You pretend to like jazz. They pretend to care about your childhood trauma. You leave a toothbrush at their place. Then a hoodie. Then your soul.

You don’t move in, you slowly invade. It starts with snacks and ends with shared WiFi and a heated debate about the right way to load the dishwasher. (Spoiler: there is a right way. You’re doing it wrong.)

Step 3: Prepare for War (aka The Chore Phase)

Love is patient.

Love is kind.

Love also wants to throttle you when you leave your socks all over the floor like breadcrumb clues for a breakup.

This is where the real tension begins.

"I cooked, you clean" turns into "I cooked, you ghosted the kitchen and now we're both hangry and hateful."

You start tracking chores like a petty little accountant.

You leave notes. They ignore them. You shrink their favorite jumper on “accident.”

That’s not sabotage. That’s self-care.

Step 4: Learn the Sacred Art of Netflix Negotiation

Relationships are built on compromise.

And nothing says compromise like pretending to enjoy a documentary about serial killers while secretly wishing you were watching trashy dating shows with wine-throwing and fake lashes.

You spend 46 minutes choosing a show, fall asleep 6 minutes in, and wake up in a puddle of emotional exhaustion and Dorito crumbs.

If they watch ahead without you? That’s not just betrayal. That’s Netflix adultery. Grounds for immediate trial by group chat.

Step 5: Speak Your Love Language (Even If It’s Snacks)

Some people say “I love you.”

Others say “Did you eat today?” or “I brought you fries.”

Both are valid.

Real intimacy isn't sexy lingerie and bubble baths. It’s seeing your partner ugly-cry over a dog food commercial and not running away.

It’s tolerating their weird family, their weirder sleep habits, and their obsession with folding towels in thirds.

Say “I love you” the way it matters:

Through acts of service, shared memes, and silent understanding when you hand them the remote without comment.

Step 6: Prepare for Meltdowns (And Order Sushi)

You will fight.

Over stupid things.

Like takeout orders, or who used the last of the oat milk and put the empty carton back like a psychopath.

When this happens, breathe.

Then order sushi.

Food is the sixth love language.

Nothing heals emotional wounds faster than soy sauce and shared dumplings.

Except maybe chocolate... but that’s Level 10 damage control.

Step 7: Accept That Jealousy Isn’t Rational (But Still Real)

You’re fine. Totally fine.

Until they like their ex’s photo from 2016. Of a bagel. No caption.

Suddenly you’ve deep-dived into her entire Instagram, her dog’s Instagram, and her second cousin’s LinkedIn.

You're not jealous. You're just… investigating for your own peace of mind.

Let it go. (And then block her for your emotional safety.)

Step 8: Love Grows… And So Does the Laundry Pile

Eventually, love stops being fireworks and starts being comfort.

You stop trying to impress each other and start existing side by side in all your weird, wonderful mess.

Your home smells like takeout and Febreze. The laundry never ends. But neither does the low-grade affection.

They know your coffee order. You know when not to talk.

You have a rhythm. A language. A routine that looks boring on paper but feels like magic when you're both buried under a blanket on a rainy Sunday.

Step 9: Keep the Hoodie. Leave the Trauma.

Every relationship leaves you with something.

Sometimes it’s love.

Sometimes it’s trauma.

Sometimes it’s just a hoodie that smells like regret and detergent.

You’ll carry the memories, the laughs, the petty fights over pizza toppings, and that time they made you feel like the best version of yourself… even if it didn’t last.

And that’s okay.

Because love isn’t always forever.

But leftovers? Leftovers teach you how to love better next time.

So no, love isn’t easy.

It’s messy, ridiculous, vulnerable, and often emotionally exhausting.

But it’s also beautiful in the weirdest, most wonderfully human way.

Just remember:

If they won’t share their fries, they’re not the one.

Like this? There’s a whole e-magazine where this came from.

Love, Lies & Leftovers – 22 pages of funny, brutally honest survival tips for love, life, and laundry.

Grab it while your relationship is still standing. 📥 Love, Lies & Leftovers