How to Forgive Your Partner, When the Hurt Feels Big

Do you find it difficult to forgive your partner? Your sense of emotional safety and trust in your spouse can be severely harmed when a loved one fails to act in a way that is emotionally supportive when you most need them to. In reality, from what I've observed as a couples counselor and affair recovery coach, the relationship can seem to have changed irrevocably: Positive experiences are erased, leaving us to see only defects, unpleasant behaviors, and warning signs of more negative events to come. It can be quite challenging to forgive your partner at these times, and these miscommunications can strain relationships. If they become commonplace, they may turn painful, gradually eroding the initial sense of security and love.

Many times, couples try to ignore these warning signals of difficulty in their union, but in the end, bitterness sets in and weakens the bond that was first established.

The partners who cause these forms of harm frequently do so unintentionally or without malice. Instead, they simply are not sensitive to their partner's needs and are genuinely unable to provide emotional support. Some hurts are also indicators of a dysfunctional marriage dynamic, to which both partners contribute.

The signals of marital difficulties are frequently ignored by couples, but in the end, resentment sets in and weakens the initial bond. The relationship becomes more brittle, distant, and unfulfilling as they try to establish a life together on shaky footing. This could even result in adultery or the development of crushes on other people. One strategy for overcoming these types of persistent, profound experiences of detachment.

So how can you make your partner forgive you? True forgiveness frequently necessitates both parties' involvement in a close relationship. The "offending partner" realizing they have seriously damaged their partner is a start. However, renowned psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson's study indicates that the key to obtaining forgiveness is for the person who caused the damage to care about and take seriously their partner's suffering.

The first and most crucial step on the road to forgiveness is compassion. In her book Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Dr. Johnson outlines an additional six crucial steps to forgiveness.

How to Forgive Your Partner in step by step

The injured spouse must express their hurt as honestly and fully as possible (for example, "I felt so betrayed/extremely alone/really unloved/etc.”).

The hurting partner accepts his or her role in the pain, listens, and stays present. Pain cannot be really released until it is acknowledged and validated.

The betrayed spouse begins to break through his or her defensive wall and once more expresses the extent of their hurt, pain, etc.

The offender acknowledges responsibility for the harm done, justifies the other's suffering, and offers a sincere, sincere apology. Then, a sincere apology encourages reconnection.

The injured partner decides what they need to do to end the hurt and tells their partner directly about it. The responsive partner responds correctly and empathically.

The pair now has a fresh narrative about how they faced the trauma and sorrow as a unit and are starting to heal it.

Many couples require the assistance of an experienced marriage counselor to work through these phases together, especially those who have experienced significant betrayals of trust, such as an affair, or who have felt abandoned by their partner in a time of great need.

Forgiving Your Spouse Has Benefits

According to Dr. John Gottman, a world-renowned authority on relationships and the creator of "The Gottman Method," an evidence-based approach to couples counseling, negative emotion requires a lot of energy to hold and damages both individuals and relationships. Couples don't have to be ruled by unresolved resentments since forgiving someone truly needs bravery and guts. Gottman thinks that forgiveness allows couples to have the future they deserve.

In reality, forgiveness is the compassionate process of regaining our power and restoring our lives so we can genuinely live. It is not forgetting, avoiding responsibility, or approving of a terrible act.