How I Survived The Loss of My Father

One of the hardest heartbreaks I've ever had to deal with was the loss of a parent.

When my father passed, I had just turned fourteen. Our last conversation between us was a month prier when he called me for my birthday. Sometimes I can't help but wonder how his death would have made me feel if my mom never convinced him to make that call.. even now, almost nine years later.

The year my father passed was a tough one. My father definitely made some not so smart decisions that, at the time, he never realized would one day harm the only little girl he's ever had. Months leading to the day in question, my parents were in the middle of a separation so I never even got to see him one last time for seven months. My mom used to tell me it was probably for the best..

"Maybe God was just trying to make all this easier on you by making sure he wasn't around when he passed away."

It still didn't change anything. His death was still the worst possible experience I've ever had to endure. I wasn't even in high school yet. All those years of him telling me just how excited he would be to watch me go into high school only for him to not be alive long enough to watch me go start my own high school journey.

No matter what you do to prevent it, the death of a parent will ache like hell.

Not Everyone will Understand.

And that's okay.

Here's the thing I've learned watching how adults handled their parents passing away after losing my dad at a young age; It's different.

Yes, it's the same amount of pain. Both hurt just as much. But it's still.. different. What makes it difference is mainly the memories you can sit back and relive depending on how long you've had their parent before that person passed. When you lost a parent as an adult, you still had years spent to bond with that person. The parent got to watch them grow up.. they got to watch them make something of themselves.

I don't know.. maybe it has everything to do with the fact that I lost my father at just fourteen. Maybe this thought process of mine is due to jealousy towards those who had a chance to live a life with their parent. My father never got to see me make much of my life. I never got a chance to see my dad react to watching his little girl grow up. I never got to see my dad react to my first day of high school.. first crushes.. dates. I'll never even get the chance to be walked down the aisle at my wedding with my father standing right by my side.

The Five Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief are; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Denial

Boy, was this such a fun stage to go through [insert sarcasm here].

When my father passed, the denial stage lasted for maybe about a couple weeks to a month, on and off. For the first two weeks, I kept convincing myself that it wasn't true. I kept undoing the moment in my head where my mom sat me down to tell me the news she received from my grandmother hours prior. I kept telling myself that there was absolutely no way my father would do such a thing to me - as if he had a choice in the matter. I refused to face the facts. Whenever someone would even mention my father's passing, I'd just shut them out.

The only thing that pulled me out of this funk was his funeral. I don't know. Something about seeing his ashes.. the tombstone.. it made me realize that it was all true. He was gone. I'll never get a chance to hug him again. I'll never get to hear his laugh again.

All of a sudden all the feelings I've been able to suppress before came bubbling up to the top and I couldn't push them back down anymore.

Anger

This was probably one of the longest stage I've had to overcome. Once I got angry, I became pissed. I was pissed off at everyone; myself, my family, and most importantly, my father. I couldn't believe he would do such a thing to me. I just wanted to scream at the top of my lungs every single day.

Nobody was safe from my wrath during this stage.

I started off by being pissed at my mother. Although this was the shortest wrath of this stage, it was still an important one. I was upset that she moved us away. Although I knew it wasn't her own decision to make, I blamed her for never letting me see my father in the last seven months of his life.

Next up, I was pissed off at my dad's family. A part of me just felt them responsible for his actions. They sat back and just watched as he caused harm to his family. Most of my wrath was held towards my grandmother for quite some time; she just sat back and just watched as her own son would put harm towards his own family. I even used to think that she actually helped him cause that harm as well.

Eventually, I had to realize the true reasonings behind my anger for these people weren't actually up to them in the first place. They didn't deserve the anger I had held in for so long. All of my rage deserved to go towards the one and only source of all my pain. He was the only one who did it. He chose to do what he did. Nobody put a gun to his head. Nobody forced him to do it. He did it. Himself.

I suffered through this stage on and off for about a year before moving on to the next stage. Although, just because I moved on to the next didn't mean I was completely done with my anger stage.

Bargaining

This was definitely the stage I most regret looking back. I still don't know whether the actions I did during this stage had anything to do with the five stages of grief or the fact that my depression had began to get a lot worse, but this had to be the hardest stage for me to overcome.

For lots of people, the bargaining stage typically goes in ways where they beg for the person back. They start offering away things in order to get back; for example, someone might offer to give up drinking just for the chance to see the person they lost one last time.

For me, the bargaining stage went a whole different route. I started to offer myself for the chance to see my father one more time. I would do everything in my power to see him once again, and I never really thought about who I'd be leaving behind in the process.

I just wanted to stop the hurting.

I just wanted the pain to end.

Depression

Both my depression and bargaining stages buddied up as I fought my way through the five stages. Not to mention it didn't help that I had also been fighting through depression in general as well as through the five stages of grief. To this day, almost ten years later, I still suffer from this stage the most out of all stages. It especially hits the hardest during the month he passed or when I see reminders of his (photographs, his creations, people talking about him, etc).

The absolute worse parts to this stage of grief were his death anniversaries. I don't ever know if I'll ever find my way out of this stage, but at least I learned ways to cope with living in this stage.

Acceptance

Ahh. Probably the hardest stage for anyone to get through. It took me quite some time to finally reach this last stage. I finally hit my acceptance stage around my father's sixth death anniversary; the first death anniversary of his where I was able to actually get through the day without laying in bed and just bawling my eyes out for the entirety of the day.

Once you get through the five stages of grief, you can finally start accepting that they are gone. Hence, the acceptance stage. The moment when you can finally find the nerve to accept that they are gone will be the day you finally wake up. Whether it's months or years since they passed away, it will feel just the same. You'll soon accept the fact that you won't be able to hear their voice.. see their smile.. or hold them in a long embrace of a hug.

The main thing that helped me get through these long, painful stages was the knowing that, even if I pushed everyone away in the time being, I always had someone around to pull me out when I needed help. For me, it was a combination of my close friends and my mother.

So if you are going through this hard time, just remember:

We can't get through this dark time by ourselves. We need someone close to us to always be there to pull us up when we feel like going under.

Don't forget that.