How Did We Get Here

I can never write on demand. I usually get hit with it like a literal ton of bricks and I have to let it flow at some point, otherwise it lingers on every cell in my brain. This one hit me like a mack truck, because even when you think you know your triggers, there is always one that is constant, and yet oh so silent.

Recently, my husband had to go out of town for a few days. I was crippled with anxiety. We hadn't been away from eachother since 2019. It's amusing to think that because of what we went through, we'd never be apart from eachother, for any reason, ever again. Well, the inevitability of reality sure as shit knocked me off my feet.

We talked through it all, MULTIPLE times. I cried hysterically one minute, and told myself it would all be fine the next. I had flash blacks of the wood tile ceiling in our old bedroom because I laid there a lot by myself and stared at it through tearful eyes those few years ago. I had every terrible scenario that could happen while he was gone almost believeable before he even left. I needed continuoulsy reassured that he would not disrupt our life in any way again, and that I wouldn't have to bear the silence of a lonely night longer than this anticipated trip.

We have a means to always be connected now thanks to technology. We do it for peace of mind in general, but moreso because I need it more than he ever would. I never came to terms with this specific trigger of my healing process until I got home from work first, the one day before he had to leave, and realized that instead of being 100% present with my girls, I was obsessing over what road he was on as he drove home. There is a heaviness that consumes my entire soul when he is not home. My wonder and worry are par for the course, yes, but they are also unhealthy and intense. The sight of his truck turning down our street as it heads towards our home is a weight that lifts off my shoulders every. single. time. he comes home. This is every day. This is a trip to get milk at the grocery store. This is a trip to the gas station to get gas in my car because I ASKED him to. A need of mine could be the literal reason he is leaving, and yet I am still uncomfortable. Trauma is so real, my friends.

It's incredible how stressed you can be about a situation, and then when you make it through it, it's like, "glad thats over." It's the moment that you crave at the beginning of an unwanted scenario and then before you know it, you've overcome it.

I don't know what is more liberating... the fact that you are so aware of your triggers and you can work through them, or the fact that things really are as good as they seem and nothing could fuck it up as badly as is once was. Seperation anxiety is a real thing, whether it be an infant clinging to his/her mother, or a wife holding on to every piece of her husband every time he leaves the house. I am learning that with any sort of trauma, the obstacles to facing it all rarely happen consecutively.

For the loved one of someone who is battling or has battled any sort of addicition or bad habit, please know that I get it. I am here for those who feel that crippling anxiety about someone that you love so much and you always wanting them to just do the next right thing.

For the loved ones continued: Remember that you cannot control any decision that is made with or without your presence. It is so easy to get wrapped up in all of that shit and you lose sight of yourself. Don't. There is that saying, "don't let them see you hurting, don't let them see you cry." For me, it's the opposite. I think to myself, "don't let them see you doing good because it might open that door for more heartache." It's like we find comfort in a constant state of worry. We stay stagnant in the sadness... because we couldn't bear to feel the hurt we endured ever again... not like that, anyway.

Some people may read this and think, "why in the hell is she living this way?" Others will read this and will feel completely aligned with what I am proclaiming. I think that's my point, you know? That even if I only help one person, it's one less going alone. Keep in mind, that we have the ability to worry about every single thing, but at the end of the day, we had nothing to really worry about.

The beauty in our love story is that we continue to overcome the trickling effects of the trauma we endured almost 3.5 years ago. We have both become more resilent to it, and we have become stronger people individually and as a couple. Life is not about the cards your dealt, it's about how you play them. You'll win one day, and feel like you totally lost the day after that. It's amazing to be vulnerable to the shit that makes you feel crazy, but then to also have such a handle on it that you can get ahead of it.

My husband told me that when he was away from us in 2019, the hardest time in his life thus far was just not knowing where we were, or what we were doing. Him wondering about his baby girl, and how he ended up being so distant from her. He craved every part of her being. There wasn't anything more he could have said to help me understand his pain. It was in that moment that I realized he is in this for us now, and that truly will never change. C was his driving force to choose his family over the life he had been living. I think we both thank God every day for that.

The picture chosen for this post is so heart warming, because we are at a park where him and C met a lot when we were still working through it all. Now, we go there as a whole family and the joy it brings is mutually felt in our souls without a word of it leaving our lips.

Another joy I feel is when C asks, “where is daddy?” or “when will he be home?” and I can confidently tell her all the right things. I can reassure her that Daddy will be home soon, and that I know where he is. Apart of me wonders if her 4 month old heart felt the distance from her father back then, because she surely feels it now even when he is in a different room than her. As a mother, there is nothing more important than seeing the relationship between her husband and children grow. C and G will always need their Daddy… I know this for sure. He is the fun one, and I’m not sure anyone in this world could warm their hearts like he can, not even me.

There is hope for a better tomorrow.

"Let go and give it to God."