The Empty Chair

There is a saying that goes something like, "You find out who your friends are." Often times, our first friendships are formed within our immediate family and what I have come to find is that when the going gets tough, the family bond can weaken. I believe that statement is generalized for anyone whose loved one was always expected to show up, but then chose not to. It's not just about friends, it could be your cousin, your Aunt, even your brother.

I will never forget the first time I was in public with my husband after our fall out. Negative and self questioning thoughts ran through my head as I sat at a restaurant table holding his hand, all while wondering what everyone else would think. It's so unfortunate how many times we base our decisions off of what others may think. We absolutely navigate our own thoughts and opinions so as to not only refrain from offending others, but to even go as far as to suddenly agree with them. It's not uncommon to feel so strongly about something, and then instantly succumb to the exact opposite belief all because the acceptance by another person supersedes our ability to just own our shit. My heart raced at the opening of that restaurant door, as I never knew who might be coming in and who might be judging me for sitting at a dinner table with my husband. The irony in that statment... as if I had no business holding my HUSBANDS hand, talking over a nice meal, and trying our damdest to piece ourselves back together. The funniest part about all of this is, I couldn't tell you what one person was wearing in that room with us, or even describe what any of them looked like. I can only tell you about the intrusive thoughts that I cultivated in my head as to why us being there together was possibly inconveniencing someone else.

As time passed, I felt the need to explain myself to everyone. I felt like it was necessary text family members about my decision to stay connected to my husband in marriage, just so no one would be surpised at Christmas dinner. I felt the need to defend my marriage and the relationship between my daughter and him to many people. I felt like I had to be the voice of reason as to why it was important to me to honor my damn wedding vowls, all because I was worried about what everyone would say. Most recieved my news well, and others needed time to process but have since become some of my biggest supporters. Only a few have actually disagreed with my decision to the point where their single mindedness has become so overwhelming for me on a day-to-day basis.

There is one thing I know to be true from my own experiances and that is this:

To some- it does not matter how hard you try. It does not matter how well you are doing. It does not matter how many times you win your war. It does not matter how much you grow. The ONLY thing that matters to some people is thier ability to hold on to a grudge based on past influences that no longer even seem feasible to believe in once you have recovered from something that almost buried you. It doesn't matter how great of a spouse you are now, and it will not matter how happy the children are to have you around. For some, all of these wonderful things will fall on deaf ears to those who simply do not want to hear it.

After the passing of my sweet brother, Tyler, I felt as if my family was invincible to any more loss. I felt as if we were perpetually saved from any more hardship or toxicity. I thought that since we lost Tyler, we just couldn't bear to lose anyone or anything else. I was naive... so unfortuanely naive.

I consider myself to be a strong wife, and a mother who will literally move moutains in order for her children to prosper and grow in an enviornment that is overwhelmingly filled with love, unity, and forgiveness. I truly honor my parents more than anyone in this world and that is because God himself knew that I needed them to be my protectors. I'd do anything for my friends. I love all of my people hard, as long as I am allowed to do so.

With that said- my decisions to stay and fight for a new life with my husband, and the father to my children, simply has no business being on the lips of another person. C and I beared almost the entire first year of her life without her father. His circumstances left us with an empty home, and for me, an empty heart. When your loved one is hurting, you don't turn your cheek. When your loved one is screaming for help, they should not be silenced by your ignorance. When your loved one is suffering from a situation, it is not for you to compare where they were with how far they have come. It is not your business to remind any person about the demons from their past when they have made such an intentional point to heal, grow, and become better. Do not hold on to hardships that you did not face, but simply just have opinions of. Do not continuously remind someone that a problem they faced some time ago is not longer real.

Do not disrupt the peace and healing process for someone that you love. Do not.

I share this candy coated outlook because someone, somewhere, needs to hear it. It could be for the person who is on the outs, like myself, for choosing all the right things for her family. Maybe it's for the person who can't think beyond life as they knew it, verses what life actually is. This is for the person who needs to expand their mindset in to understanding that bad shit fucking happens to really good people, and nobody is perfect.

This is for the sister who feels like an only child despite having two brothers. This is for the momma who is overjoyed to mark on her childs preschool registration form that the child resides at home with 'both parents' because she knows the depths of hell it took to get there. This is for the person who did not give up, despite what others thought. This is for my husband, who beat the odds that everyone placed against him. This is for the old opinions, the new opinions, and the truth.

This is for everyone in the world, may you always know that there is no greater standard than the one you hold for yourself. There is no greater accomplishment than the one that everyone said you could not make happen. There is no greater way to fight back than to simply be who you are, without shame. Stand at the highest point of the crowd and find the one thing that differentites you from everyone else, and then recognize that no one can take any of that good stuff away from you.

Do not let anyone steal your joy, especially when there is so much to celebrate.