Help me with My Mom!

Where to begin...and where will it end. It's the anxiety of life and for me right now with so many paths left unanswered I'm especially lost. I want my mom to help me get through this hard time but she's actually one of the paths left unanswered as we aren't on speaking terms right now. I have pretty much always had a tense relationship with my mom as long as I can remember and now that I've gone through a divorce myself I understand more where it comes from. It's tough to go through let's just say I don't want to get into all of it because well there's a lot...but it's hard to go through and it affects relationships especially with children. And I think it's actually easy to see in life because it creates pain which leads to acting differently then we might have had we not been hurt. I think it makes sense the different lives people end up living and so much makes sense when you hear their childhood. We all know how important those years are but don't realize how much it affects our entire lives.

My mom and I were best friends while I was married and had babies and spent most of our time together. My husband was always working and she was company I could trust and enjoy that thought similar to me in the way we handled the babies. We would go to lunch and sit for hours and how I long for those days. When I got a divorce a lot of my pain and anger pushed people away or created situations in which I would act in ways because I was hurt and didn't know how to react. I was going through something so painful that I would sometimes not realize the hurt I was inflicting on others who maybe tried then to help.

I have since gone through a lot of counseling to help me deal with my childhood pain and also the hurt from my divorce, basically how to deal with pain in general which I had always struggled with. I took anger management classes and went to individual counseling for over 6 months and it really helped me change my way of thinking which is the only way to really change I think. I meditate now and it's really changed my life. Before I would have gone ballistic over things panicked for hours and lost an entire day worrying, but now I breath through things and might cry for a little while but I try not to let it takeover my life anymore.

I want to know my mom while we are on this earth and I miss her everyday and the happy relationship we once had. I don't know how to get it back when she ignores all of my olive branches and texts and emails. I feel as though time is moving too fast and I worry the healing and time will never come. I want to hug my mom and laugh with her and share my life, share her life, share this life and the time she is taking to ignore me could be time we are healing and together and I worry it might never happen. What if I just never have a mom again. How can it be that the person that gave birth to me and raised me and was there with me through my whole life, how can you just stop being there by choice. I know it is hard to be a parent but I would never stop being there for my kids.

What do I do when I am rejected constantly by one of the people on this earth that is supposed to unconditionally love me? How do I move forward when there's a person on this earth that I should be enjoying these days with but they don't take the time to acknowledge me, when do I give up?

I feel lost. I want to have my mom in my life again, everything goes so fast. How to I repair a relationship with someone who doesn't see learning and growth and express love and regret. How should I move on knowing my mom is on this world but doesn't want me in her life? Any advice would be appreciated. Or someone who's experienced something like this maybe might know what to do.

Thank you,