Healing and Growth

I truly believe this is the last day that I’ve decided to finally stop caring about people and their opinions. I get it, this was a turbulent year for a lot of people. Predictably so and I was one of them. I screamed, I cried, and I laughed all at the same time. It became weirdly painful and I did not know how to express it since everyone else had their own issues. I smoked because of the family I had. I smoked because I found myself caring way too much for strangers and this was the year that I needed to be broken down. No one would believe me if I said I cried about my family for five years straight after graduation. I thought if I kept the family abreast on the timeline I witnessed throughout life itself, we would be okay, but I guess not.

My pain is something that I have no desire of making anyone feel sorry for the woman that I am, the woman that I am still becoming. I was so worried about what people thought about me that I did turn into a treasure troll under the bridge hence why I started looking like it. It was a tug at my spirit because I knew for a fact we were on death’s timeline and I did not want to see anyone dying around me because it bothers me. Forgive me for being selfish , but I am going to look forward to moving forward in my very own life and creating something that is very sustainable for me. Looking back at the mistakes I made on my own due to my emotions, I just knew that this was a major set up trap for me with what I had an idea about all along. The fact alone that the race and class war that is coming our way will affect all of us throughout the generations to come. I really had to swallow a pill and witness it happening right before my very eyes. This coronavirus stuff has revealed a lot to me and yes I do feel some type of way about the class and race war coming and I also understand it was not about me the entire time and somehow I felt stressed out because I knew I didn’t pay my taxes while working. It felt familiarly painful with what I witnessed going on.

But eventually I had to get put back together by my family in the nicest way possible and I appreciate them for the unconditional love that they are giving to me right now. There were rough patches that we all have endured while attempting to “love me through it.” I mean I put myself through unnecessary pain for five years with my mom and my step dad and it really bothered the hell out of me. It felt as if I was in a toss up because I was taking care of them for years and I felt like, at the time, they needed my protection. Attempting to keep everyone stable and alive, I knew what I was feeling. Deep within myself, I became unmotivated with life itself and there’s no room for that to blame anyone. I started to hate myself even more with all the money decisions I’ve made. I eventually grew emotionally tired with all of the foolishness I had witnessed and, quite frankly, I did not want to do anything with it anymore. With the type of mother I have, I knew she needed me and I needed her in order to grow, but that was not the case. I figured I would take care of her husband too and get paid for it. That whole entire debacle was just too much for one young person, and I suffered on my own because of it. As an intelligent young black woman, I felt so conflicted and confronted. With feeling conflicted, I felt the need to protect everyone while neglecting my greatness. I wanted to “hide,smoke, and blame.” But I knew I couldn’t do that. So yes, I ran to my big black dad who does not play with anyone.