Have In-Law Issues?

The most typical complaint DILs have of their MILs is that they are overbearing, pushy, and disrespectful of boundaries. Other reasons for unpleasant relations between parents-in-law and a daughter-in-law (or son-in-law, for that matter) include:

Pressure to have children — the number-one source of tension between a woman and her in-laws.

Older relatives trying to maintain their authoritative role in a household.

A know-it-all and/or take-charge MIL.

A parent’s belief that no one is good enough for their son or daughter.

Conflicting ideas over how to raise children.

Personality clashes.

Money lending.

Pressure to conform to religious or cultural norms.

A parent trying to drive a wedge into a marital relationship.

Regardless of what’s causing the friction, DILs report long-term stress as a consequence. Couples, particularly the DIL, start to dread family gatherings for the distress and exchanges they can invite. A baneful MIL/DIL situation can escalate quickly, becoming toxic if the bull isn’t taken by the horns adequately and quickly. So, what’s a couple to do?

Becoming a United Front

No matter what the agreed-on strategy, your spouse needs to take responsibility for the situation, dealing directly with your in-laws about their behavior, and stepping in as the main point of contact. After all, these are his parents, and he needs to be the messenger in discussing issues and problems with them. (Likewise, you would be the main point of contact if your husband had a problem with your parents.)

When a spouse has a problem with a parent-in-law, it is the couple’s problem, too. There is no dealing with the situation solo. Whether or not they agree on all aspects of the situation, couples need to become a united front. This begins by having effective conversations about difficult, sensitive issues.

Talk to your spouse. (I have tried talking to my husband about it and he didn't even try and see my POV, plus wants to add on on well that's still my family and you only have one of them. But also, if your spouse tells you a lot of reasons on why they don't like your family might want to actually listen.)

If you’re the one feeling under attack, then you need to make your partner aware of what’s going on. He (or she) may be completely clueless about the situation or how it’s making you feel. Therefore, the first step to getting on top of the issue is to provide your spouse with an understanding of the problem(s). Focus on your feelings, owning them with “I” statements (“I feel hurt when your mother…”). While tough, try to avoid being critical of your in-laws — criticism is likely to evoke a protective response instead of empathy. This is your spouse’s mother; somebody they love and think of fondly. You’re trying to get his or her support, so approach as you would want to be approached if they had a problem with your parents.

Consider the situation from each family’s perspective.

While every family functions with a certain degree of dysfunction, what a person grows up with tends to be regarded as “normal" — hence, assumingly universal for other families. Yet, according to Apter, when a spouse tries to explain this “normalcy” in saying things like, “That’s just the way she is,” or “She doesn’t mean anything by that,” then the person is really saying, “There is nothing wrong with my family. Don’t criticize.” This indicates that the spouse doesn’t see a problem or is trying to say that the problem is you. Ultimately, it’s a denial of your views on the matter, including their legitimacy.

Identify the changes you want to see made.

Regardless of whether or not your spouse recognizes an issue, if you have a problem with your in-laws, then it’s a problem that needs to be dealt with and likely a situation that needs to be changed. Be specific and clear about your issues, and how you would like things resolved — what you would like your husband to do about them. Don’t assume that you’re on the same page when it comes to a strategy for handling the situation. Your spouse may not agree that there’s a problem, or he may want to manage things differently. You may need to negotiate how your in-laws will be a part of your lives, and how they will be put in their place.

Agree on the boundaries that you’ll establish.

Healthy boundaries need to be a part of your talks on strategy and what’s communicated to your in-laws. Discuss your need for boundaries and come to an agreement on what those boundaries are regarding your in-laws. Brainstorm solutions, explicitly explaining how you’d like the matter handled. Have clearly defined limits and rules of engagement as far as what you’ll expect and accept. Then have your spouse convey those to his or her parents. In staying empowered at any point of the process, remember that, consciously or not, you set boundaries in all of your relationships. These keep you sane and friendlier.

Make your spouse the lead contact.

No matter what the agreed-on strategy, your spouse needs to take responsibility for the situation, dealing directly with your in-laws about their behavior, and stepping in as the main point of contact. After all, these are his parents, and he needs to be the messenger in discussing issues and problems with them. (Likewise, you would be the main point of contact if your husband had a problem with your parents.)

No matter what, establish boundaries early. (This is why I no longer talk to my husband about family issues anymore, because he wants to choose his family over his own wife, it's like not choosing to stand by your spouse's decision on something and choosing someone else completely.)

A lot of couples will not draw their boundaries until they have to. You can avoid a great deal of heartache, disappointment, and distress by letting your limits be known early on.