Growing from Grief

It’s been four years today since that horrible morning and I’m okay. She was right. When I was falling apart, John's sister took me in her arms and looked me straight in the eye. She told me: “You are Sarah and you’re okay.”

This became my motto for over a year. Every time I felt like I was going to lose it or have a panic attack (even in the middle of panic attacks), I would chant this to myself until it was true.

I became a widow four years ago today. I was twenty five and he was twenty three. I woke up at four in the morning to him convulsing next to me. Luckily, I was living with my parents at the time, so I wasn’t alone. When he stopped convulsing and remained still, I turned on the light and saw that his face was turning blue. I skidded into my parents room to wake them.

From there, we took turns doing CPR and throwing the phone around the room with the 911 dispatcher on the line. It was the worst morning of my life because everything was going to change.

It left me with PTSD and I still get triggered by CPR and seizures. It also left me with a huge hole that I didn’t know how to fill. John was my life. He was my everything, even though our relationship wasn’t the healthiest. My life was so intertwined with his that I didn’t know who I was.

I didn’t have my own friends. I didn’t have my own hobbies. I didn’t have my own personality. I was John’s wife and that’s it. I followed him around like a lost puppy l and I had to figure out who I was without him.

I’ve struggled a lot with identity issues, and I’m nowhere near done growing into myself, but I’m getting closer. I feel a lot safer in my own skin.

One thing I’ve come to realize is that John and I were not good together. We were best friends and that’s where it should’ve stayed. I just wish that we had the time to come to that conclusion.

I’m beyond grateful to have found love after loss because not a lot of people are this lucky. Aj saved my life. Literally, not figuratively. I wouldn’t be here if he hadn’t showed up at John’s celebration of life.

Our relationship grew fast but that was because he was around twenty-four-seven. He was the first to show up at the celebration and the last to leave, staying close and offering me outs when I needed them.

From there, I knew I needed friends of my own. Most of my friends were more of John’s friends; he was the charismatic one, the one people really wanted to hang out with. I was the little sister who wanted to tag along.

So, I reached out to Aj. He came over to watch a movie and I finally felt like a hint of myself was coming through. I laughed for the first time. I smiled for the first time. I was developing a sense of self.

He was there through those happy times, as well as the points where I wanted to kill myself. I never told anyone, but he knew. He could feel it. He would come over unannounced on these days and sleep over without permission, just to make sure I didn’t hurt myself.

When our friendship turned into more than, I was distraught. I felt like I was cheating. I felt like a whore. But then I realized the John is dead and life is short. If it ends up being a rebound, maybe I needed it.

We’re engaged and going to be getting married in January of 2023.

All of that being said, this day still sucks and I’m currently cuddled up in a blanket with tears streaking down my face because I miss my best friend. We weren’t great together romantically, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him.

He was my best friend for a decade and, like I said, I wish we had the time to figure that out. I wish he could’ve experienced love with someone else and found his true soulmate because I wasn’t it.