Grief and the Holidays

The holidays are approaching again. For those of us grieving a loss, the holidays can be confusing and full of roller coaster emotions. Grief is always evolving and at times the feelings can seem to be out of our control. There is no pause button in grief and it is challenging to be in pain while there is so much joy all around you. You may even feel mad at the rest of the world for being joyful and celebrating. I like to remind myself that this too shall pass, and healing is messy.

There are things you can do to help deal with the challenges you may be experiencing. If you or someone you know are grieving during the holiday season, here are some helpful tips to help get through this potentially painful period of time.

Coping with grief during the holidays

Set realistic expectations for yourself. Remind yourself that this year is different. Decide if you can still handle past responsibilities and expectations. It is ok to say “no”. Don’t feel guilty. Be kind to yourself.

Set Boundaries

You can participate and not participate in whatever feels right for you. While there may be pressure to attend a holiday party, family gathering, holiday show etc, remember to check in with your wants and needs to assess your readiness.

It may be helpful to commit to something that sounds fun while reminding yourself that you don’t have to stay the entire time. It is also okay to opt-out of certain things altogether. Finding a balance between engaging and not pushing yourself is important.

Tune Into Your Emotions

Sometimes, holiday grief may make an appearance after a dormant period. It’s very common for grief to be magnified during holidays, anniversaries and birthdays. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings and not avoid them.

You may experience both negative and positive feelings during the holidays while grieving and that is OK. Be kind to yourself and remember that all feelings can coexist. For example, I can miss that person and enjoy the holiday at the same time.

It may be tempting to numb out with drugs or alcohol during the holidays. Treat your body kindly and do everything in moderation. Anticipating the difficult emotions and preparing ahead of time will help prevent negative consequences from occurring.

Plan Ahead to Fill Empty Holiday Roles

Loss often means that certain roles will need to be filled. It is important to think ahead (especially with children) to consider who will fill those vacated roles (e.g., Grandpa always dressed as Santa, Aunt Betty always cut the turkey, Uncle Rob was always drunk lol. ) Which reminds me, it’s ok to laugh and remember those times when a memory creeps in. Planning ahead can avoid unnecessary moments of grief and can help make the experiences more fluid and enjoyable.

Honor Old Traditions & Honor Memories

It can be helpful to continue with old traditions that existed in order to honor and celebrate the individuals who are no longer here. This is a helpful way to keep their memory present.

Create New Traditions

Creating new traditions can be healing for individuals who are grieving. Making new memories does not erase or replace old memories. Your loved one would want you to enjoy the holidays. You can also create a new tradition which you include and honor the one who has passed (example - setting a place at the table for them.) Acknowledge, validate and then challenge any feelings of guilt that may arise in the process.

Identify Grief Coping Skills

Prior to the holiday season beginning, consider creating a list of go-to coping skills to use whether you are at home or at a social function. It will be handy when the grief hits you unexpectedly. Some examples of coping skills are deep breathing, meditating, drawing or coloring, taking a walk, journaling, listening to music, practicing yoga, and saying positive (realistic, not toxic- positive) affirmations.

Volunteer/Do Something Charitable

Helping others helps alleviate your sadness while bringing joy into someone else’s life who needs it. This is always a good idea. Volunteer at a soup kitchen, assisted living/nursing home or your local animal shelter..helping others will help you. Pay it forward whenever you can, and even when you think you can’t, do it anyway. Helping others will help you, I promise.

Ask For Help When Struggling with Grief

It is important to seek support from friends, family, coworkers and professionals if needed. Whether you have lost someone close to you or not, the holidays can bring up many complicated feelings. It’s completely normal and can be helpful to seek services from a professional.

In Conclusion

The holiday season is not always as merry as we want it to be. It is normal to feel apprehensive about it and you are not alone in feeling that way. Please remember that there is no right or wrong way to approach the holiday season following the loss of a loved one. If you experience happiness, allow it to enter into your grief space and be present with the people around you. Try to take it one holiday event and one feeling at a time. And if nothing helps and you still want to skip the holidays this year, just remember - this too, shall pass, and you are not alone.