Golden Slumbers

“Tacy, can you sing us some songs?”

I smiled as I looked down at my little brother. He wore his cutest blue and yellow striped onesie and had a sleepy grin on his face.

“Sure cutie, go lay down and get comfy. I’m coming.” I had some dishes to finish cleaning but I could tell my brothers were really tired. I didn’t want them falling asleep waiting for me.

I rinsed one more dish and placed it in the dishwasher before removing my gloves.

I grabbed my water bottle on the counter and headed out the kitchen toward their room. I could hear them bickering with each other and shook my head.

Always over the same blanket.

“Ok, ok,” I said as I walked into the room. “Let’s be quiet please. We’re going to play Rock Paper Scissors and the winner gets the blanket.”

“Awwww!” Both cried out.

I rolled my eyes. “We do this every night guys, it should not be a surprise.”

Levi and David face each other and start playing rock paper scissors. I watch very closely. A referee is always needed as one of them always cheats.

Three rounds later, David had won and Levi was pouting. It’s really hard not to laugh at them. Levi is so cute when he pouts and David is too smug. I know tomorrow the roles will likely be reversed.

Once they’ve settled down and they’re ready to start going to sleep, I sit on the lower bunk Levi sleeps on and start to sing.

I sing my old choir songs, I sing Disney classics, I sing ballads from the 1980s.

But the favorite for all of us is a short one; “Golden Slumbers” by The Beatles.

I hum the melody for a moment to warm my voice up, and then I start to sing the words.

“Once there was a way,

to get back homeward…”

Levi’s foot sticks out from under the sheets. I gently lift his heel and tuck the corners under it.

“Once there way a way,

to get back home…”

I hear David above start to settle. His breathing deepens and starts to turn into small, soft snores. I smile.

“Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby…”

Ironically, it’s at this point that I start feeling moisture pooling in my eyes. I reach my hand up to stroke David’s leg as a tear streaks down my face.

Another falls. And another.

I look down to see one plop onto the bed.

Levi is not completely asleep yet, but he’s in that lovely place in between. I know he can still hear me.

“Golden slumbers fill your eyes

Smiles await you when you rise

Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby”

I had a big smile on my face. I knew if anyone came in right now they’d think I was going crazy. And yes I was crying but I wasn’t grieving. I didn’t feel any loss. I didn’t feel any pain or heartache, like I was missing something.

I felt the opposite. My heart and chest were full. Something swelled so much inside me I felt as if I could burst.

It may be painfully cliche to say this, but looking back now, I know it was love. The most absolute, most all-encompassing definition of love.

I think a more intelligent and present part of me knew to appreciate how beautiful that moment was, how beautiful my brothers were.

In those few minutes, I felt the entirety of my love for them. I felt everything I would do for them, for their happiness. And I felt how empty I would have been now if they were not in my life. I saw how they irritated me and antagonized me to no end and how they drew out the silliness in me too. I cherished those emotions equally.

They were sleeping now, Levi and David. Snuggled under their covers, deep in their dreams.

I finished the song for myself.

“Once there was a way

To get back homeward

Once there was a way

To get back home

Sleep, pretty darling, do not cry

And I will sing a lullaby”

************

When I began thinking about the times in my life where I could claim to be my truest self, I was lost. I could not figure out how to measure what made one moment more authentic than others and I felt overwhelmed. All I kept seeing was flashes of my life. From the hardest, traumatic times, to ones I wish I could exist in forever. I combed through my innermost regrets. Encounters, places, years, I wished with all my heart for the ability to erase.

I was on a search for myself. I couldn’t leave a stone unturned.

I came to a non-answer first. It was a cop out and I did feel smart for a little while. I thought to myself, “well we’ve all been ourselves our entire lives. A hundred people in the same situation would all react differently. Even if the difference was slight. Our actions and reactions make us. And while we may not want to own up to all of them, we can’t change it. We have only ever been ourselves.”

This “conclusion”, however, did nothing to help me identify a sincere moment in my life. It actually gave me an excuse to completely avoid the question. I had my answer and I could bypass all the soul searching and reflection needed. Easy.

I didn’t realize at the time how evasive I was being. And lazy too. I was trying to go around, over, and under the mountain. Anything to avoid going through.

Because answering this question is hard. Answering this question is walking in complete darkness, trying to get to an unknown destination, and not being sure what direction to take that first step in. All on your own because that’s how it has to be. No one can be in that dark with you.

I thought about the times in my life where I felt something strongly. A powerful response to a moment or person or thing that stood out in my memory. In doing so, I kept coming back to the times I have spent with my brothers. Times like the nights where I sang them to sleep or fell asleep with them.

I believe feelings give us a clear glimpse into who we are at our core. Our emotions are neurological reactions to the world and events around us. They are physical and instinctual and unique to us.

This me, in the moment I described, is my true self. She wholly experienced every part of that moment. It was vivid, it was colorful, and it was bright. It is the self I aspire to.

I hope to live more of my life through that self. Not because it will be all happy, positive, or good. But because it will be undeniably real. Authentic, tangible, and true.

I hope to live life with a richness and brilliance only achieved by existing as my truest self.