Gentle Parent-led Weaning

My oldest child is seventeen and my second is nine. The prevailing wisdom on feeding babies changed more between the eight years between my kids then since.

Seventeen years ago, solids were started at four months. I dutifully spoon fed bland rice cereal, oatmeal, wheat then veggies order was important to reduce allergies. Meat was last. And we avoided peanut butter until two years because they believed it created allergies, the opposite is the prevailing advice.

Seventeen years ago we didn’t have Facebook. Yahoo groups was my go to social media. Parenting groups didn’t exist.

I didn’t know anyone who breastfed over six months and I went thirteen months. The pressure to wean mounted and I dutifully cut out one session every week.

Eight years later, my IUD in place, here comes baby. All recommendations on infant feeding changed. My second child’s first food was pork roast, he never ate rice cereal. I weaned him at four years with support from parenting groups on Facebook.

Weaning!!!

In the sense of parent-led breastfeeding weaning. Both my kids were parent led weaning, my oldest at thirteen months and my second at four years. On the surface weaning is easy, drop one feeding or pumping session replace with formula (if under 12 months) or a healthy snack or meal that covers the food groups. The process is drop one feed every 4–7 days, you can go longer between, going shorter puts you at risk for engorgement and mastitis.

Many parents enjoy allowing their children choose how long to nurse. Others need to wean for medical reasons or because they experience pressure to wean. There is NO SHAME in weaning for any reason. You may feel sadness or anger, especially if you are pressured to wean. Honor your emotions, many parents feel depressed. This may be because of hormonal changes or lifestyle changes.

If possible don’t allow others pressure you to wean or keep nursing. It is a decision for parent and child. But you may need to release pressure on yourself from others, and that is OKAY. Have a conversation with the other person, listen to their concerns, express your feelings and needs.

I was pressured into weaning by outside forces with both my kids and I have regrets about it. I am sad and frustrated that I was not respected or listened to on this front. Now days, I learned about non-violent communication and empowered conversations, I’d be able to discuss my breastfeeding journey and listen to concerns from others and address those concerns.

Replacing Breast Milk

What do we replace breastmilk with? Formula under 12 months, and all food groups after 12 months. You can find nutrition guides online about how much of each food group is needed. Breastmilk is not replaced 1:1 with milk, dairy or alternatives except formula. A common question is what should a parent do if the child won’t drink dairy milk. Seek alternate sources of calcium and vitamin D.

Which feed should I drop first? If your little one is under 12 months and you are going to formula, it doesn’t matter. Many find dropping the nursing and sleep are most difficult to end.

If your child is a toddler or preschooler, they likely aren’t breastfeeding as the bulk of their intake. If they rely on your milk for calories, work on increasing solid intake helps.

Here are the steps I found were the path of least resistance. Once you are ready to start with don’t offer, don’t refuse. If you are nursing at meal and snack, end those. Then stop nursing as a distraction, then nursing to sleep.

What about crying?

Yes, your child will express upset at the new boundaries. They are accustomed to soothing at the breast and learning new soothing techniques requires time. Expect and meet their emotions with empathy. Add extra time to cuddle and connect through play. Teach self-soothing skills through listening to guided meditations, practicing breathing, adding a transition object like a stuffed animal or blanket, singing the same song when they are upset.

Empathy is a practice and skill, you can practice even with babies when life is difficult. Acknowledge their feelings, let them know you are with them and upset is natural. Babies and toddlers won’t understand the words, but the soothing tone helps a lot during infant years. As kids mature, the combination makes a huge difference. Empathy is the basis of my gentle world.

Night weaning

The first place many parents slow down feeding either nursing or bottle is night, it’s also the trickiest because sleep is precious already with a toddler or infant.

Most parents wait until 12 months to night wean. Some experts suggest waiting until 18 months. Go with what feels right for your family. The younger the child the more a child may experience emotional distress than a toddler because of lack of readiness and language reception. Please have patience and empathy with the process. And time, take your time. This doesn’t happen overnight (no pun intended!), its weeks or even months long process.

The most common routine change is using Dr. Jay Gordon’s night weaning schedule. It’s a 10 day plan of resettling without nursing. Some consider it strict, but it doesn’t advocate for the end of the family bed. You can read more on Dr. Jay’s method here.

Ease them into the new routine. Often a good way to end nursing to sleep is to start by pairing it with another soothing technique, like a backrub or rocking. Gradually remove the breast and keep the rubbing. Next step is to rub until the child is sleepy but stop before they are asleep, but even as an adult a good backrub is soothing.

During the night, use the same soothing technique to help them sleep. Or if you have a supportive partner, they can intervene and soothe the child. Another person can set the boundary. Other children will only accept the nursing parent, especially during night hours.

If you are bedsharing, you can continue. I found it easier to bedshare and wean then not. But others find the opposite is true, a separate mattress on the floor or another room changes the routine. Again, choose what works for your family and child.

My night weaning experience took a year, in between we were sick several times, then we went on vacation. I remained flexible during the process. We oscillated between nursing and not nursing, but as with most developmental processes change isn’t linear, it’s a roller coaster, or a river- ever changing.

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