What is gentle parenting...

What is gentle parenting…

Connection, empathy, teaching

Gentle discipline, gentle parenting, positive discipline. There are many terms for non punitive parenting but there is no official definition or governing body. So there are a lot of gentle leaning experts, books, coaches I don't agree with and I apply ideas from different resources. So I wrote this article to explain what I mean when I say gentle parenting.

There are three major points I return to when coaching parents in gentle methods through the GPU facebook group: Connection, empathy, and teaching.

Connection is the base of gentle parenting, empathy is the heart, and teaching is the logic.

Connection

Connection is the trusting, loving relationship between people. That sounds easy, we love our children, but I have learned connection can be fragile. Remaining connected to another person — child, spouse, friend — requires time and energy.

Connection thrives in two conditions — physical and emotional closeness. Separations like daycare or school can break connection. Upon reunion, we must reconnect through play, laughter, touch, and genuine attention. On the emotional side coercive tactics such as shame, timeouts, and imposed, logical consequences (punishment) can create an emotional divide between parent and child. When we coerce, children feel unsafe and withdraw from the relationship.

While connection is the base, we need to use empathy and teaching to maintain our relationship besides time and attention.

Empathy

Empathy is the heart of gentle parenting. Empathy is connection in emotion at the heart. Empathy reaches and pulls someone closer, deepening our connection.

Brene Brown has possibly the most well-known and clearest definition and explanation of empathy. RSA has a little video they’ve animated from one of her talks about empathy that is great.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Teaching

The last component is teaching and problem solving. I wanted to call this section no coercion or no punishment but I called it teaching to continue the positive vibes.

But it is true we don't suggest imposing any consequences for any behavior. Punishment assumes not everyone is doing their best, and with the right motivation people can do better. Gentle parenting assumes everyone is doing their best and our children need help or understanding to do "better."

Some reasons someone may not be doing their best is fear of punishment, lack of connection, or feeling overwhelmed with emotion to name a few. For most children most behaviour comes down to needing connection and empathy. Most adults too, but years of learning survival behaviours make it harder for adults to respond positively to connection and empathy. Even in kids empathy and connection don't stop every meltdown.

Back to teaching and problem solving. The younger the child the more we must take on problem solving. Babies and younger toddlers are limited to crying as communication of their needs and we as caregivers learn to read their cries as needing food, a diaper change, or closeness to a caregiver.

Toddlers and preschoolers need to explore their world safely. As parents we lessen frustration by baby/toddler proofing for safety and creating a Yes! Space — a space our little ones can explore without us chasing them to say no and redirect them constantly.

Once children are verbal, we can explore problem solving with them. Ross Greene teaches a great empathic framework for problem solving called collaborative and proactive solutions. (CPS, originally called collaborative problem solving in Greene's book The Explosive Child.)

It starts where I started with empathy and connection, aka listening. "Hey, I noticed this going on. What's up?" And listening to the answer or asking questions to deepen understanding. Like empathy, remain listening for a sustained period. Use non-violent communication to dig into your child’s feelings and needs. People often rush through this step, be prepared to spend time here.

Once you have a deep understanding of the other person's feelings and needs, you can state your concerns. If we sustained empathy and heard the other party, they will be more inclined to listen. Empathy sets up connection which opens for teaching.

After you relay your concerns, open the floor to suggestions to how to solve the issue in a way that meets all concerns. Begin with good old fashioned brainstorming — all answers are written even if they aren’t feasible. After you have a good number of ideas from everyone, you can evaluate which suggestions will work best for ALL parties involved.

The more we use the three parts together the more trust we build with our children. They trust we will listen. They trust we will support their emotions. They trust we will hear their needs. They trust we will create solutions together. They trust we have them in our hearts instead of only our agenda.

With gentle parenting, with the three parts, connection, empathy, and teaching working together we create a relationship that will last a lifetime.

Want to be a better parent? Get my gentle parent's guide.