Friends to Lovers

Dear Nishh,

A friend of mine is 22, and I am 29. She and I have been the best of friends for a year and a half now. My question is I need to know what kind of signs should I be looking for to see if she is serious about me. because I'm looking for more of a romantic relationship than a friendship. I tried dating other women but I look for qualities in them that I find in her. We talked about giving it a try, but she is uncomfortable with our age gap. I know it's only seven years, how can I get her to look past this and try to find if we belong together. I really love this girl and think we should be a couple. She is the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thought before I go to bed. I am desperate.

- Vick

Dear Vick,

I feel that timing and chemistry both contribute a great deal to whether a relationship can develop or not. Either you both feel the chemistry or you don't. I can only go by what you wrote and to quote you - "She told me that she is uncomfortable with our age gap." Many times when someone isn't physically attracted to the other person or doesn't feel a romantic chemistry, they aren't honest about the reason. Rather than hurt someone's feelings, the person may say something like: It's not you. It's me; I don't know why; I don't want a serious relationship right now or I just need space or in this case I'm uncomfortable with our age difference. These kinds of vague excuses may lessen the painful impact, but they do a great deal of damage since they continue to give you hope that maybe she will change her mind.

She has told you that she just wants to be friends. It's so easy to feel close to someone who is revealing their innermost thoughts and really listening and responding to you. But you can't mistake loneliness, confusion or turmoil for love. If you are looking to provide someone with understanding, compassion and loyalty, this woman seems to be the perfect candidate. If, however, you are on a quest for love, then I suggest you move on and find someone who you do not have to convince that a romantic relationship with you is worth having.

I always ask someone in your position what advice you would give to your best friend if he comes to you asking for advice and he describes the woman you've written to me about. Most of the time we give terrific advice to friends because we really care about them. Unfortunately, many times we don't care enough about ourselves to give the same advice. A good question to ask yourself is, "What would I tell my best friend if he were in my situation?" No matter what, YOU deserve to have a woman who loves you with all her heart and soul and don't you dare settle for anything less than that.

Here is the question I always get asked that is impossible to answer. How can I make someone fall in love with me? The answer of course is, that you can't force someone to feel love when they only feel friendship. I'm going to assume that in the last year and a half you've made some attempts and you haven't received the reaction you wanted.

I am a great believer that if a relationship is "meant to be," then in time, it will happen. The problem for most people is to figure out what to do until that special person comes to the realization that you are the love of her life? You can't speed up the process for that person to realize that you're the best thing that ever happened to her. She may have to experience life without you for the next one to five or even ten years before that happens. In the meantime you have to continue growing, changing and becoming the best person you can be. Do it because you will gain personal fulfillment, not in order to get someone to fall in love with you.

I always find it amazing that many couples who adopt a child after several years of trying to get pregnant, wind up having a child of their own. Once they relax and put their energies and focus into other areas, they wind up getting what they originally wanted. I find it is exactly the same for men and women who finally stop waiting for that girlfriend or boyfriend to come to their "senses" and get on with their own lives. The right person comes along when they least expect it.

It seems that when you are actively involved in doing other things, the very thing you kept hoping for magically appears. Anyone ever waiting for a phone call knows that as soon as they take a shower or leave for just a moment, the phone rings. When you just sit and wait for that phone to ring it never does. So my advice is to get on with your life and assume that she will never see you in a romantic way. Whether she does or not is really outside of your control anyway. If she never does at least you haven't wasted your life waiting for what may never be. If she does, you haven't wasted your life waiting. Either way, you are much better off. You will have gained valuable life experiences during that time and that will make you a more attractive person.

- Nishh