Free to be me

Deep breath for me, this is still a thing, family members, who think that their way of life is the greatest and only way to be. At the age of nineteen, I was done with my great aunt pushing me, to be more like her, let me paint the picture for you...

My Grandad's sister, is probably in her early seventies now, but our paths have hardly crossed for over a decade because I got brave and I literally broke free from her.

Now that I am a little older and wiser, part of me does pity her. She lost her husband in her forties and has been alone ever since, she has no children of her own, just a handful of nieces, great-nieces and only one that she sees regularly (my mum).

My great aunt was in charge of every special occasion. Everyone's birthday (well the select six, being me, my parents, my grandparents and herself), Christmas, Easter and New Year, regardless to the occasion it was the same roast dinner, same ice cream dessert, every single time, without fail and without ever asking what any of us would like if it was our birthday, even if it was a special one, including my eighteenth, I was desperate for a drink, but, and I quote:

"That isn't a good way to spend your time now is it? What if you get too drunk? What if your drink gets spiked? What if someone takes advantage of you?"

It wasn't that the meals were bad, they were just bland and me and my dad started to find ways to get out of them, including faking illnesses, work, very sudden illnesses and anything that would mean we didn't have to go for our routine torture appointments every December, January, twice in April, May, August and November.

The aunt swore blind that she was glad that she never had any children, but she certainly saw a lot of me growing up. Not only special occasions, but days and weeks during school holidays and she was very old fashioned, she refused to have internet or any extra channels until the digital changeover forced her to have more than five. It was certainly difficult being a teenager in the noughties at her house without internet to keep in touch with friends, who were certainly having more fun than me.

My turning point was after my first and only year at university. I had hit a brick wall with university, not done enough to secure my place and worse, I had fallen in love (granted that didn't work out but that is another story, possibly freedom related also).

My parents had kicked me out, I was living with my grandparents and had lost my part time job. No one approved of my new boyfriend, but they weren't supposed to and I didn't care as I wasn't seeking approval anymore. I was ready to become, who I wanted to become, I was young but I knew that I wanted a family of my own, a family that would be loved, cherished and had their differences celebrated, not mocked or criticized.

The aunt didn't even approve of my celebrity crushes. She didn't understand why they all had, what she referred to as 'mad eyes' and I wasn't about to tell her what that meant either. I wasn't a user, but I always believed that everyone had a choice and choices after a childhood without any, was very important to me.

My grandad insisted that I saw her during my period of rebellion and disgrace. Part of me hoped for a kind word, advice, a conversation, a hot drink and some form of recognition or comfort...

None.

She left me in the living room, with the dog for about three hours, came back with some dinner, didn't say a single word to me, until she motioned for me to get back into the car to take me back to my grandparents. Finally she spoke.

"I can't believe you don't have anything to say for yourself!"

It took me roughly fifteen minutes to calmly explain to my grandmother, what had happened and how it was never going to happen again, because I was never going back to her house or going to have anything to do with her after the way she treated me that day and by doing so I meant no disrespect to them, but I had finally found my own self respect and it was time to make my own way in life.

The one thing about escaping that woman I will always remember my twentieth birthday, I actually went out with my boyfriend that she didn't approve of, drank pink fizz, she certainly wouldn't have allowed and met up with friends after that. I was free to spend my birthdays and special occasions my own way and I was free from her.

Alas, when my grandmother past in summer 2017, I didn't briefly return to the house and saw the aunt again for the wake. She did not utter one word to me the entire time that she was there and my mum was very on edge until I assured her that the love I felt for my grandmother and her memory meant that there would be no unpleasantness from me, especially while my grandfather was grieving the loss of his wife of fifty-five years or more.

My mum then asked if I would attempt to build bridges in memory of her mother with a letter. I did, because my mum was also struggling with grief at the time and clearly just wanted her whole family, to be there for her and united, unfortunately, the aunt was not for turning and I was ignored and still ignored to this day, age thirty, divorcee, with a child of my own, but at least she is free to celebrate special occasions her own way.