Forever With Me

I didn't know how to continue when I lost her.

The woman who gave me life was nearing the end of hers. The woman who would patch up my many scraped arms during my active youth could barely lift her own. The woman who read through my many school papers due within the next hour could no longer form a coherent sentence.

"I'm sorry, Ms. Crawley, but she's not going to make it through the night. Do you have any family or friends who would want to be with you as you say your goodbyes?"

I look up at the doctor with a blank stare.

"Uh, no. We both don't have siblings and my father left when she was pregnant with me. I don't even have his number. No friends either... She's always kinda been a hermit and worked at home for a telemarketing firm until she got sick."

"I see. Please take all the time you need, we've extended your nightly visitation privilege for the next few days."

The doctor looked at me with the same look of pity as every adult I've ever known when I tell them about my relationship with my mom. Throughout my life, she would incessantly remind me that despite the hardships we may encounter along the way, we are going to be okay so long as we're together.

I was all she had and she was all I ever needed.

It was nearing 3 in the morning when I felt myself dozing off and needed a taste of that deliciously inedible hospital coffee craved by the dozens. I look over at my mom whose been in the same vacant position for the last week with her eyes closed and mouth wide open.

I dabbed her lips with an ice chip before I descended into the hallway.

As I await my order on the definitely expired Mr. Coffee Machine, an unexplainable need to go back abruptly came over me.

"Shit!" I say aloud, "I forgot to tell her I love her!"

I'm sure she knew I did but I always had a habit of reminding her before I left her room. It was a silly tic of mine I developed around the time I had to cut college short to take care of her when the cancer spread. The way I reasoned it was nobody knows when the last time would be so I might as well tell her all the time!

I approached her room when that familial need that rushed me back to her caused me to cease immediately in my tracks before I took another step.

Two nurses with clipboards stood over my mom. They looked at me with that same empathetic look as the doctor and legions of others preceding them had as they sincerely apologize for my loss.

My blank stare returns as I nod my head and turn back around, walking past the nurses station to the parking lot outside I'd barely seen within the last week.

I lean against a concrete barrier wall facing directly in front of a flickering street light only a few feet away from me.

"Strange place for a light." My mother just died after a long, grueling battle and that was the first thought that pops into my mind: proper geographical placements for light sources.

My inner Vulcan remains as I stare at the improperly placed street light when a small, shadowy figure breaks my concentration as it soars into frame and lands on the end of the lamppost.

I jolt awake as I wipe my tired eyes and attempt to figure out what it is.

Two striking yellow eyes glared brightly back at me and it didn't take long until I realized it was an owl. An animal I have only exclusively learned about during high school science class and various children's books. I'm fairly certain the area where I resided didn't allow for them to exist productively here.

An honest to goodness owl decided to make an appearance for the first time ever in my life when I was at my most inconsolable.

I felt the tiny hairs begin to rise as I continued to stare at this perfectly shaped figure; why did it choose this specific night and this particular spot to join me?

"Mo..." I pause before the word releases from my lips because of how ridiculous it would be to say it... Or would it?

They say owls symbolize death bringing about a new beginning and my journey has now been divided into two parts: life before my mom's death and life after it.

I begin to finally feel the tears suddenly streaming down my face as I look at this infallible creature and through a barrage of slobber I manage to squeak out "... Mom?"

The owl refuses to break even the tiniest bit of concentration as it blinks once and lets out a roaring "whooo!"

It's at this moment when the whirlwind of emotions that have been building consistently throughout my time with her decided to release and I promptly burst into an unstoppable fit of laughter. I cackle while wiping away the various snot and tears that have embedded themselves onto my face.

When I finally ceased my lunacy, I looked up to see my owl friend and realized it was gone.

I'm sure it was a legitimate coincidence; this poor owl must have traversed the rough metropolitan terrains only to find itself perched atop a street light watching in awe as a strange human fell into a pit of temporary madness.

But it meant something much more to me. It was my mom reassuring me that although we may not be physically together, everything will be fine. I'm going to be okay.

I utilize my already drenched sweater to wipe my face as I head back into the building we called home and officially prepare to soar into the second part of my journey without her.

***

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