For My Mother

I used to think that after every heartbreak, my mom would judge me. She's been married to my dad for 32 years now, and their bond is one that I've always admired. I used to feel ashamed at the way I'd let the boys of this generation treat me, because I knew what respect was. I grew up on true love and respect. I witnessed it since I was a baby. I was raised on the principles of loyalty and being treated like a queen, something no one has ever offered me.

In the tenth grade I remember being played like a violin by the biggest player yet. I thought he wanted me for me, but he only wanted one thing, leaving me to almost make the biggest mistake of my life. One day he texted me sweet nothings that little old me fell for. In my head he was a changed boy who dropped every other girl to finally settle down with me, what a joke.

That same week I prayed and asked God for a clear sign, "God, if he's the one for me please please please let me know. If I get a sign by Friday I'll be okay. I just wanna know if he's still a player and if he is, I'll leave him alone."

Monday came and went—nothing. "Wow, knowing how many people would talk about him, this is a good sign so far!"

Tuesday—nothing again. "OMG! Friday will be here in no time and I still heard no rumors all day!"

Wednesday—nothing once again. "OMG, God! You the real MVP. I know he's changed, I just know it. I'm the one for him."

Thursday—nada. "YES YES YES! This is it! Tomorrow I'll be on my way home in smiles."

Friday, periods 1 through 8—nothing at all. "It is just an amazing day. I can finally not worry about being played, because he-"

Friday, period 9—sike. "Tiff! Did you hear that MJ asked Alicia out?"

Aaaaand, cue the sad love songs. I was so hurt. I even ended up going home and washing the dishes to clear my mind. When my mom saw me, she was able to read my facial expression. She then asked, "What's wrong?" I immediately broke down in front of her. I didn't think it would hurt that bad, but it did. It hurt to know that I didn't have something close to what my parents had.

In my junior year of college, I'd gone through serious depression. At one point I even considered taking a whole bunch of pills just to pass out and not feel anything. I didn't want to be conscious. I hated the fact that I'd lost my virginity to someone I knew for 6 years, his name was Prince—funny, because he was so far from royalty, and it showed in the way he treated me. For months I spent every day wanting to feel better. I tried to push through my school work and end the semester with A's, be the funny friend 24/7, and still, nothing worked. When I went home for Thanksgiving break, I burst into tears in my mom's car and told her the truth—I'd given the best parts of me to the worst person. It just happened.

Did I not learn anything after high school? Here I was ashamed once again, crying to my mom about another failed attempt at love, except this one got to walk away with a "score."

I thought that once I healed, the perfect guy would come along, and boy was I wrong. During 2018-2019 I was at a low point once more. The disturbing relationship that I was in at the time was no longer serving me, though if I paid attention in the beginning, I'd learn that it never truly did. This was the first individual I'd been with in three years, and he was my first seriously official relationship ever. I was so blinded by love that I'd overlooked so many red flags: narcissism, manipulation, abuse, and trauma. I realized how much he would blame me for things out of my control, how he'd always let his anger get the best of him by calling me out of my name and saying disrespectful things. I cringed every time, because I was well aware of the fact that if my mom knew, she'd never approve.

I asked myself, "How was I so stupid to let things get this far? Why didn't I leave him the first time he disrespected me? Or the second, or the third or all the other times before this?" The worst part is, no matter the amount of pain, I still had hope in him being my soulmate, and I stayed—countless times after this horrid event as well. The lack of communication topped it off. I was so frustrated to the point where I stopped questioning my own worth, made the decision to leave him and focus on myself, even in my darkest time.

After the break up, I cried to my mom in her car before I went to work. I told her everything. She didn't scold me, but she asked me if I'd seen any of those events in my dad and her's relationship. I looked at her like she had three heads, "No!" So she said, "Exactly. You know your own worth. Leave. the minute someone ever makes you feel like you're not good enough or that they can put their hands on you. I didn't raise you to settle for that nonsense."

Since then, I've been able to heal, gather myself, and walk with my head held high, because my mom, my angel and provider has taught me everything that I need to know. Once I started to feel like myself, I found the courage to do things I never even imagined, like creating two businesses and successfully running them today!

My mother's love has taught me to be a strong woman like her. Her love has served as a reminder that I am and will always be loved. I have officially taken my power back. I know that I’ll be blessed 10 fold with the desires of my heart. I'm more than blessed to have her present in my life and she is my best friend. I love you, mom! Thank you for simply being there, but also passing down lessons to me that your future grandchild will have as well.