Finding myself

My mum hated me ever since I was a young girl , I was told I wasn’t going to be anything and once upon a time I actually believed it!

I lost myself trying to find myself . I use to allow anyone to take advantage of me , just so I can feel I had someone . One day I decided to tell my mum about her boyfriends behavior with me, she denied it and called me a liar 🤥. I than took the initiative to get out of her house(no love here why stay) . I started to find men from chat lines and public places I slept with them to feel the temporary love I wanted well at least that’s what I thought was love , see my father left my brother and I back for some woman he met out of town! I hardly had a relationship with him anyway , but my brother on the other hand well he knew him as dad . Hand to hand their bonded , my brother had this opportunity to get to know him and see who he really was ... but my mum as you can see was spiteful and immature so I didn’t grow with either of them. Instead Mum decided to keep me away from them so they wouldn’t find out about what her boyfriend had done to me ! I was sent out East to live with her parents cause of the molestation and abuse that was being done to me . She continue on with her life like I didn’t exist to her ! Years go by and I’m now 14 years old she calls for me to come back home cause now she is sick and needs some help to card for her other children with the man who constantly abused me ! I’m unable to speak on how I feel cause people paw paw and memaw always said well your her child and she has the say so , at this point I just feel my whole family is against me cause of my mum and her lies !

I went back home to live with her again but now I’m dating guys my age . And than I ended up pregnant with my first child (whom I never got to meet) once mum finds out I’m pregnant she than stuff a whole bottle of pills in my mouth and held it shut until I swollowed them. She than called my aunt and demanded that she takes me to get a abortion!!! I was torn and broken up about it , well my mum was also pregnant with my now 16 year old brother . I was than told that she felt it in her heart that he (my abuser) has impregnated me . Confused and hurt was I, now it’s revenge time you stole my child hood and my first born child crazy part he wasn’t the father of my child I was actually pregnant for my childhood sweetheart and he Hated me after I told him I was forced into having a abortion , it was my fault cause I didn’t fight to keep the baby and I allowed my mum to treat me any way she wanted!! Heartbroken I was I couldn’t believe what my ears was hearing she stole so much from me and stopped me from blooming into the beautiful flower she always wanted to be.

I have grown over the years and seek out for therapy. My mum has passed away six years ago and until than she was still blinded by love from a man who truly didn’t love her !!!