Finally, Whole.

Being raised by only one parent and an abusive stepparent is rough. Trust me, I know. That is why I will never forget the time my heart finally became whole and not filled with a bunch of questions. It became time to meet the one person I had always questioned. My father left when I was little for another woman. I had never heard from him again until May of last year.

This is how it starts. I started to open the door with my fingers trembling, my heart skipping beats, my legs feeling like bowls of jelly as I walked up to a man and a woman sitting in lawn chairs staring at me like I was an angel, and they could not believe I was in front of them. The old looking man got up very cautiously as like I was going to harm him.

I could tell you he was incredibly nervous as he approached me. As he got a closer, he held out his hand and said “Hello, it’s good to finally meet you after all this time.” I replied “it took long enough don’t you think” I could tell I was starting to get a little irritated which was not my goal. After shaking hands, we all sat outside in lawn chairs to visit and get stuff off are chests. At first it was all awkward silences which caused even more anger to shrivel up my skin.

All I could manage to say without breaking apart was “you left me.” Sadly, for me I broke apart anyway with tears flowing like the amazon river. Memories of my abused past had started coming to my mind. Soon after he was saying “I’m sorry, I have made mistakes” repeatedly. All I could do was just cry and look at him as if he still did not even exist. There were long silences between everyone there, with me only seeming like a bottomless wreck. Finally, I grabbed up the courage to tell him all that I had gone through without a father around, including all the abuse whether mental, physical, sexual throughout my 18 years of being on earth.

Still, all he could manage to say was “I’m sorry, I've made some horrible mistakes in my lifetime and leaving you was the hardest one I had to live with.” He continued with this “I know you’ve been through a lot and I'm sorry no one should ever be treated like that. I want to promise you that I will be there for you from now on and protect you until I depart this world. I also want to promise you that you’re welcome here anytime, and you will always have a safe environment here. Can I ask you something?” I replied with “ask away” “Can we work together to have an actual relationship? Because I really want to get to know my oldest daughter.” He asked with a little nervousness like I would say no or something else of that sort. “I don’t mind if you want a relationship with me as long as your honest and actually try to keep in touch with me, also see each other every so often” I said with those rules attached. He answered by “I completely agree with these terms at hand. I will try my absolute best to stay connected with you because I am not too familiar with texting and plus, I am not on my phone as much as the average person. Also, I will see you when I get my vehicle up and running, but until then you’re welcome to visit me up here.”

Soon it was time to leave since it would take over two hours to get back home from Reed City. As I got up to leave, I heard “wait please” when I turned around my father was standing behind me. Staring at him I could feel his regret and his sorrow from leaving me. For what seemed like an eternity he spoke again “May I have a hug?” I have not really been much of a person who hugs, but I agreed for him to have peace of mind until I visited again. As I got into my vehicle all I felt was my feelings of emptiness and being unwanted vanish.

I felt as if my heart became a whole that day. There was no hole in my heart and all the burden I carried was finally lifted. I felt free and it was an amazing feeling that I wish everyone had. My lesson I learned that day was “Forgiveness is key” and it truly is a feeling to remember. It taught me to forgive all the dreadful things that people had done to me and doing that made me feel complete. Once you learn to forgive everyone who has wronged you in your life, it will be so much better for you to move on and become fulfilled in life. That is why I told part of my journey to become fulfilled in my life with friends and family supporting me along the way. That is why I told you what I had to go through to finally become whole and I hope that whatever is troubling you that you can let it go, finally be released and your heart finally becomes a whole.