Father's Day Is Meaningless

Greetings, Vocal readers and Happy Father's Day to all the dads, especially the single dads out there. Usually every year on this day, I would post a picture of my late grandfather on social media. This year, however, my feelings about Father's Day has changed and it's no longer a big deal to me. My faithful readers and subscribers know about my now estranged parents and the horrific abuse I've suffered in their hands. In this story, I'm solely going to focus on my estranged father. For those who are new and unfamiliar with my life and how I grew up, I'll share that with everyone right now.

I grew up in Arlington, Texas, which was located west of Dallas. I'm the oldest of three children (a younger brother and sister). My estranged father was born in West Africa and emigrated to the United States as a child. While parts of my childhood were wonderful and full of great memories, I was suffering from both mental and physical abuse by someone who was supposed to love and protect me. One thing I should mention about my estranged father is that he had a short fuse and was confrontational. He would easily get upset over the smallest, mundane things. For example, I was playing video games upstairs one day in the bedroom my brother and I shared at the time. I wasn't sure if he had a bad day at work, but he angrily came upstairs and suddenly grabbed me by the arm and dragged me downstairs. The reason? I wasn't hungry and he almost broke my arm. It was the scariest event I've ever experienced and, which led me to trust people less later on in life. The cycle of abuse continued until I left for college. Also, he was critical of me about everything, such as the kind of classes I took, how I looked, and so on. He would constantly belittle and berate me, especially in front of my siblings and other people. In African households, parents would do their best to humiliate their own children and disguise it as tough love. It's not tough love. It's abuse, plain and simple. Verbal aggressions and constant put-downs are considered as child abuse, no matter how you spin it. African parents are also delusional and always deny that they're doing horrible things to their children, not taking any accountability for their actions. Instead, they blame the child for all their problems and portray themselves as the victims. That to me is both toxic and abusive. This abusive tactic is present in African households. They say to honor your parents, but I could not honor, nor respect an abuser who couldn't control his emotions. I can't show love to someone who didn't show me any love or protect me.

I've been estranged from my father since 2011, and a reconciliation is all but impossible. If he were, hypothetically speaking, to reach out to me and wanted to repair our fractured father-son relationship, would I take a chance to hear him out? Honestly, I don't know. If he were to show true remorse for all the things he had done to me since childhood and into adulthood, maybe but I can't make any promises. Right now, I'm not in a forgiving mood. It's important to believe people the first time when they show you their true colors. You have to realize that you have to cut people loose, including your parents, for your own sanity. If they're causing you harm or distress, it's best that you completely cut all ties with them. Preserving your own mental health is important and free of drama. All I ever wanted from the man I looked up since childhood was to tell me things like "I'm proud of you" or "I love you". I wanted him to physically and verbally love me unconditionally. I know that it's not going to happen anytime soon. A sincere apology from him is also not going to happen, because African parents avoid doing this or owning up to their mistakes. When you have parents who come from another country or continent, they don't verbally or physically express how much they love you. They believe that buying you clothes, feeding you, and providing you with a roof over your head are ways to show their love to you. One song that has been relatable to me and still sticks with me to this day was Perfect by Simple Plan. In that song, it talks about a son trying not to become a disappointment to his father. I had longed to have a nurturing, loving relationship for so long, but it never came to fruition. My estranged father was in my life, but I would say he was emotionally unavailable whenever I needed to talk to him about something or lean on him for emotional support. Regardless of where your parents came from or the kind of upbringing they had, it's never acceptable to abuse a child under any circumstances.

My grandfather, with whom I was very close with, sadly passed away in 2022. The last time I saw him in person was almost 15 years earlier when I lived in Texas. He came from New York, where I have many relatives and it's also my birth state, to Texas for a weekend visit. I never recalled him being angry, aggressive, or raising his voice to any of his grandchildren. That's how amazing and kind he was. He loved us unconditionally, no matter what. When I received the news that my grandfather passed away from my aunt, I was devastated. It was the first time I ever cried over the loss of someone important to me. I'll always remember the good times I've had with him and he's on my mind daily. I was unable to attend his funeral and say goodbye to my grandfather, due to work commitments. Hopefully, one day, I'll visit his grave and properly bid farewell to a great man, husband, father, and grandfather. Ever since his passing, I post a picture of him every Father's Day, because he was a true father figure to me, something my estranged father wasn't and wish he did to me. Moving forward, I'll treat Father's Day as an ordinary day. I'll still continue to post a pic of my grandfather yearly. His passing reminded me that life is short and not take it for granted. Even though he's no longer with us, he'll always be with me in spirit. I rely on my Heavenly Father to get me through times of challenges. No son has to go through what I've experienced. Sharing this story might encourage them to surround themselves with positive, male positive figures and influences to look up to.

Many people wonder why I don't post a picture of my estranged father online. It's because of the verbal and physical abuse I suffered in his hands and refusing to show an iota of love or support towards me. He's no longer in the picture, so it's pointless to for me to do this. I don't want to be reminded of those traumatic events, so I no longer see Father's Day as a big deal to me. I don't have any children, but if I did, I would love my son or daughter unconditionally. I'd be the best damn father and do my best to be there for them.

A message to all fathers: please do your best to stay in your son's lives. They desperately need that positive male influence. Be that source of encouragement to them, because we need more people like you these days. To the sons who are estranged from their fathers: stay strong and keep your head up. The trauma you've experienced wasn't and will never be your fault. Live life to the fullest and surround yourself with positive, male influences.